


I Belong To You

by danveresque



Series: and then you'll come home to me [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Future Fic, M/M, Reunion 3.0
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-01-24 14:01:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 48,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21339403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danveresque/pseuds/danveresque
Summary: Aaron waits 11 years for Robert.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Series: and then you'll come home to me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1459249
Comments: 266
Kudos: 394





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written with affection for the most fave ship I have ever shipped 💜

_We all love you so much._

Liv had said that on the day after Aaron lost Robert. He understood it, of course he did. She was his little sister and he loved her to death. He would do anything for her. But she hadn’t a clue, not really, no one did. He could see it in their eyes. They didn’t get it. It wasn’t like Robert was dead after all. Liv had said it, _he’s not dead, Aaron._ He was supposed to be grateful his husband was locked up, surrounded by thugs. But hey, at least he wasn’t dead.

_Move on._

His mum had said that a day after Robert was taken to the Isle of Wight. A day after Aaron had seen him, held him, promised to never forget him. A day.

Aaron had taken off his ring, along with Robert’s. A day after he’d worn both rings, promising to keep Robert’s one safe.

After that...it was all a blur. A blur of anger and tears and people telling him to move on with his life, until he had no choice.

*****

Home was a house for the longest time. It was a house Robert built for his family. All that was left of that family was Aaron. Liv moved out to go to university, because even though someone loved you _so_ much, they still had to move on with the life they actually had, didn’t they?

“Wish Robert was here for this,” Liv had said.

“I’m sure Robert would be really proud of you if he were here,” Paddy told her kindly.

Aaron pulled a face. “Yeah, but we don’t know that, do we? Cos’ he’s not actually here.”

“Aaron,” his mum said, looking a little shocked.

Aaron shrugged. “What? Look, forget Robert, easily done, let’s move on to the presents, yeah?”

They all stared at him, Liv looking hurt. He hated himself for it, but...they’d get over it, what with being so good at moving on, It was Aaron who felt like a man walking around in agony, clutching at his open wounds in a feeble attempt to stop his inside from falling out for everyone to see.

*****

The night before she left, Liv had interrupted his glaring at the empty space on the mantelpiece where there used to be a photo of him and Robert. “Are you angry with me?”

“Of course not,” he said, frowning at her. “Why would you say that?”

She looked away, tearful and pink-cheeked, still looking about twelve years old. Way too young to be going anywhere, let alone university. “Because...it feels like we’ve all just forgotten him.”

“I’m not angry at you, Liv,” he said. “I’m dead proud of you. Besides, it’s what he wanted, innit?”

The tears in Liv’s eyes fattened and spilled. Aaron somehow managed to control his. His tears belonged to him. No one had understood them when Robert was taken from him, so now he kept it all for himself.

“It’s just that...I hate seeing you like this,” she said.

Aaron frowned. “Like what?”

“Pretending like you’ve forgotten him. Like he doesn’t matter. Because I know it’s not true. I know you’re just keeping it all to yourself,” Liv said. “And I wish you’d talk to me, Aaron.”

Aaron let out a shaky little laugh. “Liv. Is it possible I’ve actually moved on? Maybe everyone was right. He did this to himself, to us. So we’re done.”

“I don’t believe ya,” Liv said.

Aaron sighed, reaching for her hand and squeezing it. “Liv. You’re off to start a new life. Meet new people. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“But I do,” she said. “I love you.”

“And I love you,” he told her. He nodded, “But it’s time you moved on too.”

Liv stared at him, looking both worried and guilty at once. After a moment she said, “Do you miss him?”

Aaron let out an incredulous laugh. “Liv.”

“Do you? Tell me,” she pushed and for a second she was that little kid again, getting in his face, winding him up effortlessly, pushing all the right buttons. “Do you not miss him?”

Aaron got up quick, leg knocking into the coffee table, throwing off his cup of tea which fell on the floor, tea spilling and sinking into the rug. He realised he was breathing hard, his eyes stinging. He walked away and up the staircase, barricading himself in his bedroom, sitting there on the floor for what felt like forever, staring into nothingness, his right hand rubbing at the empty space on his ring finger.

Liv knocked on the door an hour later. She sounded like she’d been crying when she spoke. “Aaron? Aaron. Please don’t hate me.”

Traitorous tears slipped from his eyes and he wiped them away before getting up to open the door. She was sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. He sat down opposite, leaning against the door-frame of his bedroom door. “I don’t hate ya. I love ya. You’re my sister.”

She nodded, crying. “I hate leaving ya.”

“Hey, it’s alright. Not the first one to do it, are ya? And at least I’ll still get to see ya.” He smiled at her. “And I want you to go, Liv. I want you to make something of yourself. Robert...he’d want you to make something of yourself too. At least, the Robert we used to know would.”

Liv nodded, moving forward to hug him, Aaron hugging her back. _Live your life_, he thought_, be happy._ She tightened her arms around him and said, “I miss him.”

Aaron nodded. “I know.”

*****

On Robert’s birthday, he’d woken up, looked in the mirror, told himself _yes, it’s Robert’s birthday, no you don’t have to fall to bits_, and he’d gotten on with things. There was scrap to be organized. He got Billy onto it. There was haulage stuff he was helping with. Jimmy was happy enough. He was busy, and busy was good. Only, there was Vic, pushing a pram with a two year old that bore an eerie resemblance to his jailbird uncle.

Aaron and Vic, sometimes they were really good, sometimes not so much. Sometimes the politeness was so strained it was pointless. Sometimes...she was still Vic, and they needed each other, and they loved each other. She saw him on his way to the Woolpack and nodded, her eyes looking a little bright. He swallowed, nodding back. 

At the Woolie, he propped up the bar for a bit, drinking his tasteless pint. Chas was watching him, silent and worried. When it got too suffocating, he got up and left, heading home, going straight up into the loft and opening a single box of Robert’s belongings, everything else long gone. In a fit of anger, he emptied the box, kicking at the contents.

The regret was instant. It may as well have been Robert he had thrown away. He ended up sitting there gripping Robert’s favourite leather jacket in his hands, breathing it in. It smelled of time having passed, laced with only a speck of the memory of aftershave and shower gel. Aaron wondered how much of it was from the fabric, and how much from his mind.

“Thirty-five,” he murmured. “You’re getting old.”

“You love me anyway,” Robert said, somewhere from the recesses of Aaron’s mind. 

Aaron shook his head. “I hate ya.”

*****

“You off on holiday again?” his mum asked, spying the packed bags by the sofa. She looked suspicious. As usual.

“Just a weekend,” Aaron told her. 

“France?” she said.

He gave her an impatient look. “France. Yeah. Why?”

“Nothing,” she said with a shrug. “Just...it’s your third trip in eight months.”

“Well, I like it there. I did live there for a while, remember?” he said. She wasn’t happy with the answer. “What?”

“_Nothing_,” she lied. “I just...I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself.”

He nodded. This was where he was supposed to be thankful that she cared, that they all cared. But, as it happened, it didn’t quite reach him. Somewhere in the last few years it had stopped mattering what anyone cared for him. It was never quite enough.

“Right, well, I better finish getting my stuff together,” he said. Chas smiled, gave him a hug and a kiss, before leaving, satisfied that Aaron’s heart was magically healing itself. 

*****

Without Robert around life seemed like a big empty space that was pressing down on top of Aaron. He’d wake up feeling a strange sense of his own body inflating around him, as if it was itself filled with wide open spaces. He’d have to get up, look at his limbs, look at himself, anchor himself back into his own flesh somehow. How did losing one man do this to a person? It made no sense. 

Without Robert around he would go out for a drink, but Robert wouldn’t be sitting there next to him, laughing at stupid things, tossing peanuts into his mouth and catching them in the air, like it made him an athlete or something. Aaron would go for a walk to clear his head, but Robert wouldn’t be walking with him, or waiting at home for him. He wouldn’t be the reason for a stupid row and for Aaron storming off. He wouldn’t be there to make it up to him.

Without Robert around, what was the point of a holiday? It was just another place without Robert, only further away. He wouldn’t see Robert being excited about obscure shit he pulled up online. Wouldn’t see him getting shitfaced on bad drinks. He wouldn’t be able to nag him about sunblock or giving the sunglasses a rest before he tanned around them and ended up looking like a muppet. He wouldn’t wake up in some sun drenched hotel room with Robert curled towards him.

Without Robert, the world was just filled with other people’s happiness.

It grated on Aaron.

*****

Aaron looked ahead at the waves, watching them roll in towards the beach. Everything looked sad in the shifting evening light. Aaron took out his phone, watched as Robert told him he loved him, brushing his thumb across unyielding and cool smooth screen. He put the phone back, cracked open a beer and switched on the small camcorder.

“Thought I’d try this again. Last time...it got a bit much. I still hate ya. Still think you’re...” Aaron stopped, his breath shuddering in his chest, tears threatening to spill. He let out a shaky breath. “Still hate ya.”

“I’m sorry,” Robert might have said if he was with him. Aaron imagined him sitting where the camcorder was, looking back him with soft apologetic eyes.

Aaron thought if he started crying he might never stop, breathing back into himself the rising tide of emotions. He blinked at his imagined vision of Robert, softly telling him, “I miss ya.”

Robert, sat somewhere far away, couldn’t have said anything. But Aaron imagined if he were here right now, he’d be pulling Aaron close, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, and without speaking, he’d just make everything okay again.

*****

Robert and Aaron had stolen Al’s car once just so Marlon could smash it up to feel good about himself. But, Aaron thought idly as he sat outside the cafe, looking at Al’s new motor on the other side of the road, what if they had just straight up nicked it? A motor like the one they destroyed would easily have been picked up if they tried to sell it on in any way. But not the one Al had at the moment. It was worth a packet in parts. Aaron drank his coffee slowly. He’d never really thought about making money before, not in any serious way.

“You know anything about cars?” he asked Vinny, once they’d traded niceties in the street. Vinny was a sly one, having been into all sorts. Useful.

“I know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff,” Vinny said. “Depends on what it is you need me to know about cars.”

“I need someone who can flog spare parts without it being traced back to us,” Aaron said.

Vinny’s brow furrowed. “Us?”

“If you want to make some money, yeah,” Aaron said.

Vinny beamed. “Let me buy you a drink, why don’t you?”

*****

Two pin-pricks of blood bloomed on the pad of his thumb, stopping him in his tracks. He took the staple out and watched the blood, squeezing it out until the pin-pricks were fat and round and bursting to trickle. They did just as Paddy walked into the portacabin and stopped in his tracks. Aaron grabbed a tissue, stemming the flow.

“You alright?” he said.

“Yeah. What happened there then?” Paddy asked, pointing at Aaron’s hand.

“Jammed stapler,” Aaron said. He idly wondered if Paddy might make a joke about jam in a stapler.

“Sounds messy,” Paddy said with a nervy grin. Aaron humoured him with a tight-lipped smile. “Actually, I came by to see if you might come over for tea. Been a while since you’ve seen Eve. She’d love to see her big brother.”

Aaron nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”

Paddy looked surprised. “Oh. Okay. Well, that’s brilliant. Chas’ll be chuffed. Um...look, Aaron-”

Aaron got up. “Can this wait until later? Just, got a lot on, yeah?”

Paddy buttoned his lips, nodding. Aaron gave him a pat on the shoulder and left the cabin to smack the shit out of a car. He already knew what Paddy was going to say. They hadn’t seen much of each other for a while. He wished he could be there more for Aaron. All the right things that Paddy always knew to say. It just all felt a bit too late now. Aaron just wanted to be left alone with his hurt and anger.

*****

“I brought curry and beers,” Cain said from the armchair he’d seemed to have made his own.

Aaron had stopped being surprised by Cain’s presence in the Mill. They’d both reacted badly to their marriages imploding, done some stupid things. Cain had moved in for a while, becoming a strange fixture in Aaron’s home after he'd left, in and out uninvited. Sometimes Aaron thought he secretly still lived there. It was nice.

_But weird_, a Robert-like voice said in Aaron’s head. But nice. _Yeah, but mostly weird._

Aaron hung his jacket up, kicked off his shoes and went to sit down on the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table with a sigh. “Right.”

“Your mum’s after you.”

“Is she?” Aaron asked, settling into staring at the TV without really watching. “What for?”

“Summat about not coming over much lately,” Cain said.

“Right,” Aaron said.

“Well, I wish you’d do something about it,” Cain said. Aaron frowned at him. “She’s chewing my ear off, isn’t she?”

Aaron nodded. “Well, I’ll go over there tomorrow.”

Cain scowled at him. “That’s it?”

Aaron shrugged. “Yeah. Go over. Have a drink. Listen to her for an hour about how I ought to move on with me life. Get angry. Come home. Have a drink. Go to work. Listen to Jimmy being all awkward like Robert’s dead and not in prison. Come home, do the whole thing again and again and again, day in, day out. Until I drop dead.”

Cain just stared at him, making Aaron think he should have just kept his mouth shut.

“Can’t spend your whole life like this, mate,” Cain said after a moment of dark coal-eyed staring. Aaron watched him for further explanation. “Hating him for what happened. Wondering if he’ll come back to you. Living from one minute to the next. That’s no way to live.”

“Yeah?” Aaron asked, noting that Cain’s focus has turned inwards, back to that place where he still loved Moira, still wanted her in his life. “So what you gonna do about it?”

Cain frowned at him and Aaron gave him a quiet moment to think about his own words. He let out a snort, before taking a swig from his bottle of beer. He sniffed, his way of finishing a tricky conversation. Watching the TV, he said, “I’ll have a chat with Chas. Get her to back off a bit.”

“Thanks,” Aaron said with a nod. He’d have been grateful once, but somewhere in the grey nothing soup of his feelings, he continued on without caring.

*****

“Look at her,” Chas said, a huge smile on her face. “They grow up so fast. It was just yesterday she came along and she’s four already. Where’s that time gone, eh?”

Aaron smiled at his little sister, watching her preoccupied with her colouring. Where did the time go indeed? Well, actually, he kind of knew where the time went. Four years had passed with excruciating slowness.

Every day he got up from the bed he barely slept in. Every day for a brief moment he looked in the mirror and tried to recognise himself. How was it that without Robert he looked different to himself? It was strange, but he did. He’d wipe away the condensation on the mirror and frown at himself asking, _where is Aaron Sugden-Dingle?_

Every day he left home early and returned late. Every day he spent his time in the scrapyard, pretending to listen to Jimmy, making yes and no sounds in the right place. Every day he broke for lunch at the same time, so no one could say he was working himself to death. Every day he ate a few morsels of food before he thought of Robert and couldn’t stand the sight of his meal.

Every day he went home and sunk down on the sofa, looking at nothing but the pictures on the mantelpiece, or pretending to watch the TV when Cain came round and put something on. Cain would speak, and he’d make his yes and no noises in the right places. Sometimes his mum and Paddy would come over, and they would talk about everything and nothing and Aaron would play along, making his yes and no noises.

Every day he climbed into his bed and lay in the dark, staring at the pillow that should have been under Robert’s head. Sometimes he reached for it, ran a hand over it. Sometimes, he got angry and turned his back on it, as if somehow Robert would feel slighted wherever he lay thinking of Aaron, because Aaron _knew_, he knew with every atom in his body that Robert was thinking of him.

Every night he went to bed and remembered, _I love you so so much Aaron. Promise me you’ll never forget_.

Every day for the last four years he did this. He breathed in. He breathed out. He talked, walked, slept, woke, ate, drank. Every day he did his best to pass for the human they all wanted him to be, whilst walking the empty moors of his mind seeking out the sound of Robert’s voice, memories of all the things he’d said.

_Promise _ _me _ _you’ll never forget. _

“Love?” Aaron looked at his mum sitting at the kitchen table, stroking her hand over the curve of Eve’s head. “You okay, sweetheart?”

Aaron smiled, turning his gaze on his sister. “I was just thinking the same. Time. Flies, dunnit?”

Chas continued stroking Eve’s hair, her smile a little off.


	2. Chapter 2

His mum walked into the Mill just as he threw a cup across the room, smashing it to bits. She stopped where she stood, a little shaken. “Aaron.”

He looked at her, breathing hard. She seemed shocked by his state, but then, he’d become Robert level adept at keeping it all to himself these days. Only, this had got him, and it had got him good. He pulled himself together, telling her, “Rebecca’s moving. Australia.”

She went to him, putting her arms around Aaron as he stood there frozen, thrumming with anger. She sat him down, made him tea, soothed him and called over Paddy. They both sat there and watched him carefully, Paddy asking him, “When?”

“Next month.” Aaron scowled, shaking his head. All that anger, it was bubbling again. “Rebecca’s had it all her way since Robert got sent down. But no, it’s not enough, is it? Not enough that she gets to make all the decisions, she has to go to the other side of the world.”

“What’s the rush?” Paddy asked.

“No rush probably,” Chas said. “She’s probably had this planned for a while, since her and Ross broke up.”

Aaron shook his head. “It’s just an excuse. She knows in a few years she won’t be able to stop Seb from visiting who he wants, so she’s taking him away to make it harder.”

His mum and Paddy said nothing, exchanging careful looks with each other. They were playing it safe.

“Robert doesn’t get a say,” he told them. “She thinks she can do whatever she wants.”

Paddy looked just a little unnerved. “He’s still Seb’s dad.”

“She has to think about her and Seb’s future, Pads. It’s not fair, but...she wants to move on from Ross,” his mum said. “We should consider ourselves lucky that she’s let Seb stay in contact with us despite there being no legal-”

“I can’t do this right now,” Aaron said as he got up.

Chas looking startled. “Where are you going?”

“I need some air.”

“I’ll come with you,” she said.

“Chas,” Paddy said. “Give him some space. Go on, mate. We’ll be here when you get back.”

Aaron frowned at Paddy. Funny. He hadn’t noticed when Paddy had started to be Paddy again. Maybe around the same time Aaron became successful at burying his feelings where they couldn’t be seen.

He found himself knocking on Vic’s door. He must have looked stressed out because she instantly looked worried. “Aaron. What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Rebecca’s leaving with Seb for Australia,” he told her.

“What?” She stared at him. “She can’t do that. He’s got family here.”

“She’s made up her mind.” Vic shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes. Aaron took a shuddering breath. Feeling defeated, not for the first time, he numbly told her, “Like it even matters. Not like I have any right over him.”

“Come here.” Vic stepped forward and hugged him. “You’re his dad, Aaron. He knows it.”

“He’s nine,” Aaron said. “It doesn’t matter what he knows. No one listens to you at that age.”

Vic pulled back, brow bending under the weight of worry. Taking his hand, she pulled him into the house. “Come on. I’ll make ya some tea.”

Later, when the sun had gone down and they’d been talking for ages, Vic said, “I used to worry when Harry would grow up, he’d look like Lee, and everything would just come back and I wouldn’t be able to take it. But, today, he was laughing about something really silly and I swear he looked a bit like Dad. I started crying right there and then.”

“You know he’ll turn out to be a good lad, don’t ya?” Aaron said. “Because it’s not about genes. It’s about someone loving you right.”

Vic seemed to assess him for a long moment, before quietly asking, “Aaron. We’re okay, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, ‘course we are,” Aaron sad.

She swallowed, her voice thick when she spoke, “You know...for a while, when things were bad, I thought you really hated me.”

“I didn’t,” he said, scowling at the rush of those memories, all an unhappy blur.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I understand. All that stuff with Luke and Wendy...”

“I don’t want to talk about all that,” Aaron said.

She nodded, looking like she was about to pick her words carefully. Finally, she said, “You love Robert. But...I love him too you know? I needed ya, Aaron. I needed someone who understood what it meant to lose him. Only you came close. But you...you were just so angry. I felt like I had no one to go to.”

Aaron breathed in, nodding, his tongue pressed to the roof his mouth. When he’d gathered himself a little, he said, “I lost him. No one wanted to know about it. They just wanted it to go away. Telling me to move on with my life, like that was an option. It’s like being half a person. It’s like he took the best part of me with him. It’s not you I hate. It’s _him_.”

“Aaron,” Vic said quietly. “What he did, he did it so you could have a life.”

“No.” He shook his head, voice barely audible as he told her, “He did it because he’s a coward. Because he didn’t believe I loved him enough to wait for him. I’ll never forgive him for this.”

“Right. So if he turned up here tomorrow, stood in front of ya, and said he was sorry, and that he loved ya, you’d tell him you hate him and to do one, would ya?” Aaron glared at her. She nodded, looking Sugden smug. “Yeah. Pretty much what I thought.”

Aaron got up, shaking his head. “I don’t know why I came here.”

“Because I love you,” Vic said. “And you love me. And we need each other. That’s why. So shut your mouth and just sit down. And don’t you worry about Seb. He’s smart, just like his dad. Rebecca can take him to the other side of the world, but that doesn’t mean she can stop him from coming back, because he will one day.”

Aaron sat down, snorting. “Right. Or send me a letter to move on with my life.”

“Not funny,” Vic said.

“Wasn’t meant to be,” Aaron said, gladly giving in to an old bitterness.

*

In comparison to everyone around him, time seemed to pass differently for Aaron. As differently as it must have for Robert. Slow, he thought. Aaron scowled where he sat, his eyes flicking from the clock to the mantelpiece, to the spot where there used to be a wedding photograph instead of the photo of him and Eve. No, he thought, time probably passed _slower_ for Robert. Aaron had freedom, it allowed him to deaden the sensation of time slowed down. Aaron had been in prison. Time passed as slow as glue dripping down a wall there. Sometimes, it seemed to stop altogether, stuck in place.

Cain walked in and came to a stop, giving Aaron a look. “See you’re busy watching the walls again. Must be all that French wine and cheese from last week.”

Aaron looked at him. “Must be. Thought you were with Moira.”

“Yeah...” Cain said, taking off his jacket and hanging it up. It was on Robert’s peg Aaron idly thought.

“What? You not fallen out again, have ya?” Aaron asked.

“No. We were talking about moving back in together,” Cain said. He looked a little embarrassed about it. Well...he reconsidered, love could be embarrassing.

“Right,” Aaron said. It was on the tip of his tongue that Cain could look happier about it, but wasn’t that the problem? Telling people to cheer up when all they wanted to do was tear it all down, telling them to look on the bright side of nothing. “Celebration not in order?”

“You might want to calm yourself down a bit,” Cain said, sitting down in the armchair he’d successfully worn out with his bony arse. “Moira says she scared if we move back in together we might ruin things. I mean, what’s the point of all this then? Why are we even bothering if that’s not the endgame here?”

“Because you love her,” Aaron said. “Means you take your chances, dunnit? It’s either that or...”

Or this, Aaron thought. It was either taking your chances, or just this.

“Or what?” Cain asked.

Aaron shrugged. “Nothing. It’s either that or a big fat nothing.”

Cain scowled at him. “Right cheery git aren’t ya?”

*****

Vic and Diane were outside the cafe with little Harry. Aaron’s instinct was to turn on his heels and walk away. Today wasn’t a good day. Today things hurt a bit more than usual. Today he was missing Robert so much it was driving him out of his mind, a small tornado inside his head picking up the debris of old anger, swirling it around and throwing it in his face.

“Hiya,” Vic said. She looked like she was putting on a front, her smile a little forced. Maybe he wasn’t the only one having a bad day. She pulled Harry close to her and he clung to her shyly. “You alright?”

“Yeah. Good,” Aaron said. He nodded to Diane. “Diane.”

“Hello Aaron,” she said in her usual way, a little to cheerful for anytime of day. “How are things?”

Aaron shrugged. “You know, usual. How’s our Harry doing?”

Vic beamed down at him. He’d lucked out. So far he looked more a Sugden than anything else, taking more after Vic, with a little of his uncle thrown in. “Being a scamp as usual. Aren’t ya?”

Aaron ruffled his mousy hair, getting a giggle out of the boy. Diane smiled at Harry, and then looked to Aaron, asking, “How are you doing, pet? I know it can’t be easy today.”

“What’s today?” Aaron asked with a shrug.

Diane frowned at him and then exchanged a look with Vic who seemed just a bit embarrassed. “Well, it’s your and Robert’s anniversary, isn’t it?”

Aaron snorted, smiling at her. “No idea. You’d have to ask him about that. Besides, not sure it counts when you’ve served divorce papers.”

“Oh,” Diane said, flustered. She was getting old, prone to forgetting things. “I’m so sorry. I hope I didn’t upset you.”

“Nothing worth getting upset about,” he said, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket and walking away, right back the way he came, the day ruined.

*****

Aaron was tired. He hadn’t slept a wink, moving from bed to sofa. He’d ended up looking at his tablet, scrolling through endless pictures of Liv’s latest trek with her boyfriend Ted. He sat there imagining Robert at his side, laughing over his shoulder at things that weren’t funny. He’d probably poke the screen of the tablet and say, “He looks like a Ted.”

He drifted off for a bit, thinking of imagined conversations, pretending Robert was upstairs in bed, waiting for him. Imagining he’d go up those stairs, crawl into bed and kiss Robert on his shoulder. He’d smile and whisper, “Oi, Freckles. You awake?”

Robert would wake up just to object to being called Freckles, and then he’d mutter and moan, before turning onto his back and pulling Aaron into his arms.

“Should have called me that, at least once. It’s cute.”

Aaron tiredly looked across at Robert, sitting there on the couch, not a second older than the last time he’d seen him. Ah, Aaron thought, he was either dreaming, or tiredly deluding himself.

“Should I have?” Aaron murmured.

Robert nodded. “Yeah. You wanted to, that one time, remember? Then you got all weird and shy about it.”

Aaron smiled, remembering that summer. He’d come out of prison and Robert had done up the Mill, not to mention done up Rebecca and all, but that was neither here nor there now. Robert had been beautiful. They’d gone on holiday and Robert had grinned and basked in the sun, growing ever more blond, and tanned, and freckled. He’d made Aaron feel so...so _grateful_ to be alive.

“You wonder what nicknames I had for you? Like, secretly,” Robert asked with a toothy smile.

Aaron nodded, smiling back. “Sometimes.”

“Wouldn’t let me call you them though, would you? You’re too tough for all that,” Robert teased.

“Nah.” Aaron shook his head. “If I was, that all finished when I lost you.”

“I love you,” Robert said, his voice soft and sincere. “Always.”

_Liar_, Aaron thought back at him.

*****

Aaron stopped outside Bar West, looking up at the new sign. 

_You’re surrounded by morons_, Robert’s voice supplied unkindly, a faint echo at the back of his mind, an ache at the back of his heart. 

Aaron turned to look at his mum who was grinning brightly. Next to her Vic shrugged in a helpless fashion. Aaron turned to his other side where Paddy had the decency to look guilty, Marlon at his shoulder being as awkward as possible. 

“Listen, we don’t have to stay. We can go have a drink somewhere else,” Paddy said.

“No no no,” Chas said. “He promised he’d come for a drink with us. Can’t go back on it now.”

“Chas-” Paddy started.

“It’s fine,” Aaron said with a shrug. “I ain’t got no problem.”

Vic gave him a strange look, a little wounded perhaps, and Aaron wanted to bitingly ask her _what? _and remind her that it was _her_ brother who had wanted to cut contact with Aaron, had wanted him to move on with his so-called life. He just looked at her quietly, waiting for whatever she wanted to say. She licked her bottom lip, thoughtful, before offering him a small smile and hooking her arm around his. 

“Come on then, buy us a drink, why don’t ya,” she said, leading him inside. 

Inside, the decor had been updated, the place refurbished. The crowd veered towards the younger end, with a few faces that didn’t make Aaron feel completely out of tune with the place. Not that it mattered. This was place was something entirely different to him. It was the end of him and Jackson. It was the chaos of him and Robert. It was tied up with everything that hurt. 

“Penny for your thoughts.”

Aaron turned towards the voice. He was at the bar, getting himself another drink. Chas had dragged Paddy away for a dance. Marlon and Vic were in serious conversation back in the booth. Aaron was here looking at a tall bloke with a bright smile and short blonde hair, his eyes a pale grey/blue. 

“Sorry,” Aaron said. “Nothing much going on up here.”

The guy laughed. He had kind eyes, Aaron thought. “I doubt that somehow. I’m Richard by the way.”

Aaron accepted the hand being held out. “Aaron.”

Richard’s forehead crinkled as he said, “That’s a nice name. Can I buy you a drink, Aaron?”

Aaron considered the question, considered the man. Considered a night with some random, hoping somehow Robert might know, might feel Aaron's betrayal. This guy even looked a little like him. But...but Aaron wanted Robert. Wanted him so much it hurt.

“Aaron?” Richard gently touched his arm. “Are you alright?”

Aaron scowled at him. “Yeah. ‘Course. Why?”

Richard had a strange expression on his face. He reached out, his finger touching Aaron’s cheek. When he showed it to Aaron, he could see the tip glistening. Aaron touched his cheek, wiping away the tell-tale trail. 

“Uh yeah,” Aaron said, shaking his head. “Sorry, just a bit under the weather. Look, I’m going to get out of here. Sorry.”

“No worries.” Richard nodded, not questioning Aaron. Not offering his number. Not venturing into the mess he could clearly see before him. All he said was, “Hope you feel better.”

Aaron nodded and made a beeline for the exit and kept walking until he reached the alley up the road where he fell against the wall, sliding down until he was crouching, trying to remember how to breathe. After a few shuddering breaths, he took out his phone and sent out a text to his moving on squad: _don’t wait up - __pulled_

Then he went home, to his and Robert’s home, turned off all the lights and got into their bed, lying in Robert’s spot, staring at his own empty space. 

*****

“Mum says I shouldn’t ask questions about Robert,” Eve said one evening, perched on the sofa in the Mill.

She had long dark curly hair like Chas, and wore a pair of glasses that made her look too much like Paddy. Only cute, thankfully. Aaron realised there was so much about her he was only seeing now. He’d come out of some kind of fog of the sharp pain of loss and separation. The pain was still there, dull and constant, but the world around him was becoming a littler clearer.

“What did she do that for?” Aaron asked her.

“She said it might make you sad,” Eve said, looking sad as she told him.

He shrugged. “You can ask me about him. You know...it’s nice that someone wants to.”

Eve nodded, quicker to understand than most adults. “Is _he_ nice?”

Aaron laughed. It felt strange, until he realised his face and his lungs hadn’t done that in a long time. It brought a lump to his throat. “Probably depends on who you ask. He is if he likes you.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“He’s pretty much a nightmare,” Aaron said, realising his chest felt a sudden bloom of affection mixed in with pride.

“Do you think he’d like me?” she asked, looking fairly invested in Aaron’s answer.

He leaned back, giving her the once over for her to see. “I can’t imagine anyone not liking you. But yeah, I think he’d probably like ya.”

Eve beamed. “I think I’d like him.”

Aaron smiled at her. “Yeah?”

“He’s got to be alright if you like him,” she said with a shrug. “You wouldn’t like anyone bad.”

Aaron felt knocked sideways by a rush of emotion. Grief, loss, love, anger, hate – it was all there, a big messy ball of string in the middle of his chest. He breathed it back down, nodding to Eve with a smile “’Well, I like you, and you’re alright, aren’t ya?”

She flashed a very Dingle smile at him.

*****

The cake had a _40__th_ decoration in the middle with a single candle. Somewhere out there, Robert had reached the milestone unobserved. Aaron looked into the camcorder he had set up on the table, filming him and the cake.

“Well. Here we are, back in good old Brittany. Happy birthday, you’re officially old. Though, they say 40 is the new 30, and 30 the new 20. Doesn’t make much sense to me, but then I’m getting on a bit myself, aren’t I? Not that you’d know, what with you doing the whole self-sacrificing bit, I get it. Gonna smack you in the face for it one day, but...I get it.”

Aaron lit the candle, watching the flame do a little dance. He reached into his pocket, pulling out the ring box that held both their rings, side by side, together. Opening it, he held it for the camcorder, before putting the box on the table and just staring at the wedding bands. Some days he dreamed of sliding one of those rings back on Robert’s finger. Some days he dreamed of throwing it at his face. It changed day to day.

“Keeping it safe,” Aaron murmured. Wiping his eyes, he said, “Still hate ya. Obviously. Anyway. Happy birthday.”

That night, he dreamed of Robert in his bed, holding him tight, kissing him sweetly. He woke up wondering, no, _knowing_, that somewhere Robert was lying in a prison cot thinking of Aaron, thinking of them being together. For a moment, it felt like they were.


	3. Chapter 3

Time passed strangely. Sometimes Aaron felt the passage of every second, as if it stretched for miles, and sometimes he thought he lost time altogether. His cup of tea for instance. It had been hot when he placed it on the kitchen table, but not when he looked at it again, prompted by the noise of the front door opening. He took a sip and tasted cold tea-flavoured water and when Chas walked in, he was sat holding the cup, frowning at it. 

His mum stopped by the sofa, giving him an awkward smile. So it was one of _those_ visits. He gave her a look. “What’s wrong?”

“Why does something have to be wrong for me to visit my son?” she asked, throwing up her hands as if he had the memory of a goldfish and couldn’t pull up a million examples of her being around _exactly_ when something was wrong_._

Aaron got up, taking his cup and emptying it in the sink. "You want a brew?”

She nodded, smiling and drifting to take a seat at the kitchen table. “Ooh. Love one.”

He set about putting the kettle on, feeling her eyes on the back of his head. He sighed and turned around, arms folded across his chest as he leaned against the counter. “Go on then. What’s on your mind?”

“_Nothing!”_ she said, before opening her mouth to begin _something. _Aaron laughed, shaking his head. She looked regretful, but carried on after a pause. “I worry about ya. I feel like I don’t know what’s going on with you these days. Can’t tell if you’re happy. If you’re sad. If you’re...turning into Cain.”

“That’s good innit?” he asked with a shrug. “Probably means somewhere in the middle.”

She shrugged back, looking a little sad. “I don’t know. Depends on why, doesn’t it? Depends on what’s got you so calm.”

“I’m not self-harming if that’s what you mean,” Aaron told her with a tired sigh.

“No. I suppose it’s just a coincidence that the police have been sniffing around again asking about stolen cars. Or that you’re always so keen to step in for Jimmy’s drivers. Or that you spend half your time in France,” Chas said with a nod. “Whatever it is you’re up to, you know it’s only a matter of time before they catch up with you.”

“They haven’t yet.” Aaron shrugged. “Anyway, life’ll just carry on without me, won’t it? You’ve got Paddy and Eve. Liv’s happy in Leeds. You’ll move on. That’s what people do.”

“You mean...it’s what _we_ all did when Robert went to prison,” she said. “Are we still going on about this?”

“Nope,” Aaron said with a shrug. “I was having a cup of tea when you came in here _specifically_ to go on about this.”

Chas frowned at him, looking frustrated. After a quiet moment of reflection, she said, “You know, I spent at least the first five years of the last ten worrying about you.”

Aaron snorted. “Thanks.”

“You know what I mean. These past few years it’s been better, but back when Robert went to prison. I thought I might actually lose you, Aaron. Robert? He knows how to look after number one.” Aaron stared at her, opening his mouth to ask her what she meant. Only, she added, “And you. He knew how to look after you. There were times I could have throttled him, but anyone could see how much he loved you.

You know how scared I was for you when he got banged up? You have no idea. It’s all I could think about. So I’m sorry if you thought I couldn’t care less about Robert going to prison, but I literally couldn’t think about anything other than what it might do to you. I’m _sorry_. I’m sorry if I couldn’t be the mum you wanted me to be. But that’s me all round, ain’t it? Never did manage to get it quite right with you.”

Aaron felt anger fizzling to nothing inside him, like a wick finally burnt to its end. He just felt tired now. Quietly, he told her, “Well, you didn’t get it all wrong either, so that’s something.”

She gave him a shaky smile. “No?”

He looked at her sitting there. She had ten years on her, but still looked younger than her age, with enough energy to put him to shame on some days. She was looking back with soft shining eyes and he didn’t doubt her love for him, even if she drove him nuts. He told her, “No.”

She got up, walking up to him and taking his hands in hers. “Then _talk_ to me, Aaron. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

“Mum,” he said firmly. “I’m getting on with me life. That’s all it is. Alright, I’ve been involved in a few a dodgy things, but so what? I mean, I _am_ a Dingle. It’s not self-harm. I’m just living me life.”

“Or filling up your time,” Chas said with a nod. “If you had someone-”

Aaron pulled his hands away from hers, moving away from the counter to get some space. “I don’t _need_ someone.”

“So what? You’re going to be single forever are ya?” Chas asked. “Love, you _deserve _to be happy.”

“Well I would be if that were true. But guess what, people don’t always get what they deserve. Oh, except for Robert, of course. Rapist murdering idiot that he was. He definitely deserved to get sent down.”

“Aaron,” Chas said quietly, as if it was a huge revelation that Aaron was still angry, still felt the injustice of his life being torn apart, and guess what, _still_ loved Robert Sugden. 

The kettle boiled and it broke the tension that had their gazes locked together. Aaron cleared his throat, nodding to the kettle. “I’ll...water’s boiled.”

Chas jerkily nodded her head, running her tongue over her top teeth in a gesture of nerve-soothing, before blocking his path to the kettle and making him to walk into a hug.

“You know I love you?” she said.

“Of course I do,” he said quietly, rubbing his hand across her back. “I love you too.”

She pulled away to look at him, rubbing his arms as if he needed comforting, earning a frown from him. Shaky smile back on her face, she said, “He’ll be back before you know it. Then you can have a right go at him for acting like such an idiot. We’ll form a line actually. You, me, Liv and Vic.”

Something unfurled in Aaron’s chest, and it hurt more than grief and disappointment. It felt a little like hope, and it seemed to turn his insides into water. He nodded at Chas, looking at her through blurring vision, and letting her hug him tight.

*****

Aaron finished painting the doorframe to one of the French doors that opened onto the garden. Pleased with the second coat gleam, he stepped back and gave it an approving nod. He walked over to he cast iron garden table where the camcorder sat, switching it on. He pointed at the camera and then at the frame.

“See that? How it’s done,” he said with a nod. “I know, you’d be all, just pay someone to do it, but...it’s different when you’re doing it for yourself. You know, _for_ someone else.”

He drifted off for a moment, thinking back to walking into the Mill, finding a home instead of a shell. Robert had done that for him. For him and for Liv. It had meant the world to Aaron.

Aaron pushed aside the thought. “So, saw Diane the other day. Her and Bernice came up for a visit. Oh and Vic’s got a new bloke. Might be the one actually. Proper job. Wears a suit. I heard him call Harry _Champ_. Should’ve seen Harry’s face. He looked a right Sugden.”

“Sounds like a prat,” Robert would have said. Aaron smiled at the thought. “What kind of suit?”

“A really _nice_ suit,” Aaron said. Taking up a seat in front of the camcorder. He thought back to seeing Vic in the pub, sitting there with her new fella. “She looked happy she did. About time.”

That familiar pang plucked at his heart. He nodded, took a deep breath, and turned the camcorder off.

*****

Aaron couldn’t help but smile. Liv was sitting on the sofa with one leg tucked under her, the other kind of hanging off, a glass of wine in her hand and an appreciative look on her face.

“When did you get so savvy about wine?” she asked.

“When did you start saying savvy?” he teased. She grinned, letting out a little laugh. “So, what happened with his Patrick then? I thought you were all serious.”

She shrugged. “The usual. He was convinced my being asexual wasn’t an issue, until it was.”

Aaron straightened. “He didn’t try anything with you, did he?”

She shook her head. “No, he wouldn’t. He’s just an idiot. Anyway, forget that. You alright?”

Aaron shrugged. “Dunno. You tell me. I know Mum’s already had your ear.”

Liv smiled, gaze dipping to her glass before going to him. “She worries about you. It’s what mums are supposed to do. I wish my mum worried half as much. Anyway, Chas said the police have been around.”

Aaron smiled, offering another shrug. “I answered their questions, they moved on. I’m sure they’ll get their man, what with the legal system being what it is.”

“Aaron-”

Aaron grinned at her. “Olivia. Are you about to tell me to stay out of trouble?”

She snorted. “Like that ever helped. What about all these trips to France? What’s all that about? Chas says you’ve been there like four times this year.”

“I have friends there. I’ve business contacts there. It’s easy to get to. It’s better than sitting around here getting my head pecked in,” Aaron said. “They teach you to hate the French at university or summat?”

Liv didn’t laugh at that. She just sat there watching him closely. Looking at her wine she said, “You sound like Robert sometimes.”

He frowned at her. He had no idea what she meant. He knew that in the past Robert meant _liar_, _selfish_, _greedy_, and all sorts. He didn’t know what she meant by it in this moment though, but his gut said it wasn’t a compliment. He just smiled it off.

“Turning everything into a joke,” she explained. “Rob always did that.”

“Not everything’s a joke,” Aaron said calmly. “Eve talks a lot of sense.”

“I see she’s taken the spot of favourite sister,” Liv said with a grin. Aaron shook his head, opening his arm out towards her and letting her slot underneath. They were quiet for a moment, before Liv said. “Are you nicking motors then?”

He shoved her away, making her laugh.

*****

“So Liv turned 26 last week. I mean, wow, right? Seems like yesterday she was this gobby little kid up to all sorts. Now we’ve got a free counselor in the family. God knows the Dingles need one. Still gobby by the way, that’s not likely to change.”

Aaron trailed off with a little smile, looking out of the windows at the night sky. It seemed starrier than usual. The kind of sky you wanted to share with someone. He sank back against the deep cushions of the couch and sighed, shivering a little, feeling the creep of winter, though it was only October yet.

“You’ve been on my mind a lot lately...just...all the time. Look, was at the scrapyard and sliced it right open on this sheet of metal. Seven stitches.” 

Aaron held up his bandaged hand, waving at the camcorder.

“Should have seen me mum’s face. Probably thought I was self-harming, which I’m not by the way. Because I’ve got this. I’ve got you.” Aaron looked at the palm of his hand, feeling the scratch of stitches under the bandage. Frowning at it he quietly said, “You’d have something too, if you weren’t so stubborn.”

He took a deep shaky breath, blowing it out slowly, pulling the sleeves of his sweater a bit, until they were just above his knuckles. He pulled at the neck of the sweater, before pointing at it.

“Yours. Managed to slip through the purge somehow. Been stretching it out because, obviously, I still hate ya,” Aaron said, scrunching up his face.

He thought he heard Robert laugh, his mind so adept at bringing up memories of Robert. He would have laughed deep in his chest and then he would have made a grab for Aaron, as if to tickle, but they’d only end up kissing. Aaron folded his arms tight across his chest, taking a deep breath.

“I shouldn’t forgive ya for this, you know? I shouldn’t,” Aaron said. He frowned at the camcorder, and then switched it off with a sigh.

*****

“Ugh. I am getting too old for this job,” Jimmy complained.

Aaron sighed, sitting back in his chair at his desk. “I know, mate. I’m hearing about it literally every five minutes.”

“I thought your husband was a slave driver, but your sister-in-law’s even worse,” he said. Aaron snorted. “Harry’ll be in here next telling me how to do the rotas.”

“Didn’t see you complaining when we got a bigger and better portacabin,” Aaron said.

Jimmy looked around at the space which seemed more like an office now and less like a glorified supplies cupboard. “No complaints there, I’ve got to say. Robert’ll be happy when he gets out soon enough.”

Aaron frowned at Jimmy. “What’d’you mean?”

Jimmy frowned right back at Aaron. “Well, he’s only got a few years left to serve. Parole’s practically right around the corner.”

Aaron nodded slowly. There’d always been a chance of early parole even though it had been set at fourteen years. Aaron just hadn’t dared to think about it. 

“Sorry. Haven’t upset you have I?” Jimmy asked in his usual tactless fashion. 

Aaron scowled at him. “_No_. Nothing to do with me anymore is it? Your business partner made sure of that.”

“Ah, right,” Jimmy said, with an additional thoughtful _ah_ and _hmm_ thrown in. “I can tell sharing this office is going to become interesting then.”

Aaron rolled his eyes and got up to leave, firmly telling Jimmy to give it a rest.

*****

Aaron woke up with his heart racing. He put his hand on his chest and breathed slowly, blowing out long breaths. It wasn’t the first time he’d woken in a panic, but it had been a while since the last. He got up, showered, dressed, went downstairs and had a strong cup of coffee, racing heart be damned. Coffee or no coffee, something was tripping under his skin. He went to the scrapyard, feeling an urge to go old school and tear something apart.

He picked a wreck and brought the crowbar down on innards under the car bonnet, pulling back hard and letting fly whatever got hooked. It seemed to be getting the job done until he realised he was smashing to bits everything the crowbar touched, metal and plastic debris flying up in his direction.

“Whoa whoa! What you doing?” Aaron stepped back, took a deep breath and then dropped the crowbar where he stood. Gathering himself a little, he turned towards Cain and nodded in greeting, pushing up his protective goggles. Cain was looking at him like Aaron had grown two heads. “Everything alright?”

Aaron shrugged. “Just working.”

Cain’s whole face scrunched up into a sentence that clearly read, _do I look like I was born yesterday_? “Since when do you do the dirty work these days? No nice cars about to pull apart?”

“Something like that,” Aaron said placidly. “What you doing here? Let me guess. Mum?”

Cain shrugged. “Just checking up on my favourite nephew.”

That made Aaron smile. “Is that right?”

“And,” Cain said angling his head as if he’d just remembered something, “last of the parts have been shipped off. Good timing and all. Had a little visitation from our local friendly constable. Sorted it though.”

“Right. Thanks,” Aaron said. 

“Just make sure you don’t get caught in any of these extra curricular activities of yours. Especially since, according to Jimmy anyway, your fella could be out anytime soon.”

“Yeah well, what does Jimmy know?” Aaron said, pulling off his gloves. “I ain’t heard anything.”

“Robert’s smart, he’ll have kept his nose clean in there. Reckon he could get out earlier than fourteen years for sure,” Cain said. “All I’m saying is, it’d be a pity if you got sent down before he even makes it back out. Might want to step back from the haulage business as well. You get shopped for transporting stolen goods? You’re definitely going down.”

Aaron smiled at him, leaning down to pick up the crowbar. He nodded to the car he had been ripping into. “Consider my nose clean.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ve put a pretty penny away by now,” Cain said with a knowing look. “Unless you blown it all on them French getaways.”

Aaron pulled his goggles back down and got ready to swing the crowbar, telling Cain, “It’s the cheese, mate. To die for.”

Cain gave him a quizzical look and moved on, back to his own business. Aaron returned to the car, smashing it as close to pieces as possible.

His heart continued tripping.

*****

“What we doing in this layby then?”

Robert’s voice was soft in his mind. If Aaron ignored the passenger seat, he could almost pretend Robert was right there, looking exactly as he had the last time they were together. Aaron looked out of the window and at the field. Not much had changed on this spot, it’s why he liked it and came back to it often. This spot had been kind enough to stay the same for him and Robert.

“Wish you’d talk to me,” Aaron said quietly. “Tell me what you’re thinking right now. ‘Cause I know it’s something stupid.”

“That’s not really like me though, is it?” Robert said, his voice, but Aaron’s words. “We’d probably have had happier times and less trouble if I didn’t keep things to myself.”

“I’m going to smack you in the face,” Aaron muttered, “that’s the first thing I’ll do when I see you.”

“As long as you kiss it better after.” God. Even the Robert concocted in Aaron’s mind hadn’t an ounce of shame. Aaron smiled a little.

Aaron turned to look at the passenger seat, finding it empty. Once upon a time it had hurt, but then he started telling himself that the passenger seat was his, and of course it was empty if he wasn’t in it. On the upside, when he’d sit in that seat, he’d find Robert next to him too.

“Aaron Dingle,” Robert said, smiling in his mind. “Dead romantic.”

Aaron smiled and looked back out at the gradient of greenery. “You’ve no idea, mate.”

*****

Aaron sat glaring at the mantelpiece, specifically at the birthday cards he’d been sent. There was one from Seb. There was a cheeky one from Liv. An even cheekier one from Eve. There was a joint one from Vic and Harry. One from his mum and Paddy. There was one from Cain and Moira, delivered by Moira of course, Cain handing Aaron a pint instead. He’d check the morning’s post twice. He wasn’t sure why he’d expected something from Robert, but he did. There had been a hard palpable certainty that something would come through the letterbox and it would be from Robert.

Aaron sighed and got up, grabbing his coat and walking out of the Mill. It was winter dark outside, a colder January than usual, not many people about. Not that it was late late. It was perfect for Aaron though, quiet and allowing him to walk through his thoughts, rather than having them sitting heavy on his chest. His mind was always in chaos, it was just that sometimes it was dialled to 1 and sometimes to 10. Somehow stepping out of the house helped to dial it down a notch, enough to make him want to go home again.

It was like that tonight. He’d never been one for birthdays, and the ones without Robert had been the worst, a constant reminder of aging without the man he loved at his side. All the birthday wishes had bothered him a little more than usual today. He couldn’t get away quick enough from the birthday breakfast, and then later the birthday lunch, and finally the birthday flipping pints at the pub in the evening. He knew they all wanted to shield him from his loneliness, but he managed well on the other 364 days of the year, didn’t he?

Aaron stopped walking, his thoughts drifting off to the side for a moment, and slipping into some resting place. There was a light on at the garage. He peered in its direction. It wasn’t late late, but it was late for the garage to be open. A roulette table came into mind, a spinning surprise for him. A barn filled with bread, Robert waiting with a beaming smile on his face. A layby proposal they both managed to ruin for each other. Robert miserably sat on the floor of the garage, thinking of happier times.

The light went off. Out came one of Debbie’s new boys. He made a quick job of locking up and leaving as Aaron moved into the shadows. He shook his head, just staring at the garage. He’d been so certain. 

“Happy birthday, Aaron.”

Aaron stilled where he stood at the sound of Robert’s voice coming from somewhere close behind him. _Please_, Aaron thought at the universe, or whoever and whatever might have been listening, _don’t let this be a dream._


	4. Chapter 4

Eleven years ago Robert clung to Aaron, asking that he make a promise to never forget how much he loved Aaron. _Promise me you’ll never forget_, he said. He held Aaron so tight that even in eleven years that feeling of being crushed in Robert’s arms was an easy one to bring to the surface of his memories. With a tearful goodbye he’d turned away and left without looking back even once. Not even a parting glance. That had been their ending. Now, eleven years later, here he was, wishing Aaron happy birthday.

Aaron nodded, biting down on his trembling bottom lip. Taking a breath, he turned around and took a good long look at Robert. Maybe it was the dark, but Robert just looked like Robert, the one Aaron had lost years ago. His eyes were glittering with unspent tears. _Don’t you dare_, Aaron wanted to say, _don’t you dare look at me like that._ If only Aaron could stop staring at him. But he couldn’t, and all those scenarios he’d dreamed of over the years were disappearing one by one into thin air. 

Robert took a few tentative steps towards him. Aaron would have moved, but his feet seemed rooted to the spot. He’d had this dream before. He remembered it now. That dream where he went looking for Robert in all their secret places, and Aaron could never find him. It was always Robert who found Aaron. Aaron would turn around, he would go to Robert, and then the dream would break just as Aaron would reach for him. He’d wake up and it would just be Aaron on his own again, sleeping in an empty bed, living in a haunted house. This was that dream, wasn’t it?

“Say something,” Robert murmured quietly, frowning at Aaron as he came a little closer. Aaron jerked his head back, his feet still stuck to the ground, legs weak and rigid at the same time. He looked Robert up and down, shaking his head, _no this can’t be real. This can’t be a dream_. “Aaron?”

Aaron’s hand drifted to Robert’s chest. He hadn’t meant it, it just did. _Christ_, his heart thumped. Robert’s coat didn’t feel like a dream. Aaron’s other hand came up, both his palms flat against Robert’s chest, fingers curling slow and stiff against muscle, against a body, against_ reality_. His head was spinning. It was _Robert_. 

Robert’s hands came up to cover Aaron’s fisted hands, slow and careful. It was like having a bucket of ice thrown over him. Aaron jerked away, taking a step back, his breath quickening in his chest, mouth hanging open and eyes wide as he stared at Robert, because it _was _Robert. Robert was here. Robert was back. 

Aaron’s fist swung up hard. It was swift and sudden and he hadn’t meant for it to happen, despite having dreamed of this scenario. He just did it and it caught Robert near the mouth. Robert twisted away and fell to the ground. Aaron stood over him, breathing hard, watching Robert as he slowly turned to sit, drawing one leg up. He flexed his jaw, rubbing at it. Annoyingly, he didn’t seem surprised at all by this particular welcome. 

“I suppose I had that coming,” Robert said, grimacing. He frowned up at Aaron, commenting, “Thought it might be more than one punch if I’m honest.”

Aaron took a deep breath, looking around the empty street. He didn’t know what to do. He’d rehearsed it enough times. Sometimes he’d smack Robert in the mouth: done. Sometimes he’d kiss him and take him home. Aaron stilled, bringing his hand down from where it had been rubbing his forehead. He scowled at Robert who was quietly watching him, having the gall to look worried.

Robert got up, slow and unsteady. Aaron took a step away from him. Robert put his hands up, stopping where he stood. “I just want to talk to you.”

Aaron let out a laugh. “_Now _he wants to talk.”

“I know I hurt ya,” Robert said softly, using that surrendering tone of his. “I just need to tell ya-”

“Shut up.” Aaron looked away with a frustrated shake of the head. “Just shut up. I can’t...I can’t think right now.”

Robert nodded, and when he spoke after a moment, his words sounded like they had no mass to them, just hopeless air. “I’ll go. I didn’t come here to upset you, or expecting you to forgive me, Aaron.”

“Well I do,” Aaron snapped. 

Robert frowned at him. “What?”

“I forgive ya,” Aaron said roughly, his mouth barely working, his throat tightening. “I’ve spent the last eleven years forgiving you. But typical Robert. Always think you know what’s going on in me head. How about _asking_ me what I want, Robert, instead of guessing what you think I deserve or what I need?”

Robert nodded, his mouth working to stay firm and failing. His eyes were glistening when he said, “Okay. What do you want, Aaron?”

“You,” Aaron said thickly. He blew out a shuddering breath, nodding. “I want you.”

Robert’s eyes glistened, lips clamping shut for a second before he reached out to take Aaron’s hand, squeezing it tight. He was shaking. Aaron looked down at their hands. He closed his eyes against the tidal wave of emotion he felt. It was going to happen right here, he thought, he was going to break down. He couldn’t hold it together anymore, but Robert let go of his hand and pulled him close, his arms slipping around Aaron.

Aaron pressed his mouth against Robert’s shoulder, keeping his eyes closed. Don’t, he told himself, please don’t. He swallowed, pulling back a little shakily, greedily taking in Robert now that he was so close. Aaron leaned up and pressed his mouth against Robert’s, shutting his eyes. It was a cold shaky press of lips, trembling grateful smiles. It was terrible as kisses went, but Aaron couldn’t remember better.

*****

At the end of their happy ever after, Aaron would remember this night with complete clarity over many other memories he kept safely tucked away. The chill of the air. The way Robert held his hand so tight, the strongest power in the universe couldn’t have pulled them apart. The way they kept stealing glances at each other, as if to make sure it wasn’t all a dream. The way they slowly walked towards the Mill, because they could take their time, time finally on their side again.

Robert stopped at the head of the path towards their home, staring at the Mill in silence. Aaron could see his eyes glistening, reflecting the light of the watchful moon. Aaron tugged his hand and pulled him along, Robert following behind, his footsteps sounding heavy and lumpen. They both had to part long enough to open the door and get inside, but then they were in, and the world was locked out behind them.

Aaron drifted to the side as Robert stood there looking around the living room, drinking everything in. Meanwhile, Aaron drank in the sight of Robert. The blond of his hair was doing a good job of hiding the whites, unlike the little buggers that had appeared in Aaron’s hair and on his chin. He was wearing a mid-length grey coat, collars up, a maroon sweater over a white shirt, with blue jeans and boots. He looked good, if tired. The sparkle in his eyes had been chipped, but it wasn’t gone. There were a few more lines on his face, and his features seemed just a little sharper, but otherwise, he was just Robert. The Robert Aaron had longed for all this time.

“You look good,” Robert said quietly, making Aaron realise he’d been assessed too.

“That why you married me twice?” Aaron said quietly, trying for a joke. It didn’t feel funny. Nothing did right now.

Robert smiled, a sparkle of surprise in his eyes. “Well...amongst other reasons.”

Robert cast another eye over their surroundings. He looked amused when he saw the Vespa lamp was missing. “Finally got rid of the lamp then.”

Aaron looked at the spot under the stairs that now held a small cabinet. Nodding, he said, “Binned it with the rest of your stuff.”

“I suppose that’s no less than I deserve,” Robert said, hiding his hurt if he felt any. Just as well - Aaron regretted trying to hurt him almost instantly. Robert moved towards Aaron, his voice was low, careful when he spoke. “You said you forgive me.”

Aaron thought about it, wading through countless sessions of counseling, piecing together for himself what forgiveness really meant. “Yeah. Not the first time, is it?”

“A lot can change in eleven years,” Robert said.

“Like the way you feel about me?” Aaron said, unable to look Robert in the eye when he asked that question.

“No,” Robert said, quicker than a heartbeat, a breath, a thought. “Not that.”

Aaron nodded, letting the relief stay in his chest, not anywhere Robert could see it. “I had eleven years to hate you, to forget you, to move on. Couldn’t do any of that. In the end, all I had left was to forgive you. And I do. I get why you did what you did. I don’t like it. I don’t like you for doing it. But I get it. And I forgive ya.”

“But Aaron-”

“Don’t you think you’ve been punished enough?” Robert’s expression softened, his chin denting. Swallowing the tightness in his throat Aaron asked him, “Don’t you think we both have? I just want to get on with our life, Robert. I don’t want to waste time fighting with ya. We’ve both lost so much already.”

Aaron stopped, his voice cracking, and Robert immediately reached for him. “I know. Me too. Aaron, I don’t want to waste another _second_.”

“Then don’t.” Aaron pulled him close and kissed his trembling mouth, before taking him upstairs.

*****

When Aaron had come back from his two month stint in prison, that first day had passed so quickly. All he remembered was the way Robert held him outside the prison, so tight, so close. Aaron had felt as if he was breathing through Robert. The pub get together had been a nightmare, all the people and the noise. But there was Robert again when he needed him, taking him back to the Mill, sorting him out, saying all the right things. 

That night, all Aaron wanted was Robert. Robert had laughed at Aaron’s urgency to get him naked and into bed, laughed through their kisses when teeth collided and when Aaron accidentally elbowed Robert in his ribs.

“Slow down, slow down,” he’d said and Aaron would have felt embarrassed if Robert hadn’t looked at him like maybe he wasn’t so hard to love. Or maybe Robert just made it seem easy because he was Robert. Ultimately, it hadn’t mattered.

When Aaron took Robert to bed it was different. There was eleven years of distance between them. Everything felt so fragile. Robert had never been so tentative, so careful. He had always been wanting, greedy. He’d cajole and coax, he’d push and pull, he’d get in Aaron’s space, square shouldered and smug. He’d have a fiery look in his eyes that was naked and honest about what he wanted. Nobody had wanted Aaron like this. Not ever. Not the way Robert wanted him skin deep.

It was still there, but Aaron could see flickers of uncertainty too. Robert seemed to momentarily disappear into his own mind, somewhere far from Aaron. Aaron could almost hear the void inside his head, a space filled with darkness. Aaron pulled back from a tremorous kiss. “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”

A small smile flickered across Robert’s mouth. He shook his head. “I don’t want this to be over quick. I just...want to look at ya for a bit.”

“Shut up,” Aaron said with a quiet laugh, feeling his cheeks warm at the way Robert was smiling at him.

“What? You’re beautiful, Aaron,” Robert said, jaw clenching as he took Aaron’s hand in his, squeezing it tight. His thumb was rubbing a space on Aaron’s ring finger and he was disappearing back into his head.

Aaron jostled him with a shoulder. “So are you. Woulda told ya, but didn’t think it was a good idea with that massive ego of yours.”

“What are you talking about?” Robert grinned at him. “Called me fit enough times.”

“Not the same though, is it?” Aaron said scrunching up his face.

“I knew what you meant,” Robert said with a shrug.

“Big head,” Aaron teased. Robert grinned, showing a flash of even white teeth. He seemed aglow. It might have been the light in the bedroom. It might have been the light inside Aaron’s heart. But he seemed aglow.

Robert leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Aaron’s mouth, brushing their lips together. He didn’t pull back though, staying close. Aaron thought he felt the brush of Robert’s eyelashes, the ghosting of his breath across Aaron’s cheek. Aaron frowned, feeling Robert’s mouth brushing his jaw line. He quietly murmured, “Rob...”

Robert pulled back, looking at Aaron through hooded eyes, his gaze on Aaron’s mouth. Aaron felt his breath quicken, heat flare under his skin. He leaned in just as Robert lurched forward, their mouths colliding, Robert’s fingers digging into the skin of his shoulders as he was pressed back against the pillows. 

When Robert pulled back for a moment, he had a dark look in his eyes, one Aaron remembered from a long time ago, one that came with the smell of metal and grease, the feel of a car door digging into Aaron’s back. It was a look that said Robert wanted to know something – something only Aaron could tell him.

*****

They lay together quietly, Aaron pressed up against Robert, his arm encircling Robert’s waist, his cheek pressed against Robert’s chest. Robert had an arm around him and lifted it temporarily so he could run his fingers through Aaron’s hair. Aaron closed his eyes, fingers curling against Robert’s ribcage as Robert’s hand stroked a path down to the back of Aaron’s neck, gently cupping, fingers idly shifting.

There was so much to say, but Aaron couldn’t even begin to think where he might start. He let out a small sigh, turning his face towards Robert enough to press his mouth to skin. He stayed there, eyes closed, clinging onto a momentary sense of contentment. Robert was here and still so much himself. _Thank you_, he thought. 

“Never thought I’d get to have this again,” Robert murmured under him. “Being here with you like this. I wanted you to move on, but...the thought I might see you again. It’s all that kept me going in there.”

Aaron said nothing, clamping his mouth shut as his lips trembled. Robert’s hand moved, his thumb gently caressing the shell of Aaron’s ear.

“Sorry,” Robert said quietly. “You don’t need to hear all this.”

Aaron shifted, moving up Robert’s body to lean over him, shaking his head. “You can tell me anything. Anything, Robert. You’re home and you’re free. And you’ve got me.”

Robert’s eyes glistened with tears, a smile fighting against his quivering mouth. He reached up to cup Aaron’s face, his hand slipping to the back of his head to bring him closer, pressing a shaky kiss to his mouth. It deepened and perhaps would have turned to something else if Aaron hadn’t felt the hitch in Robert’s breath and tasted the salt of tears on his tongue.

Aaron pulled back, looking into Robert’s watery gaze. Kissing away the dampness on his cheek, he murmured into Robert’s skin, “It’s okay.”

Robert buried his face against Aaron’s shoulder and Aaron held him tight.

*****

They didn’t sleep, spending the night remembering each other’s bodies, ignoring silences heavy with the things they both wanted to say but couldn’t. Robert had kissed his way down Aaron’s chest and then stopped for a moment, his fingers ghosting over scars that hadn’t been there the last time they were together. Only he’d notice there were new ones. He pressed his forehead against them, his breath hot on Aaron’s skin. Aaron combed his fingers through Robert’s hair, before giving the mop a gentle tug.

He told Robert, “It’s okay.”

“How can it be okay?” Robert shook his head. “I did this to you.”

“No. Not really,” Aaron murmured, fingers scratching lightly against Robert’s scalp. “But you’re the reason I stopped. Didn’t want to accidentally drop dead because you weren’t around to notice.”

He’d meant it as a joke, but Robert didn’t laugh, pressing his lips against Aaron’s skin. A sensation mixed of a million emotions bloomed in Aaron’s chest, inflating and making his lungs feel warm and watery. He stared up at the light fixture which soon lost its shape and turned into a blurred halo, Aaron’s hand weakly resting on the back of Robert’s head. _Nothing to cry about_, he told himself, _nothing to cry about now._

“Keep thinking none of this is real,” Aaron said, taking a shaky breath. “Might wake up and...it's just a dream.”

Robert huffed warmly against Aaron’s skin. “I know. But it’s not. Not this time.”

“No?” Aaron asked.

Robert’s head lifted, his bright gaze directed at Aaron. When he smiled, it took ten years right off his face. “No.”

Aaron smiled down at him, pulling him up the bed so they could lie closer. Robert wrapped himself around Aaron, pressing a kiss into his cheek, before whispering all sorts into his ear. They were still awake when the sun rose and ate up all the dark shadows in the room, before spilling its light over both of them, Robert half draped across Aaron, his arm around Aaron’s middle, cheek pressed to Aaron’s chest. 

Robert jerked in Aaron’s hold, stopping himself from nodding off for the umpteenth time. Aaron scowled at the crown of his head. “Get some sleep, will ya?”

Robert pushed closer against Aaron as he shook his head, murmuring something about _not yet_. Aaron knew though, he understood. Prison was good at taking away the little joys like sleep, like quiet, like solitude. It turned everything into a terror. Besides, if you stayed awake, you couldn’t dream, you could keep all your worst nightmares at bay.

Aaron combed his fingers through Robert’s hair. “I’ll wake ya. If you have a bad dream.”

He didn’t add, _just like you used to_. He wouldn’t have to say that. Robert would know. He did know, from the way his muscles seemed to relax. He mumbled, “Okay.”

It was about nine in the morning when Robert went still and heavy, his breathing evening out. Aaron lay there listening to him. Tremors ran through the muscles of his face as he fought another urge to break down. Years of this had been stolen from him. It wasn’t fair. How would he ever get over it? How was it that even with Robert back in his arms, Aaron felt the anger of it all more than ever?

_Promise me anyway._

Aaron closed his eyes, frowning at the sound of Robert’s voice warbling at the back of his mind. He didn’t need to think about that anymore. He didn’t need to remember the way Robert had clung to him for dear life and then let ago. He didn’t need to remember the desperation with which he’d asked Aaron for a promise. But then, it was hard to forget something he’d remembered every single day since Robert told him goodbye.

Aaron carefully slipped out of bed, grabbing his clothes and dressing outside the bedroom, before quietly making his way downstairs. He stood at the bottom of the stairs for a long time, eyes closed, breathing slow and deep before he moved to the sofa where he sat with his gaze resting on the mantelpiece, that spot where their photograph used to be, where he’d smashed it to pieces, where he’d cried tears of desperation.

He could stop now, he thought, he could stop counting down the seconds of every minute, of every hour, of every day, and week, and month and year out of the fourteen Robert had been sentenced to. 

That clock could finally stop and time could begin again.


	5. Chapter 5

He’d barely got the bread out and was just about to fill the kettle when he heard Robert ask, “Why didn’t you wake me?”

Aaron turned from the kitchen counter to see Robert walking in, bleary-eyed and sleep ruffled, wearing a borrowed grey t-shirt of Aaron’s and an even greyer pair tracksuit bottoms that had always been a little too long for Aaron. He couldn’t help wondering about what might have gone through Robert’s mind as he raided Aaron’s drawers for clothes? Did it hurt to see nothing of his there after their lives had been so intertwined? Aaron had wanted that once, for Robert to come home and see himself removed from from the décor, from the furnishings. Only, it hurt Aaron more. How had he not seen that coming? That overwhelming feeling was back again, waters rising in Aaron’s chest, unspent grief sloshing up against the insides of his ribs.

“You alright?” Robert asked, a slight frown on his face.

Aaron smiled. “More than.”

Robert smiled at him, bright, joyous and blinding. He drifted towards Aaron, his hands moving to slip around Aaron’s waist and pull him close. Just like that, they were kissing, Robert crowding him, surrounding him. _He’s back_, Aaron’s heart thudded out, _he’s back, he’s back, he’s back. _Robert kissed him harder still, drowning out even the smallest scratching of thoughts in Aaron’s head.

Aaron frowned when they pulled apart. “What was that for?”

Robert seemed surprised himself, but he beamed and took Aaron’s hand, pulling him towards the stairs. “Come on.”

“I was going to make breakfast,” Aaron said, turning to point towards the forgotten bread.

Robert tugged him back into line, telling him, “Breakfast can wait.”

They both ended up back upstairs, Robert grabbing at him, undressing him, getting Aaron back into bed, his mouth and his hands not leaving Aaron for more than a second at a time. Aaron’s head was spinning. It had been over a decade since he had this, since Robert had taken him apart like the way only he knew, as if Aaron’s body was his own, as if he knew it inside out.

Aaron let out a stuttering gasp, fingers curling into the flesh of Robert’s arm. Robert stopped kissing him and pulled back slowly. He frowned at Aaron and Aaron wondered if a strange panic that was thrumming in his chest showed on his face. Robert gently cupped his face. “What is it?”

Aaron shook his head and clenched his jaw tight against the rising tide of words that wanted to spill out. _You just left me, _he wanted to say, _threw me away like I was nothing_. He breathed them back down, quietly telling Robert, “I missed you.”

The look in Robert’s eyes was melted-wax warm. “Missed you too.”

Aaron smiled, pulling Robert back down. “Show me how much.”

*****

Aaron drifted somewhere between sleeping and waking, lying curled on his side, an arm tucked under his head. Behind him, Robert was partially propped up on an elbow, occasionally leaning forward to nuzzle at Aaron’s head. Aaron could tell he was being watched by Robert, because it felt the same as lying in the light of the sun’s rays. He could feel the warmth of Robert’s gaze wherever it touched him.

“You gone to sleep on me?” Robert asked, his arm slipping around Aaron’s waist.

Aaron meant to say no, but it came out as mumbled, “Mmmm.”

Robert laughed quietly. “Didn’t quite catch that.”

“No,” Aaron said, rusty-voiced, his hand coming up to close around Robert’s wrist. He craned his head back to look at Robert, smiling when he saw the corner of Robert’s mouth quirk up happily.

Robert leaned in close to tenderly kiss Aaron, brushing their noses together and Aaron lifted a hand to stroke his fingers down Robert’s cheek. Robert’s lips coaxed Aaron’s mouth open for a deeper kiss. Aaron turned until he could wrap his arms around Robert’s shoulders, pulling him close, rolling him onto his back, humming with satisfaction into Robert’s mouth, before hugging him tight. Robert’s hands moved to his back, one of them rubbing up and down in a soothing motion. Aaron frowned. He didn’t need to be comforted, whatever Robert was thinking. He had Robert back, and there was no bigger comfort than that in the world.

Robert turned his face to press a kiss against Aaron’s temple and Aaron closed his eyes, breathing Robert in. After a while Robert quietly asked, “Should we go downstairs?”

Aaron shook his head slightly. “Can we just stay here for a bit?”

“’Course we can,” Robert said. “You okay? You don’t...you don’t have to be. I know this is all so surreal-”

“Robert,” Aaron said quietly, feeling his cheeks warm, his eyes stinging. “We’re not talking about this right now.”

Robert was quiet for a moment, but then his arms tightened around Aaron just a little more firmly. He let out a sigh and said, “Okay. Whatever you want.”

_Whatever you want_, he said, like offering someone everything was that easy. It seemed easy though when Robert said things like that. Aaron could still believe it, more now than ever. He still believed that Robert was capable of anything

*****

The bedside clock read **1 3 : 0 0**

Aaron blinked at the reading from where he lay on his stomach, his face half-squashed into the pillow. He couldn’t help but stare at it as it turned from **1 3 : 00 **to **13 : 0 1**

Weird how time was speeding up now that Robert was back. How was it speeding now, when it had dragged for years?

**1 3 : 0 2**

**1 3 : 0 3**

**13 : 0 4**

Time was flying away from him. How was that even fair?

Aaron rolled onto his back, turning his head to look at the empty space next to him. Robert was back. Wasn’t he? The pleasant ache in his muscles and bones couldn’t lie. Robert was back. The aroma of coffee drifting up into the room confirmed this. Aaron sat up and stared at the landing beyond the open bedroom door. He could hear Robert moving around downstairs. It was a strange kind of silent noise, the kind a ghost might make, Aaron thought.

He thought back to his stints in prison. Each time he’d come back feeling like a part of him had been hollowed out, and each time it was a while before he felt whole again. He didn’t want to think about what eleven years did to a man. Especially a man like Robert. Aaron sighed, shaking off the maudlin thoughts. He threw on some clothes and made his way down the stairs, slowing when he caught sight of Robert.

Robert was still wearing Aaron’s grey top, but with his jeans, bare feet looking pale against the floor. He was standing by the counter and seemed fixated on the toaster. Eleven years ago, Aaron would have sneaked up on him, poked him in the side to annoy him on purpose. But eleven years ago, Robert wasn’t standing so far away, wherever he was in his own mind. Aaron walked into the kitchen and eyed the toaster to see the toast out and ready, unnoticed.

“Okay?” Aaron asked quietly.

Aaron didn’t miss the flinch before Robert turned around, smile on his face. Barely back a day and he was already lying. “Yeah. Was going to make scrambled eggs on toast. But...no eggs.”

“Toast’ll do,” Aaron said. He nodded to the kettle. “Tea?”

“Yeah. Um, it’s...I think it boiled.” Aaron went to the kettle, gave it a light tap to find it cool to the touch. Smiling at Robert he switched it on. Robert offered a sheepish smile in return. “Or not.”

Aaron went to Robert, taking his hand and looking up at him. “Why don’t I take care of breakfast, or lunch actually? Then maybe we can call Vic. Tell her to come over?”

A ripple of emotions crossed Robert’s face and the attempt he made to smile failed. “How is she?”

“Good,” Aaron said. “Missed you. She’s gonna kill you when she sees you, obviously. You’re lucky Diane’s moved away, or she’d be in line too.”

That did get a smile out of Robert. “I missed them.”

“You’ll finally get to meet Harry too,” Aaron said. Robert grinned at that. Aaron nodded. “Vic thinks he’s a charmer like his uncle, but Diane thinks he’s a grump just like your dad.”

“God, I hope not,” Robert said. He sighed, shaking his head. “I suppose he doesn’t know anything about Lee.”

“He’s eleven,” Aaron said with a shrug. “He’s busy being a kid. He’s asked questions, but Vic’s done okay with them. You just need to let her decide how she wants to play things.”

Robert didn’t put up a fight, nodding mutely. He gave Aaron’s hand a squeeze. Aaron looked at their hands, Robert’s fingers hooked over his. Aaron wondered how long it would take to get used to this again, being able to touch Robert, see him. Have him in his life.

“Go on. You go sit down, I’ll get this sorted,” Aaron said. “Have a rest.”

“Aaron, I just got out of prison, not hospital,” Robert said, looking amused.

“Yeah, well, the rule is you do what I tell you,” Aaron said. “Got that?”

“Whatever you say, boss,” Robert said, mouth tilting into a little smile that faded all too soon.

Robert looked burdened, not free. _Unfair_, Aaron thought, _unfair. _Aaron frowned at him and quietly said, “You’ve not asked about Seb.”

Robert’s chin dimpled, his lips turning down before he regained control. “My son’s grown up and I wasn’t there to see it. Now he’s on the other side of the world. Not much to ask about, is there?”

Aaron reached out for Robert’s arm, stroking it. He’d wondered what filtered through to Robert, and what didn’t, relieved that news about Seb wasn’t a fresh shock.

“Listen,” Aaron said. “Seb loves you. He’ll be nagging his mum to get on the next flight over when you tell him you’re out, I can bet ya. He’s not so grown up that you don’t get to be a part of his life. He misses his dad.”

Robert gave Aaron a watery smile, nodding, something hopeful glimmering in his eyes. Aaron pressed a kiss against Robert’s mouth, offering small reassurance, and Robert accepted it with a little smile. He let Aaron force him to sit down at the kitchen table as Aaron made them both a late breakfast, which they then ate in stilted silence, before moving to the sofa to wait for an unsuspecting Vic to arrive.

She turned up at three, walking into the Mill with a smile on her face which faded the second she saw her brother. Staring at him, her eyes wide, she uttered, “Robert?”

“He got back last night,” Aaron explained. “It’s okay. I’ve explained to him you’re gonna have a right go at him.”

Vic ignored Aaron, moving towards Robert. “You knew you were getting out and you didn’t tell anyone? Did you tell him?”

“Vic-”

“No, Aaron!” Vic snapped. “He doesn’t get to do this! He does not get to cut us out of his life and then turn up here like this.”

“Vic,” Robert said softly. It seemed to shut her up, the quietness with which he spoke her name. “I missed ya.”

Vic broke down, covering her face with her hands. Robert had tears in his eyes too. He moved towards her and she looked up at him, flushed pink, her face a mess of tears. Falling against him, she said, “_Robert_. You idiot. You flipping idiot.”

Robert wrapped his arms around her, nodding. “Yeah. I know. I _know_.”

Aaron somehow held back the wave of emotions he was feeling threatening to overwhelm him. _Promise me anyway_, his mind threw at him. Clearing his throat, he said, “Why don’t I give you both a bit of space? I’ve got to get some things from the shop anyway.”

Vic shook her head. “Aaron you don’t have to.”

“It’s fine,” he said with a shaky smile. “Seriously. Just leave him in one piece won’t ya?”

The matching tearful Sugden smiles aimed at him were enough to make him leave as quick as possible.

*****

The back of the pub was empty but for Eve and Harry. They were both sat on the sofa, feet up on the table, eyes on the telly. Harry’s hair was a messy brown mop atop a long face with a very Sugden pair of blue eyes. He had freckles over the bridge of his nose and his cheeks, his features mostly the spit of his mum, his frame lanky and skinny. Next to him Eve with her cute little pudgy face looked cuter still with her big round glasses and wild curls of brown hair.

“What you doing here?” Aaron asked Harry.

He narrowed his eyes and said, “Mum said she was going to see _you_.”

“I’m babysitting him,” Eve said very seriously. It made Aaron smile, Harry looking absolutely put out by the notion of being babysat by someone only months older than him.

“If you’re here, where’s me mum?” Harry asked.

Aaron nodded to them to budge up on the sofa. Both refused to give up their corners and Aaron sighed, walking past Harry to sit down in the middle. He folded his arms across his chest, frowning at whatever the hell the two of them were watching on the TV. “She got a call from Moira and asked her around, so I came over here.”

“Isn’t it true that I’m kind of like Harry’s aunt, right?” Eve asked, ignoring everything but whatever was in her head. “Because, I’m _your_ sister. And you’re Robert’s husband. And Robert is Harry’s uncle, which makes _you_ his uncle, which must make _me_ his aunt.”

“I’m not calling you Auntie Eve!” Harry said, looking appalled. “Will you stop going on about it, you little weirdo?”

“Stop winding him up,” Aaron said, trying to follow the TV show, some kind of talent thing. “And why you asking him to call you Auntie Eve? You’re _eleven_.”

Eve shrugged. “It’s proper.”

“It’s proper something alright, I just won’t say what,” Aaron told her. He sighed and got back up.

“Where you going?” Eve asked.

“Somewhere I don’t feel about a hundred years old,” Aaron said, heading towards the bar. He frowned when he saw Paddy behind it instead of his mum. Seemed like a slow afternoon, so it made sense. Aaron nodded to Paddy. “Where’s me mum?”

“Shopping,” Paddy said, looking less than pleased. “This is me day off, and I’m stuck here pulling flipping pints. Get you one?”

“Yeah, go on,” Aaron said, taking up a stool and leaning on the bar. Paddy placed a pint in front of him and Aaron immediately took a long satisfying gulp, sighing afterwards.

“Alright?” Paddy asked, brow furrowed.

Aaron nodded. “Yeah. More than.”

“Oh yeah?” Paddy said with a smile. “Why? What’s happened?”

“Robert’s back,” Aaron said, calmly, without fanfare. Paddy looked stunned, mouth falling open and then shutting silently. “Got back last night. Early parole. On license, obviously. Vic’s with him right now.”

“Aaron,” Paddy said breathlessly. “That’s brilliant, mate. That’s…I’m made up for ya.”

Aaron looked at his pint and then at Paddy. “Are you?”

A conflicted look passed across Paddy’s face. He looked around the pub, before moving a little closer to the bar and to Aaron. “You were in a dark place when Robert went to prison. I would have said anything if I thought it might help you dig yourself out. Chas and I, we know how much you love him, and we’ve seen the good and the bad things it’s done to you. It was never about Robert. It was always about making sure we wouldn’t lose you too. So yeah, I’m well made up he’s back. Frankly, you’re an absolute nightmare without him.”

Aaron drank more of his pint, nodding and considering Paddy’s words. Putting the pint down, he conceded, “Nice save, Paddy. Nice save.”

“How’s he doing?” Paddy asked.

Aaron considered the question, downing a bit more of his pint before he answered, “Hard to tell. Think he’s not quite here yet.”

“It’ll get better,” Paddy said.

“You know that do ya?” Aaron asked. 

Paddy didn’t react the way Aaron expected...the way he wanted. The question didn’t get his back up at all. “Well, he’s proved he only needs one thing to be happy, and that’s you. And he’s got you, hasn’t he? In fact, I’d say he probably never really lost ya.”

Aaron felt his throat constrict, his eyes sting. All he managed in response was a tight nod. 

Paddy nodded back. “Well. Back to my original point then. It’ll get better.”

*****

He could hear laughter when he stepped back into the Mill. Closing the door and taking his jacket off, he saw Vic and Robert sat next to each other, peering at her phone. She was smiling happily, Robert grinning. 

“Cake everywhere,” Vic was saying, making Robert laugh.

“That Harry’s 5th?” Aaron asked, walking in and taking up a spot on the sofa arm closest to Robert. He ended up leaning over Robert’s shoulder to look at the phone and a picture of Harry with cake on his hands and his face. “Aww. Look at him.”

Robert looked across at Vic, his voice quiet as he said, “Looks like Dad, doesn’t he?”

Vic’s eyes were shining bright as she nodded, smiling at Robert. “You can see it too?”

“Yeah,” Robert said, looking back at the phone. “That is definitely his nose. Poor kid.”

“You know who else has a Sugden nose?” Vic said, glancing at Aaron with a grin and then back at Robert. “Seb. Looks the spit of you he does.”

“Proper know-it-all too, just like his dad,” Aaron said, reaching out to put a hand on Robert’s shoulder. Robert looked up at Aaron, a little smile playing across his lips. He reached for Aaron’s hand, holding it tight.

Vic smiled at them both. Her eyes widened in the way they did just before she’d make an excuse to disappear. “Right. I should be getting home. Get tea on.”

“You can have tea here,” Aaron said. “Get Harry to come over.”

Vic smiled. “I can, and I will. But not today. I think Robert would rather spend some time with you.”

Robert opened his mouth to protest and then just smiled. He shook his head and said, “I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to,” Vic said, leaning forward and giving Robert half a hug with a kiss on the cheek. Robert walked her to the door where they hugged again, tight, all smiles. Aaron couldn’t help but smile too, watching from where he sat. Vic waved at him, “See ya.”

“See ya,” Aaron said.

Robert took her out and then came back in a minute later, shutting the door behind him. He stood there looking at Aaron, a quiet and content look on his face. It seemed he hadn’t been away at all. It seemed he had spent the last eleven years opening and closing that door, walking in and out of it.

Maybe he had. Maybe somewhere where they couldn’t see, some other universe, Robert had never been away. Maybe they had everything they had dreamed of having together. Aaron looked away from Robert, feeling his chin give, his mouth turn down. Robert was in front of him in no time, wrapping his arms around Aaron’s shoulders. Aaron slipped his arms around Robert’s waist, pressed his face against Robert’s chest.

“You don’t need to keep it all inside,” Robert said quietly. “_Talk_ to me, Aaron.”

Aaron shook his head, closing his eyes tight and pressing in close to Robert, close enough to hear his heart thudding in his chest. He let out a breath, calming and cleansing. He didn’t need to talk. He just needed Robert.

*****

“What was it like?” Aaron murmured, pressed up against Robert in bed, the lights out.

He felt Robert shrug under him, before sighing. “Like any prison I suppose. Dull. Terrifying. Mind numbing. Soul rotting. Boring. Prison.”

“Did you get on alright?” Aaron asked. “I mean...”

“Most of the time,” Robert said, “Had a few run ins, but kept my head down. Best behaviour once I knew there was a chance of early release. That was after I’d been there a while though. Six months in and I met this bloke. He’d been there eighteen years and they turned his parole down. I thought...what if I get to fourteen years and I still don’t get out? What if life turns out to be life? I thought...I thought it’d be better if I went to sleep never woke up again.”

“Rob,” Aaron said, shifting up to look down at Robert who was lit ghostly pale by the moonlight filtering into their room, his eyes shining bright and pale.

“It’s okay,” Robert said. “I wasn’t going to do anything. Didn’t have the guts. I just wished it.”

Aaron tucked his face into the crook of Robert’s neck, holding him close, feeling terror shake his heart at the idea of someone calling to tell him that Robert had...he was..._no_. He shook his head, before pressing his lips to Robert’s cheek. Robert’s arms snaked around his back, keeping him close.

“Hey,” Robert whispered. “It’s okay. I came home.”

“I love you,” Aaron blurted breathlessly, having held those works back long enough, if twenty-fours could be called long.

Robert let out a long sigh, his body relaxing under Aaron’s. “Still?”

Aaron shook his head. “Always.”


	6. Chapter 6

Robert was getting a welcome back party whether he wanted one or not. It was Aaron’s mum’s idea. Aaron nodded along, listening to Chas talking about it, before asking her, “And this is for _Robert_? _Sugden_. Sorry, but when did you become his biggest fan?”

“Don’t be like that,” she said. “Can’t we all just be happy for once?”

Aaron shrugged, offering her an amused smile. He didn’t tell her that _happy_ was quite a stretch for what he and Robert were. They were more like… confused. In limbo. Not all the time. At night, when they lay in bed together, wrapped up in each other, that was okay. That _definitely_ made them feel happy. But there was a life outside that safe cocoon which was harder.

Aaron had come down the stairs one day to Robert been sat on the sofa staring off into space. Aaron followed his gaze and it was on that spot, where their wedding photograph used to be. He seemed so still, frozen in time. It was unnerving to see him so detached from the world around him.

“Rob?” Aaron had called softly. Robert hadn’t so much flinched as reawakened, taking a deep breath before turning his head to look at Aaron. Then he’d smiled, as if nothing was wrong. Aaron asked him, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he said with a nod. “Was just thinking.”

“About what?”

He had looked at the mantelpiece and said, “Nothing in particular.”

He’d gotten up and offered no further explanation, walking towards Aaron to give him a kiss on the cheek and ask him what he wanted for dinner. Aaron watched him carefully after that, but Robert carried on as if he hadn’t a care in the world. In fact, at the welcome back do, Robert seemed his old self again: all smiles, confident, brash. Golden.

Aaron hung back watching as his mum hugged Robert, and then Paddy too. Vic sat beaming near her brother, Harry close by, eyeing everything with quiet and clever Sugden eyes. Aaron smiled when Jimmy gave Robert a hearty hug, Nicola at his side providing her brand of barbed welcome. Jimmy and Robert carried on for a good few minutes, as if they’d simply picked up an old conversation.

Aaron frowned at them, smiling a little, until Cain came along and shook Robert’s hand. Both men gave each other an intense look, nodding. Next to Aaron, Eve said, “Why is Uncle Cain looking at Robert like that? Is it true he locked you in a boot once?”

“Why don’t you go ask him?” Aaron said, picking up his pint. The trick with Eve was to answer her questions with questions.

“Guess what Kyle told me,” Eve said. “You will not _believe_.”

“Nope,” Aaron answered.

Eve was quiet for a moment, watching him closely. Then she brought out, “Harry says his _biological _dad wasn’t a very nice man. Is that true? Did you know him?”

Aaron looked at her, floored. “What? Why’d he say that?”

“Auntie Vic told him. Is it true?” Eve said simply. Aaron nodded. “I told him it’s okay. Doesn’t mean Harry has to be bad, does it? _I_ read that boys are always like their mums, and girls are like their dads.”

Aaron smiled at her. “Read it or made it up?”

“Read it _actually_,” Eve said, giving Aaron her ‘take that’ look. He couldn’t help but grin. “Also, Harry is just like our Vic.”

Eve held up her hand and proceeded to make it into a chattering mouth. Aaron laughed and grabbed her hand. “Oi. Stop it. That’s Robert’s sister you’re talking about.”

“I like Robert,” Eve said like some out of control eighty-year-old. “He’s tall. That’s _so_ useful.”

Aaron laughed so hard it made him choke, Eve helping him by patting his back with her too small and useless hand. When he looked up, Robert was standing there beaming at him, as if he’d found something wonderful. Aaron smiled, asking, “What?”

Robert shook his head. “Nice seeing you laugh. That’s all.”

“Awwww. That is _so_ sweet,” Eve said, clasping her hands to her chest in an overly dramatic manner. “Robert, would you like to know something Kyle told me?”

Robert grinned at her and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I would.”

Whilst Robert and Eve had an in depth conversation about Kyle apparently, Aaron went to the bar for refills. He glanced back to see the way Eve was chattering on and Robert was watching her with a soft look in his eyes, a huge smile on his face. Aaron didn’t have to think too hard about where Robert’s mind was at. Aaron had often looked at Eve himself and thought about the daughter he and Robert might have had if life hadn’t dealt them the wrong kind of spade.

“You okay love?” Aaron looked back to see his mum pushing a tray of drinks towards him.

Aaron nodded. “Yeah. I’m alright. Oh, um, by the way, Seb called last night. Had a video chat with Robert.”

His mum’s expression softened, eyes going warm. “Oh, love. I’m pleased to hear it. We gonna be seeing him anytime soon?”

“He says he wants to visit in summer,” Aaron said. “Rebecca’s not keen, but I told her she can tell Seb who’s getting in the way of him seeing us.”

“Well, I’m sure she’ll do what’s best for Seb,” Chas said. “She’s his mum after all, and she loves him.”

“What? Unlike me and Robert?” Aaron asked her with an amused smile.

“You know that’s not what I meant.” She gave him a soft look, somewhat sad, somewhat doting. “It’s like you, isn’t it? Doesn’t matter how old you are. You’ll always be my little boy and I’ll always want to see you happy.”

Aaron nodded, saying nothing about all the times attempts at his happiness had resulted in the opposite. An arm appeared around him just then, as if Robert just magically knew when Aaron wanted him nearby.

“Need a hand with those?” Robert said, other hand already reaching for the tray.

Chas grabbed his hand, squeezed it firmly, looking up at him with mixed emotions written across her face. “You look after him. Final chance, Robert Sugden. Do _not_ mess this up. Or you’ll have me to deal with.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, shaking his head and opening his mouth to tell Chas to stop. But Robert had turned his hand to take Chas’s in his palm. He told her, “I won’t let him down. I _promise_.”

“I’ll hold you to that. And let him look after you too. It goes both ways,” Chas said with a wobbly smile. “Go on. Take your drinks. Stop cluttering up my bar.”

They went back to their table and the evening was spent drinking and catching up and everyone acting like they’d missed Robert every second he hadn’t been around. Aaron tried not to think back to how it seemed people had just gone on with their lives, Robert’s loss a minor inconvenience if at all.

They both slipped out of the party early at Aaron’s insistence, going off for a walk. They walked along, Aaron glancing at their joined hands every now and then, allowing himself the pleasure of a small smile.

“Did Vic tell ya?” Aaron said. “She spoke to Harry about Lee.”

Robert nodded. “Yeah, she said she had a little chat, nothing in-depth. He’s been asking questions. I’ll just have to deal with my part in all this when he comes to me for answers I suppose.”

Aaron squeezed his hand. “You won’t have to do it alone.”

Robert came to a stop, pulling Aaron to face him. “Why are you doing this? Why are you giving me another chance? I thought I’d have to beg ya to take me back after-”

“Cutting me out? Breaking my heart? Throwing me away like I meant nothing?” Aaron asked calmly, nodding at Robert.

Robert cupped his cheek. “You think it didn’t break my heart? I may as well have cut my own heart out, that’s how much it hurt. I just...I thought you’d be angrier.”

“I spent eleven years being angry,” Aaron said quietly. “Now I just want to be happy. With you.”

Robert stared at him, nodding. “I meant what I said. I won’t let you down.”

Aaron reached up to curl his hand around Robert’s wrist, nodding. “Same.”

Robert moved to hug him and they both stood there swaying together in the dark for a bit. Happy, Aaron thought, this felt like happy.

*****

It was a Saturday night when Robert finally caught up with someone who hadn’t made it to the pub party. Aaron and Robert were lounging on the sofa, Robert scowling at his tablet, swiping through something that looked important, Aaron stealing glances at Robert, wondering how this was his reality now after it having been a dream for so many years,

They heard the front door open, looking up at the same time. Robert frowned at Aaron. “We expecting anyone?”

Aaron made a face, shaking his head. They watched the door opened. Liv walked through, stopping at the sight of Robert and just staring at him. Aaron glanced at Robert and saw his smile spread wide across his face, lighting up his face all the way to his eyes. He put his tablet aside and stood up, grinning at her. Liv just kept on staring, her eyes shining like marbles.

“Well? Do I get a hug then?” Robert asked her quietly.

They moved at the same time, meeting each other half-way, Robert wrapping his arms around her and engulfing her smaller frame. She still sounded like a kid when she cried, but at least these were happy tears.

Aaron faded into the background for a bit, making tea, busying himself in the kitchen, sneaking glances at Robert and Liv. It was strange. They weren’t related by blood, but there they sat with matching smiles, as if Robert was her real brother and not Aaron. Liv said something that made Robert cackle, an honest to god cackle that had a ridiculous sound, but was pure and real, and so _Robert._

“Why didn’t you say you were coming?” Aaron asked her later when Robert popped out for a bottle of wine.

“He’s not the only one who can spring surprises on people,” Liv said. Aaron grinned at her and in return she beamed at him. “Nice seeing you happy.”

Aaron nodded. “Yeah? Nice being happy.”

“What about Rob?” Liv asked. “How’s he doing? Must be weird being back.”

“You wouldn’t think it to look at him,” Aaron said with a shrug. “But he’s always been good at hiding things.”

“Does it look like he’s having problems adjusting?” Liv asked.

“No. You’d think he’d never been away.” Liv looked away, biting at her lip, holding something back. “What?”

She frowned at him. “Aaron, you’re not exactly being honest with yourself either, are ya? Look at you both. You just picked up where you left off. Are you not even going to tell him what a mess you were without him? He thinks you just magically coped when you were all over the place.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t matter, does it?” Aaron said. “I moved on, Liv, remember? Got over myself, like everyone told me to. I’ve got him back now, that’s all that matters. Moving _on._”

Liv gave him a humouring nod. “Right. You don’t sound angry about anything at all. _Clearly _nothing to worry about here.”

Aaron sat back, glaring at her. She sat back, arms folded across her chest. Robert returned with his bottle of wine, smile fading as he saw them both with twin expressions of mardiness. “Okay. What did I miss?”

They’d gotten away with it, Liv and Aaron putting down their grumpiness to a sibling tiff over nothing. But Robert wasn’t stupid. That night he shifted close to Aaron in bed, wrapping an arm around him, and told him, “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine.”

“Are ya?” Aaron whispered, moving his head back a little, just so he could feel Robert’s cheek against his.

Robert sighed, his arms tightening around Aaron. “Every day when I wake up here, with you, the last eleven years fade a little more. One day, I won’t even think about it anymore.”

Aaron grabbed Robert’s hand, pulling his arm tighter. _I can’t lose you again_, the words sat on the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill. “Robert. You can talk to me...you know?”

Aaron felt Robert’s chest and stomach rise and dip with a deep breath. “I know.”

*****

Robert was okay. Except when he wasn’t. One morning Aaron spotted him through the open door of the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror like he didn’t know his own face. It felt like an eternity. He wouldn’t have noticed if Aaron had walked in and touched him. He just stood there in a trance. That was the opposite of the definition of okay. Aaron inched out of their bedroom, back out onto the landing.

“Rob? You done in there?” he called, hoping his voice didn’t sound as shaky as he felt. He followed through by walking into the bedroom, stopping on the threshold of the en suite. “You been up here for ages.”

Robert turned to look at him with a wide smile, towel in hand as he wiped at his freshly shaved face. “Just trying to make an effort.”

“Right,” Aaron said, thrown completely by the return of Robert, and the absence of the imposter he’d seen before. “Um, breakfast’s done.”

Robert walked into the bedroom, still smiling as he kissed Aaron’s cheek. “Thanks.”

Aaron was okay too. Except when he wasn’t. They were supposed to meet up. Aaron had an appointment with a scrap contact and went straight from the meeting to the cafe to see Robert having a laugh with Jimmy. They were sat in the corner, Robert listening to some story Jimmy was spinning and it was like...like _nothing_ had happened. It was like Robert hadn’t been banged up for eleven years. Like Aaron hadn’t turned himself inside out waiting for Robert, crying for him, feeling like he was dying without him. Everything was just..._normal_.

Robert didn’t notice him standing there watching, so he left. He went back to the Mill, paced around until he couldn’t help but grab a cup from the counter and smash it on the floor. He looked away from the scattered pieces and stood there with his hands gripping the edge of the counter, trying to get his breathing back under control, to stop the tremors contorting his face. Ten minutes he stood there, eyes closed, breathing in and out, until his limbs stopped shaking. Then he cleaned up the debris of the broken cup before tiredly sitting down on the sofa.

Robert turned up about half an hour later, catching Aaron asleep. Aaron sat up from having been partially lying down, feet on the floor, feeling a little stupid and guilty. Robert had a careful look about him. He knew something was up. Aaron watched him take his blazer off and drape it over the back of the armchair, before moving a little closer to the sofa, tilting his head at Aaron slightly.

“Been texting you. And calling you,” he said quietly. “Got worried when you didn’t answer. Is everything okay?”

Aaron frowned, not quite able to look at him. “Sorry. I...um, had a headache.”

Robert sat down on the edge of the coffee table, giving Aaron a worried look. “Feeling better?”

“A bit yeah,” Aaron said. “I think I just need to sleep it off.”

“Okay,” Robert said with a nod. “How about you go upstairs and I’ll wake you in an hour or so?”

“Thanks, yeah. That sounds good,” Aaron said. He swallowed, biting at his lip, guilt gnawing at his insides now. “Sorry I didn’t-”

Robert took his hand. “Aaron. It’s okay. I had to wait a bit. Big deal. As long as you’re okay.”

Aaron stared at him, wondering if Robert even had an idea of the words coming out of his stupid mouth. Aaron got up, pulling his hand away from Robert’s touch. “Right...I’m gonna lie down.”

He was half way up the stairs when Robert called after him and said, “Aaron. You sure everything’s okay?”

Aaron looked back at him, nodding. “Yeah, why?”

Robert looked down at his hand, fingers uncurling to reveal a small white chipped piece of ceramic. He held it between his finger and thumb, shaking his head and looking up at Aaron. “No reason.”

Aaron nodded and left him there, wondering how someone could be so smart and so stupid at the same time.

*****

Happiness, though, was climbing into his bed at night and finding Robert there, where he belonged on his side of the bed. Happiness was sliding in close to him, entangling their limbs together. Happiness was the rude awakening caused by a kick to the shin. Happiness was being woken up because Robert had moved closer, slipped his arms around Aaron to pull him nearer. Happiness was being able to touch Robert, to kiss him, to taste him, mark him. Happiness was them moving together in perfect synchronisation, panting into each others mouths, gripping each other tight, mumbling muttering nonsense at each other which all meant one simple thing: _I love you_

*****

There were good days and bad days.

Good days had some form of normality. They woke up. They had breakfast. They went to work together, now that Robert back full-time in the haulage game again, they went to lunch together, they went home together, and anything else they could do together, they did it. Together.

Bad days were all about their twisted reality. They took turns to have their nightmares. One night it was Aaron, waking up angry and distraught, moving to sleep in the other room. Another night it was Robert, quiet and dazed, moving to spend the rest of the night on the sofa, falling asleep where he sat watching the TV. If it wasn’t Robert locking himself away inside work, inside his head, it was Aaron clamming up angrily over unspoken things.

But for the most part, they were just getting on with things. Or at least that was what he thought until Lydia caught him on the way into the Woolpack. In her quiet kind fashion, she stopped him with a smile, touching his arm. “Is your Robert alright?”

“Yeah. Why?” Aaron asked, heart already tripping nervously.

“Well, I was just on the phone to Sam, and he said he saw Robert. Looked like he was headed up Wylie’s way. Said he called out to him, but he didn’t seem to notice.”

Aaron stared at her for a second before sprinting towards the Mill, where he jumped into his car and then drove as fast as he could get away with. Wylie’s hadn’t changed much, still derelict and boarded up. After all, who would want to buy a place a woman died of a broken neck?

Aaron stopped the car out front with a loud screech before darting into the house. He came to a dead stop when he saw Robert standing on the edge of the hole created when the floor gave way under Katie. The room looked like there was some fresh damage too, broken wood from recently vented anger.

“Rob,” he said quietly, inching into the room, “what you doing here?”

Robert, looking like a shadow surrounded by dust motes, was quiet for far too long, as if he hadn’t even heard Aaron. When he spoke, Aaron could barely hear him. “Been thinking about this place a lot. Especially when I was inside.”

“Okay,” Aaron said, making slow and quiet progress into the room, watching the way the tips of Robert’s boots were above air and not floorboard. He was right on the edge, staring straight down into the room where Katie had fallen and died.

Robert turned his head to look at Aaron, sudden and uncaring of how it left him vulnerable on the edge of the hole, his back half-turned away. Aaron stilled, petrified of Robert falling backwards.

“I’ve thought about it over and over,” he said with a frown. “What I did to her.”

He looked back down through the gaping hole in the floor, turning too quick again. Aaron could hear the trickle of bits coming loose and falling into the room below. He could barely breathe. “Robert. Come away from the edge. It’s not...not safe.”

Robert let out an air-filled sob, no substance, just a shudder of grief as he looked down. Aaron thought he saw light bounce off a falling tear. Aaron welled up, feeling as if Robert was slipping away from him again.

“Robert, you’re scaring me,” he said quietly. “Just. Come away from there, okay?”

“I never meant for it to happen.” Robert took a shaky breath, looking back at Aaron with pinked eyes and wet face. “Do you believe me?”

“I believe ya,” Aaron said thickly. “_Please_, Robert.”

Robert grimaced, looking back at the destroyed floor. Aaron heard a crack, the sound of dust and stone. He darted forward and grabbed Robert, pulling him all the way back to the door. Aaron stood there staring at the slightly widened hole in the floor, holding Robert tight, Robert looking at the same spot.

Aaron took brought Robert home, the drive back silent and tense. He poured one brandy for Robert, and one for himself. They sat in silence at the kitchen table, seated opposite each other. Aaron finally asked, “Are you suicidal?”

Robert closed his eyes, shaking his head, forehead weighed under by an embarrassed looking frown. “No.”

“Then why did it look like you were trying to kill yourself?” Aaron asked, his tone losing its edge by the end of the question.

Robert looked at him. “I wasn’t. I don’t know why I went up there. I wasn’t thinking about going there, but I was out walking, and the next thing I knew I was in front of Wylie’s, thinking about her. About what I did.”

“It was an accident,” Aaron said.

“Yeah. One I caused,” he said slowly. He sat back with a sigh, frowning. “I thought I could do time if I told myself it was a way to pay back for what I did to her. I thought I could make peace with myself. Turns out peace is a little more complicated than that.”

“You don’t get to take a life and feel peaceful, Rob,” Aaron said quietly. “It doesn’t work that way. Jackson asked me to help him die. Makes no difference that I did it because he wanted it. _I_ did it. I ended his life. I wish hadn’t. I wish I’d been strong enough to say no. But I can’t go back. All I can do is go forward, with or without peace. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to fight for every scrap of happiness I can get anyway.”

“What if I don’t deserve any of those scraps?” Robert asked, gaze subdued and turned inwards.

“There’s a lot of things we didn’t deserve. Happened anyway, didn’t they?” Aaron said with a shrug. He downed the rest of his brandy and smacked the glass on the table before getting up and nodding to Robert. “Besides. _I_ say we deserve to be happy.”

He walked to the other side of the table and bent down to kiss Robert, soft and tender, his fingers combing through Robert’s hair, sliding down the back of his head. When he pulled away, Robert was staring at him, his mouth twitching into a small smile.

Aaron angled his head towards the stairs. “Why don’t you have a little think about who deserves what? In the meantime, I’ll be upstairs waiting.”

Aaron started to walk off and managed about two steps before he was stopped by a firm grip on his wrist. Robert was up on his feet, looking at Aaron with that focused gaze that was meant for Aaron alone. Speaking softly, he said, “Like I’d ever keep you waiting.”

Aaron could have joked Robert had kept him waiting eleven years, but the truth of it was, it was Aaron who had realised he would wait for Robert as long as it took.


	7. Chapter 7

Harry and Robert were propping up the bar, waiting to be served, Aaron frowning in their direction from where he sat. They both looked like each other in both a very strangely similar and dissimilar way. The thing about Harry was, he looked like Lee, but only if you really looked hard enough. However, he looked like a Sugden without even trying. Aaron could easily imagine Robert looking a little like Harry at the same age with that same little know-it-all smirk. And the lad definitely had his grandfather’s nose.

Both uncle and nephew were having an intense conversation, Harry explaining, Robert nodding and listening. Aaron scowled. “What are they even chatting about?”

Next to Aaron, Vic was also watching them, arms folded across chest, just like Aaron’s. She replied, “No idea.”

Robert laughed and grinned. Aaron snorted. “Look at him. Like he has any idea.”

“He might do,” Vic said with a shrug.

Aaron scowled at her. “Do you?”

Vic looked a little sulky. “Half the time? No. When did we get so old?”

“Half the time I have no idea what Eve’s on about,” Aaron said with a sigh.

“That’s so depressing,” Vic said, before turning to grin at Aaron. “You’ll never guess what Harry said the other day.”

“What?” Aaron smiled as he eyed the way Harry was mimicking Robert’s lean against the bar.

“He said, ‘What did you make Robert my middle name for? Should have been my _actual_ name,’” Vic said, not realising at all that her impression of a stroppy teenager was an impression of herself from when _she_ had been a stroppy teenager. She started to laugh. “Can you believe it?”

Aaron was grinning. “Brilliant. Don’t tell Robert though, got a big enough head as it is.”

Vic looked at Robert, smiling brightly at the sight of him. “How’s he doing? I was on the phone to Diane about him and she said something like ‘oh you know Robert, he’s good at bouncing back from disaster’.”

Aaron pulled a face at that. “Charming.”

“Thing is,” Vic carried on, “I _do_ know Robert. Everything could be falling apart and he’d just pretend it’s all fine, you never actually see the bounce. You’d not think he’s been in prison for eleven years looking at him.”

Aaron glanced at Robert. Same old grin, coiffed mop of hair, immaculately dressed. You’d think he’d been sunning it up in the Riviera and not standing over a broken floor thinking about a dead woman only weeks ago. But this was peak Robert, wasn’t it? Every day, he was burying the last eleven years a little more. Aaron bottled things up, until they exploded. Robert though, he was far too smart. He buried them like corpses, and then let their ghosts drive him to destruction.

“That’s just Robert, innit?” Aaron said quietly. “Makes everything look so easy.”

“Doesn’t it drive you mad?” Vic asked.

Aaron looked at Robert. It drove him crazy as it happened.

*****

“Did you know there’s people up at Home Farm? Or whatever they're calling it these days,” Jimmy said, walking into the portacabin, coffee in one hand, doughnut in the other.

He went and plonked himself down at his desk, having taken Robert’s attention from Aaron. Robert was still perched on the corner of Aaron’s desk, where he’d been leaning over Aaron for ten minutes trying to coax him away from work for an afternoon off, a drive, a drink, an adult version of bunking. Now though, his body was still turned towards Aaron, but his attention elsewhere.

“Yeah well, that place’s got a revolving door, innit?” Aaron said. “It’s had two owners in the last ten years. Bound to be a third.”

“I’m sure they’ll be as delightful as the last lot, and the lot before that,” Jimmy said, settling in with a groan. Robert said nothing, turning away from Jimmy, but his mind was preoccupied, his eyes fixed on something beyond the windows.

Aaron reached for his knee, giving it a squeeze. He had Robert’s attention again, receiving a warm smile, Robert’s hand landing on top of his. Aaron smiled back, “Alright?”

“Yeah,” Robert said with a _why wouldn't I be_? frown and shrug. He squeezed Aaron’s hand and let go to get up, his earlier cajoling of Aaron forgotten. Aaron watched him coolly as he turned to glance at Jimmy again. Something seemed to distract him momentarily, his eyes flickering in thought. He looked back at Aaron and said, “Come on, don’t make me beg here. Let’s go for a drive.”

Aaron smiled at him. It was silly, feeling like Home Farm was the other woman and Robert had picked him over her, but it felt that way for a moment. Life was always going to be about messed up minor victories, wasn’t it? Didn’t matter. Aaron would always take what he could get when it came to Robert.

He jumped to his feet. “Come on then.”

“Yeah?” Robert said with a grin. “What about all the work you said you have to do?”

Aaron took off his high-vis jacket and started to pull on his outdoor jacket, shrugging. “Can catch up later. Rather spend time with you anyway.”

Robert grabbed him by his arm, a soft look on his face, small smile playing on his lips. Aaron smiled back, leaning in for a kiss. Somewhere beyond them, Jimmy belched and let out an apologetic groan, speeding up their decision to leave.

They didn’t get very far. The drive came to an end at the Mill, where they went straight up the stairs and into their bedroom, a strange flavour to their lovemaking, something familiar from an age ago, hurried and mischievous, Home Farm and Wylie’s gone from their minds, their lips plastering smiles and kisses into each others skin.

Afterwards, Aaron lay with his head cushioned on Robert’s arm. Robert had his other arm tucked under his head, his elbow sticking out like a bony wing. The arm being used as a pillow extended around Aaron’s shoulder so he could comfortably muck about with Aaron’s fingers. They were both peering at the same scratch on Aaron’s finger, a thin angry red line that Robert rubbed with his thumb, as if trying to erase it.

Everything felt so calm. The village could have been burning down outside and they wouldn’t know. Without thinking, Aaron quietly muttered, “I wish…”

He stopped, voice fading. Robert inched his head away a little to better peer at Aaron, his hand curling around Aaron’s fingers. “What? What do you wish?”

Aaron looked at Robert, into the saltwater warmth of his eyes. “I wish it was like this all the time.”

“What? No work? No going out? Hanging with our friends and family? Just lying here all day long?” Robert asked with a smile. Aaron nodded slowly. Robert nodded along. “I can definitely see the appeal. I doubt anyone would even notice we were missing. Well...they’d notice you. Your mum would be banging on the door after five minutes.”

Aaron frowned. “Is that what you thought in prison? That nobody noticed you were gone.”

Robert frowned back, before laughing off the question with a soft huff. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Did you though?” Aaron asked quietly, feeling a thin crack forming in his heart. “Feel that way?”

Robert’s jaw clenched, eyes evading Aaron. When their gazes met again, his looked cool. He swallowed something down, the truth maybe. He told Aaron, “I know who missed me.”

Aaron wanted to question that answer, but Robert followed it up with rolling Aaron towards himself and kissing him deep and slow. There was something old in this kiss, older than eleven years. Something syrupy and dark from when they shouldn’t have had anything to do with each other. Something that always said _you belong to me_.

*****

They continued on with their new normality and their new reality.

Normality was laughing and joking in the portacabin, with Jimmy providing the soundtrack to his life with Nicola, and the woes of his digestive system. It was life at the Mill, it was drinks at the pub, it was friends and family, it was Robert and Aaron.

Reality was that faraway look in Robert’s eyes when he thought no one was looking. It was the flaring up of anger in Aaron’s chest that he and Robert had to spend eleven years apart when even being apart for a second felt unacceptable.

Normality was meeting Robert in the pub for a pint, both of them sitting side by side, laughing at something unfunny. Reality was Vic turning up and telling Robert that now he was back, maybe Aaron could stop running off to France every time he had a strop, and dredging to the surface the pain of separation that Aaron desperately wanted to forget.

Robert frowned, smiling at both Vic and Aaron. “Sorry, what’s this about France?”

“Oh yeah, Monsieur Dingle can’t get enough of the place,” Vic said with a grin.

Robert was staring at Aaron, smile a little off. When Vic had left he said, “So...France, eh? Business? Pleasure?”

“Bit of both,” Aaron said with a nod. “Did some trips for Jimmy. Some scrap stuff. A few getaways. I had some free time on my hands, in case you’d forgotten.”

Robert laughed and shook his head. “Why you getting so defensive?”

“I’m not,” Aaron said tightly. “Why are you acting like I’ve been playing away behind your back or summat?”

Robert’s eyes flickered with surprise. “That’s not what I was saying. Not even close. Like I’d even expect you to just be waiting for me like some monk-”

Aaron got up quickly, his chair scraping hard against the floor. “You don’t need to tell me what you expect, Robert. Getting divorce papers _two_ days after I saw you in prison pretty much summed up what you _expect_ from me.”

Aaron picked up his jacket as Robert stared at him. “Where are you going?”

“Away from you,” Aaron said calmly, walking out without another look in Robert’s direction.

Aaron went as far as his car before driving it out of the village to sulk in a lay-by. Their lay-by. For eleven years, whenever Aaron passed by this spot, it was with a deep ache in his chest. Robert had ruined this place like he had ruined all the places he and Aaron made theirs. The way he had ruined Aaron. _What a martyr_, Aaron thought, saying he didn’t expect Aaron to live the life of a monk. As if the touch of another man hadn't felt worse than Aaron taking a blade to his own skin. As if anyone could have taken away Aaron's craving for Robert.

_Idiot_, Aaron thought.

*****

Aaron stepped into the Mill just after five. Something was cooking, the aroma of food hitting him as soon as he walked in. Robert was in the kitchen, the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up, blue apron folded down over his jeans, his frown-heavy gaze directed at the label on the back of a bottle of red wine. Aaron stopped near the foot of the stairs, loitering and watching.

Robert looked up at him with an unreadable expression, tentatively asking, “Hi...okay?”

Aaron nodded at him. “Yeah.”

“Listen,” Robert said, putting the bottle of wine on the counter and moving towards Aaron. “About earlier-”

“I’m sorry I flew off the handle,” Aaron said, quickly cutting Robert off. Robert _expected_ him to be angry, distant. _Expected_ him to lash out. It’s what everyone always _expected_, wasn’t it? Well, Aaron had moved on from giving people the satisfaction of getting what they expected. “I was being an idiot.”

Robert frowned. “Aaron...what I said before-”

“Robert. It doesn’t matter,” Aaron told him, mustering a smile. “It’s okay. I get it. I get where you were coming from.”

“What you said about the divorce papers-”

“It doesn’t matter." Aaron shook his head, ignoring troublesome memories from those terrible months when Robert's absence was a fresh gaping wound. “That was then. This is now. I don’t want to dwell on the past. In fact, I _wanted_ to ask you about France but never got around to it. There’s a place I went to a few times, just to get my head together. I always hoped we could go there when you got back. Maybe it’s something you can talk to your parole officer about. We could go for a weekend or something, if he okays it.”

Robert smiled at him, soft from mouth to eyes. Nodding, he said, “Yeah. Okay. I’d like that.”

Aaron took a deep breath, smiling and nodding. “Good. What’s for tea then?”

*****

He was in France.

Only...was he?

The outside was France, the inside was somewhere else. Aaron frowned at the window, seeing the sun setting on the French coast. When he turned back around though, he was at Wylie’s, sneaking around the empty rooms. The floorboards creaked where they shouldn’t have, where no one was stepping on them. He turned in a circle, finding nothing but oppressive emptiness, dust rising like mist.

“Aaron. Please.”

Aaron spun around to see Jackson standing there on the edge of the gaping hole in the floor.

“Jackson,” Aaron said, reaching for him, trying to go to him, but his feet were unable to move, his legs locked in place. “You have to get away from there.”

“Please,” Jackson spluttered, a mess of tears and spit. “_Please_.”

_No_, Aaron thought, _I can’t_. He was crying, shaking his head. He couldn’t do what Jackson was asking. He couldn’t. Jackson shook his head, looking disgusted. Or was it Katie shaking her head? Aaron frowned, blinked. A phone started to ring. He could see the screen, up close, in his mind

_Wylie’s farm now_

Aaron looked away, closing his eyes against the words that remained burned into the backs of his eyes.

“Aaron!” Jackson called out.

Aaron looked up in time to see him fall. One second he was there and the next he was gone. Aaron ran, the world tipping around him as he stopped at the edge of broken flooring that looked like a mouth of laughing and jagged wooden teeth. He looked down and though he screamed at the top of his lungs, there was no sound. Robert lay there with dead unseeing eyes, his neck at an unnatural angle. There was red spreading across the front of his coat, blooming like a bloody flower.

“Aaron? _Aaron_, you’re dreaming. Come on, wake up.” Aaron frowned at the strained calm in Robert’s voice before catching onto the word dreaming. “Aaron? You awake?”

Aaron nodded in answer, noticing finally that Robert’s hand was spread heavy on his chest, the fingers of his other hand soothingly curling against his scalp.

“Just take a deep breath,” Robert said quietly. “It’s okay.”

Aaron’s face was wet with tears, even though the terror and distress had been left behind in his nightmare. He felt stupid, brushing away the dampness with the back of his hand. Shakily, he asked. “What time is it?”

“Three,” Robert said. After a pause, he asked, “What was that? Looked bad.”

Aaron shook his head, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Robert nodded. “Okay. Tell you what. I’ll go down, put the kettle on. We’ll watch a movie.”

Robert moved his hands away from Aaron and shifted to leave. Aaron sat up quick, grabbing his arm. “Robert.”

Robert stilled, placing his hand over Aaron’s, just waiting silently, the way he used to back when they got together properly for the first time after Gordon. Robert had just somehow learned to be there without suffocating Aaron.

“Don’t go,” Aaron whispered, the words sticking in his throat.

“Come here. I’m not going anywhere, okay?” Robert said, reading Aaron just right and pulling him into a tight hug. His voice was quiet in Aaron’s ear. “Aaron...you know you can talk to me.”

Aaron closed his eyes and nodded, before resting his head against Robert’s shoulder for a while. People always said it was good to talk, but did they really want to listen? Did they really want the shadow of someone’s misery blocking their light?

Aaron pulled back with a wet sniff, squeezing Robert’s arm. “Brew would be nice. I’ll come down in a bit.”

Robert nodded, the details of his expression lost in the dark. All Aaron could pick up on was the intensity of his gaze trying to read Aaron.

“Okay,” Robert said, pressing a kiss to Aaron’s forehead and leaving.

Aaron sat there watching the door. There was a watery feeling in his chest, heavy waves trying to climb up into his throat, lapping against the backs of his eyes. He covered his face with both hands, shuddering hard. _Don’t_, he told himself, _keep it together_. Robert was here. He was home, he was free, or as free as he could be under his circumstances, and he was alive. He wasn’t lying broken on the floor at Wylie’s. He wasn’t somewhere Aaron couldn’t see him, hold him, touch him.

Aaron got out of bed, throwing on the black top that lay discarded nearby and the grey trackies and socks, leaving the gloom of their room which was a sanctuary only when Robert was there with him. Without him it was just another empty space that had pulled and prodded at Aaron for years.

Downstairs, Robert was standing by the counter, eyes on the kettle, gaze somewhere further. He was a bright spot in the dimness in his white T-shirt and grey tracksuit bottoms, his hair catching the soft light and glowing almost like a halo. Robert Sugden with a halo - Aaron’s mum would laugh.

Robert didn’t seem to notice the water bubbling or the steam escaping the kettle, lost in his own thoughts. Aaron went to the kettle, switching it off, finally snapping Robert out of his daze. He frowned at the kettle and then at Aaron, telling him with a sigh, “Miles away.”

Aaron watched in silence, in comfort, as Robert poured the water into cups, walked back and forth across the kitchen for milk, for spoons, cleaning up, wiping down the counter, his every touch of every surface reaffirming this place was once again a home. He reached for a cup of tea, the mug Aaron knew was for him.

“Don’t go back to Wylie’s,” Aaron implored quietly, just a little ashamed of how weak he sounded. Robert’s hand drifted away from the cup and he frowned at Aaron, opening his mouth with a questioning look in his eyes. Aaron cut him off. “Robert. Please.”

Robert was quiet for a moment, his forehead wrinkling with thought. But he gave an assenting nod. “I won’t.”

Aaron frowned. Turning over that easy answer he asked, “That it?”

“Yeah.” Robert moved closer to loosely take a hold of Aaron’s wrist. “If it means you get a good night’s sleep.”

Aaron scowled, looking away, embarrassed. No matter how strong he tried to be, he could never quite match Robert, could he? He always fell down on some aspect.

Robert had moved into his space, taking his other hand, quietly telling him, “Aaron, I only went there because...that place has been in my head and...I wanted it _gone_. I thought if I went there I could...I could make peace with myself. With Katie. But maybe...that’s just not something I deserve. After everything I’ve done.”

Aaron nodded, smiling bitterly. “Maybe you can try another eleven years inside. Maybe that’ll make you feel better.”

“I get why you’re angry-”

“You really don’t,” Aaron said, ignoring the guilty look on Robert’s face.

“Then tell me,” Robert said, stepping closer, his hands moving to Aaron’s shoulders. “_Tell_ me.”

Aaron sighed, closing his eyes as if that might shut off the noise in his head. After a moment, he looked up at Robert, “I just want to get on with our lives. Without worrying you’re going to do something stupid.”

“To be fair, that sounds exactly like us,” Robert said with a small amused smile. Aaron should have wanted to smack it off his face, but he begrudgingly ended up smiling anyway. Robert gave him one of those looks where it seemed he peering all the way under Aaron’s worries and fears, getting right to the susceptible core of him. “We’re going to be okay, you know? Me and you.”

Aaron nodded, letting Robert pull him into a tight embrace, filling him with that familiar feeling of calm that only Robert managed to evoke in him, making him believe that everything could be okay, was possible, could be fixed. Aaron curled his fingers against Robert’s back, silently promising Robert his happy ever after, promising himself the same.


	8. Chapter 8

Something was up.

Aaron didn’t know what, he was just vaguely aware of _something_. Robert was on the phone a lot, having quiet conversations, nipping away for moments of privacy. His moments of drifting off into his own head had been replaced by a spring in his step. He was _perky_. Probably scheming. Life on the straight and narrow didn’t last long at all, did it? He’d been out mere months and already he was up to something. Looked like getting banged up for eleven years wasn’t that much of a deterrent.

“Cheer up. Might never happen,” Robert said, a stupid smile on his face. Aaron looked up from his magazine and just stared at him. _Might never happen?_ He really wanted to ask what was exactly was _left_ to possibly not happen to them. Robert frowned at him. “What?”

“I should be asking you,” Aaron said, eyes back on the pages of his magazine. “Running around like a wind-up toy with new batteries. What are you so happy about?”

Robert landed next to Aaron on the sofa, leaning in almost obnoxiously into Aaron’s space. “Shouldn’t I be happy? I’m here, in my home, with you. What could be better than that?”

Aaron turned his head to frown at Robert. There was a world of warmth in Robert’s eyes, the way he was looking at Aaron. No one had ever looked at him in that way, with such open adoration. Only Robert. It made Aaron feel guilty for his knee-jerk suspicion.

“It’s okay,” Robert said with a small amused smile, his gaze momentarily dipping to Aaron’s mouth and back up again. “You don’t have to cheer up. The whole strong and silent mardiness thing really does do it for me.”

A small laugh spluttered out of Aaron, leaving him grinning and shaking his head. Robert looked far too pleased with himself. Keeping his eyes fixed on Aaron, he pulled the magazine from his hands and flung it to the coffee table, before pulling Aaron in for a long and luxuriating kiss, his fingers tenderly stroking the side of Aaron’s neck, one kiss moving into the next, deepening slowly, everything narrowing down to the soft wet heat of their mouths.

When they pulled apart they were both out of breath and Robert had a very familiar look darkening his eyes. His smile was small, but it showed a glint of teeth as he asked Aaron, “Wanna go upstairs?”

Aaron didn’t debate for even a second if he was or wasn’t going upstairs with Robert. Because he definitely was. It had been too long since they had been playful and silly with each other, laughing all the way through attempting to take each other’s clothes off. They both managed to get in a few _old man_ digs before things got serious and naked and urgent.

Aaron revelled in the way Robert alternated between being pushy, but also giving. For someone who needed to be in control so much, when they were together like this, in private, in their bed, the way he let Aaron take charge, take what he wanted, control seemed like nothing more than an illusion. Aaron had pinned him to the mattress, holding Robert’s wrists tight above his head, and Robert just grinned lazily at him, enjoying every second of Aaron taking the lead. It was thrilling in a way Aaron couldn’t quite figure out. But he went with it. It felt good to feel this thrill again.

It felt good to feel again.

*****

But something was _definitely_ up.

The feeling of it persisted for about four weeks until the truth came out on a Friday evening as he and Robert pulled up outside the Mill after work. They’d been bantering about cars, the conversation becoming stilted when Robert said, “You never did tell me what happened to my car.”

Aaron had given him a calm look with a little smile. “What do you think happened to it?”

Robert frowned and said, “Not sure I want to know actually.”

“Wise,” Aaron said and the next five minutes had been filled with simmering silence, until Robert had started looking at his phone again, scrolling through messages. “Something important?”

There was a small smile playing on Robert’s lips as he nodded, his voice strange as he said, “You could say.”

Aaron tried not to bristle at the cryptic answer. Robert didn’t seem to be hiding something as much as withholding information. Aaron assumed he’d find out soon enough what it was. Just not as soon as he walked into the Mill to see Vic sitting on the sofa with Rebecca White.

Aaron was still staring at her when a voice called out, “Dad!”

He turned towards the voice, finding Seb running down the stairs and grinning at him with a toothy smile like Robert's reaching all the way to his bright blue happy eyes under a mop of gingery blond hair. He came straight for Aaron, hugging him tight with a force that made him stumble back. When he’d recovered, he hugged the boy back tight, kissing him on the cheek. God he’d grown so tall, Aaron couldn’t stop looking at him, couldn’t stop smiling.

When they parted, Seb looked past Aaron with a wide grin. Aaron turned to see Robert behind them with a soft watery smile on his face and bright eyes. Reaching to hug both Aaron and Seb at the same time, he said, “Surprise.”

*****

Chas had a huge smile on her face, happily leaving Charity to get the drinks. She was looking at the two tables at the back of he pub. Robert was there with Seb and Rebecca on one side, Vic and Harry on the other. Aaron looked back and smiled too, before looking back at Chas. In the time he had looked away and back at her, she had shifted her gaze to look dotingly at him.

“Oh love,” she said, reaching out to squeeze his hand. “I’m happy for ya. Can’t believe you didn’t know he was coming.”

“Robert wanted to keep it a surprise. Seb’s idea apparently. Been scheming together. Can’t believe Rebecca went along with it,” Aaron said.

“She loves her boy,” Chas said knowingly. “Anyone can tell looking at him he’s happy to be home. Will you look at him and Harry? No mistaking they’re related.”

Aaron glanced back. Seb was talking to Harry, showing him something on his phone. He had Robert’s natural ability to talk to people, animated and confident, coming across older than his thirteen years of age. Vic and Rebecca were laughing about something together. Robert was sat there with a smile weighed down with sadness, his eyes on Seb. When Seb looked up to show Robert whatever was playing on the screen of his phone, the sadness disappeared like it had been a trick of the light, and Robert smiled brightly. Had he always been able to lie so easily? Hide away his hurt like that? Or was that new?

“Don’t mind me, you two carry on,” Aaron turned to see Charity shove a tray of drinks towards him before she put her hands on her hips and peered across the pub floor. “Little family reunion, eh? Nice. When did this all happen then?”

“They arrived today,” Aaron said with a nod. “Rebecca says she might do a few days in Liverpool, catch up with some mates, leave Seb with us.”

Charity laughed, shaking her head. “I have to hand it to your fella, I really do.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chas asked as Aaron just stared at Charity, her words knocking about in his head and hitting all the wrong places.

“Well, look at him,” Charity said. “You wouldn’t know he’s been in a prison for eleven years. He’s just strolled back into the village and picked up where he left off.”

“That’s just Robert though, isn’t it?” Chas said with a shrug.

“Oh no one’s _that_ good. Back together with his bloke. Back to work. Even got his kid back from the other side of the world. You’d think he’d been planning all this for a while.” Charity nodded at Aaron. “Eh. You sure you two love birds weren’t secretly cooking all this up before he got out?”

Aaron shook his head mutely, his mum replying to Charity, “Okay, thank you, Charity. _If _you don’t mind.”

Charity held her hands up in surrender. “Oh charming. I’m helping you out here. Pub ain’t been my problem for years. This is the thanks I get, is it?”

Chas rolled her eyes. Charity grinned, backing away, cheerily asking someone for their drink order. Chas gave Aaron a nervous look. She was way ahead of him, or ahead of his thoughts anyway. “_Don’t_ listen to her.”

Aaron scratched at his jaw, nodding. He glanced back just in time to see Robert and Rebecca laughing at something. They still looked perfect for each other, their son a perfect combination of them both. Something old and ugly twisted right in the centre of Aaron’s chest and he had to look away. He pushed it down, picked up the drinks and went back to the table, his mind elsewhere as the conversation continued.

Back at the Mill, he slipped away upstairs just for some quiet, a little peace. Only, it wasn’t peace he was after, was it? It was release. He sat there on the edge of the bed, blinking at the locked door of the bathroom, his skin itching as if something was trapped underneath, scratching to be let out. His hand slipped under the sleeve of his sweater, the nail of his thumb digging sharply into his skin. He took a shaky breath and made his way downstairs.

“You’ll have to ask Aaron that,” Robert was telling Seb as Aaron stepped into the living room. The Mill had quietened down now, with Vic and Harry gone.

“Ask Aaron what?” he said, sitting down in the armchair, trying not to feel overcome by the sight of Seb and Robert sitting there next to each other.

“He wants to know what happened to that fancy car I used to drive,” Robert said, raising his brows at Aaron.

“Ah,” Aaron said, sitting back. He nodded to Seb. “You go to prison, your car gets scrapped. That’s about the end of it really.”

Seb’s mouth fell open. “Are you _serious_?”

“Deadly,” Aaron said. He looked around room, the kitchen, the door of the downstairs loo. “Where’s your mum?”

“She’s over at Vic’s,” Robert told him. “Girl’s night.”

“Oh yeah? You know what that means don’t you?” Aaron asked Seb. “Boy’s night. Player one, _ready_.”

“_Yes_.” Seb made a fist, scrunching up his face and falling back against the cushions, getting a delighted laugh out of Robert.

Now that it was just the three of them, Robert looked a little happier, groaning but looking pleased as Seb thrashed him with every round they played, until Robert dropped the controller with a laugh and said, “Okay. I’m done.”

Aaron had fared better, but felt happier when Seb won every game, because he lit up with a pure happiness that belonged to a much younger him, a boy that Aaron and Robert had briefly been able to raise as just their own.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Aaron asked later, slipping into bed as Robert stood at the foot, kicking his socks out of the way, undressed down to his grey boxers. “About Seb.”

Robert came around to his side of the bed, getting in and lying down. He turned onto his side, Aaron still sitting and looking down at him lying there, one hand holding onto the corner of his pillow. “I knew how happy it would make you to come home and see him here.”

Aaron frowned in confusion. “_I_ should have been doing that for _you_, Robert.”

“Like I said, it was Seb’s idea. Once Rebecca gave him the go ahead, he told me he was coming. I said I couldn’t wait to tell you, and he suggested we surprise you.” Robert smiled at him, sadness and happiness interwoven in the colours of his eyes. “He loves you. His favourite dad.”

“Robert-” Aaron said softly, guiltily.

Robert shook his head and reached for Aaron’s hand. “No. Don’t. I always knew he would. Aaron, being second to you in his affections...that’s...I don’t even have words. After everything that happened, the way you loved him. The way he loves you back. It makes me think I must have done _something_ good at some point, probably by accident knowing me, to be able to have this. Have you.”

“He loves you too, you know,” Aaron said quietly. "I know how much he missed having his dad around."

There it was again, that sad smile, Robert’s gaze shifting to their hands linking together. “He barely knows me.”

Aaron pulled his hand away, cupping Robert’s cheek to make him look up. “Robert. He knows you. Every time I spoke to him, I made sure of it. He knows you. And I made sure he loves you. And you deserve it, Robert, you _deserve_ that love.”

Robert’s eyes seemed bright, but it could have been the light. He smiled softly and said, “Yeah? Come over here and prove it then.”

Aaron grinned. He could do that. This part was always easy.

*****

Aaron stopped half-way down the stairs at the sight of Rebecca sat at the kitchen table. She’d grown older into Chrissie-like elegance, her hair shoulder length, her style just a little less whatever the hell it had been when she’d swanned into Emmerdale for the first time. If something had really changed about her, it was that those eternally wide eyes of hers looked just a little more sad than they used to. She was sitting back in her chair, casual in jeans, flats and an expensive looking green blouse, coffee cup in one hand, phone in the other.

Aaron continued down the stairs and she looked up, smiling at him. He nodded. “Morning.”

“Morning. Just made a fresh pot of coffee if you’re interested,” she said.

Aaron sighed tiredly, scratching at his chest. “So interested.”

“Late night?” she asked. He opened his mouth and then had nothing to say. His and Robert’s bedroom antics weren’t something he was keen on sharing with anyone ever. Rebecca seemed to have understood anyway, her mouth also hanging open for a moment, before she grinned and said, “You know what? Never mind. Robert still asleep, is he?”

“Knocked out,” Aaron said with a nod, pouring himself a cup before taking a seat opposite Rebecca. “Seb too. Both of them drooling on their pillows.”

Rebecca laughed at that, before her expression grew a little serious. “I...hope it’s okay we’re here, like this. By which I mean, that _I’m_ here like this. I know things haven’t always been easy over the last few years.”

“We get to see Seb,” Aaron said. “It’s all Robert and I care about right now.”

Rebecca was peering at Aaron, trying to figure something out. She smiled then, asking, “How’s Robert doing?”

Aaron shrugged. “He’s being Robert, isn’t he?”

“Ah,” Rebecca said with understanding, an understanding that immediately re-ignited the spark of a jealousy that would never really go away, no matter how many times he married Robert, no matter how many times Rebecca was punished for her indiscretion. Aaron hated it, wished he could cut it out of himself. “He’s lost eleven years. I suspect it’ll take time to get used to it. That’s how losing anything works.”

This he understood well enough, and he nodded in agreement. Taking a deep breath he said, “You know, you don’t have to disappear off to Liverpool on our account. You and Seb are welcome here as long as you want.”

“Thank you, very kind,” Rebecca said with a nod. “But, I think it would be quite nice for me to have some time with friends, and for Seb to have time with...his proper dads.”

“What? Now the improper one’s out of the picture?” Aaron said with a smile.

Rebecca laughed quietly. “Something like that. Seb needs you both. Some stability in his life. I don’t want to put him through another Ross; getting close to someone and then losing them. Again. You and Robert...makes me think I need to stop worrying about potential new fathers when he already has two perfectly good ones here.”

“Yeah, but you’re still going to be on the other side of the world, aren’t ya?” Aaron asked with a frown.

Rebecca bit her lip, gaze flitting to her coffee and then to Aaron. “What if we weren’t? What if we moved back? Do you think you might have room for Seb in your life again?”

“Are you joking?” Aaron stared at her, letting out a laugh. She shook her head. He grinned, feeling something unclench wide in his chest. “We love him. Of course there’s room.”

“What’s going on?” Aaron turned to look at Seb standing on the staircase, looking worried.

“_I_ was just talking to your dad about the prospect of us moving back here,” Rebecca said brightly.

Seb came down the stairs and into the kitchen, sleep ruffled and confused, looking eerily like a younger Robert. “What? What about school? And all my friends?”

“You can make new friends. You did it before,” Rebecca said, looking just a little taken aback. “Look, your dads are here, we have family in London-”

“You can’t do this! You can’t just make us move again,” Seb said, looking tearful. “It’s not fair.”

Aaron got up, reaching for him. “Hey. It’s okay. No one’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to do. Look, your mum was just thinking about it, nothing’s set in stone. Okay? Come here.”

Seb let himself be held, sniffling against Aaron. He had a lot of bluster to him, but underneath it all, he was just a little boy and his happiness hinged on all those simple things like friendships, stability, whatever his idea of home was. All this, this was just a holiday. It was just a momentary blip.

Aaron heard a soft shuffle of footsteps and turned his head to see Robert standing quietly at the foot of the stairs, watching his son crying at the prospect of coming _home. _Aaron was sure that the sound of reality slapping so-called normality hard in the face wasn’t being heard by him alone.

*****

“Look, it’s not like it was already planned, was it?”

Aaron frowned, looking up from where he was sat on sofa in the back room of the pub, elbow gone numb from leaning on the armrest, his hand holding up his aching and heavy head. _Was_ it planned? Had Rebecca and Robert already figured this all out? Is that why Robert had looked so stunned and unhappy at the sight of Seb’s upset?

“Aaron?” Paddy said, placing a cup of tea on the coffee table. “Probably just Rebecca throwing around ideas.”

“Yeah, probably,” Aaron said. He scowled. “It’s just...Robert looked so gutted. Disappeared this morning, said something about a meeting. Yesterday he was going on about spending the whole day with Seb. Haven’t heard from him all day.”

“Have you called him?” Paddy asked.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “He was driving. Said he couldn’t talk for long and might be back late.”

“Well, then, he’ll be back late. Stop your fretting, will ya? What do you think he’s doing out there? Burning down Australia?” Paddy said with a little laugh. Aaron shook his head, letting out an exhalation of frustration and impatience. He just wanted Robert home, where he could see him. “Look, Aaron. It’s hard when your kids don’t want you as the centre of their universe.”

“Paddy-”

“No, really. Eve _literally_ told me ‘Dad, you’re not the centre of the universe and I wanted to cry like a baby,” Paddy carried on. “It’s gotta be even harder when you haven’t been around. Maybe just give him a little bit space, eh?”

“Thanks, Paddy,” Aaron said dryly. “I was just going to tell him to forget it and move on with his life. I _know_ he wants to sort this out in his head. Doesn’t mean he has to do it on his own.”

“Right. And how many heart to hearts have you had with him lately about what’s going on with you?” Paddy asked, all humour gone.

“There’s nothing going on with me,” Aaron said, frowning at Paddy.

“Oh give over,” Paddy said. “You’re walking around like a ticking time bomb. You think no one can see it? You were a mess when he was on the inside. Well, he’s back now. He’s here! _Talk_ to him.”

“Shut up, Paddy,” Aaron said, glaring at Paddy and shaking his head.

“I will not shut up,” Paddy said. “All this..._stuff_ you’re holding onto, Aaron. Tell him about it. Both of you walking around pretending like nothing’s changed, like him getting banged up hasn’t messed with ya heads-”

“And what’s that gonna achieve, Paddy?” Aaron yelled, jumping to his feet, stopping Paddy mid-flow. “Is it gonna reverse time? Is it gonna bring back everything we lost, everything we were supposed to have together? No! We’re still gonna be here standing on the other side of an eleven year hole filled with _nothing_! And it didn’t have to be this way-”

Aaron stopped, his voice cracking. He clenched his jaw, his stomach rolling hard, a swell of nausea creeping over him. He was shaking, a chill spreading through his bones. Paddy slowly got up from his chair backed against the kitchen table. He moved towards Aaron, but Aaron took a step back. He didn’t need comfort. He didn’t _want_ it. He just wanted Robert. Robert was all he needed.

“I gotta go,” he said. Paddy opened his mouth to protest, but Aaron stopped him with a shake of his head. He made a quick exit from the pub, phone in hand as he texted Robert: **when are you coming home?**


	9. Chapter 9

Aaron walked into the Mill to find Rebecca and Vic in the kitchen, both of them in quiet conversation, cups of tea in hand as they leaned against the counter, the aroma of food cooking wafting through the air. Seb was nowhere to be seen - just like his dad. Aaron slowly headed to the kitchen under Rebecca and Vic’s twin gazes watching him with worry.

“Alright?” he asked, a scowl pinching at his forehead. “What’s all this then?”

“I thought I’d be of some use and make us dinner,” Rebecca answered. Aaron looked at Vic who was wearing a familiar expression of soft sympathy. Rebecca said, “I asked Vic to bring Harry around. He and Seb are upstairs, getting up to god knows what.”

“Right. How is he?” Aaron asked.

“Better. I had a little chat with him after you left,” Rebecca said with a tight smile. “I'm sorry about earlier. I had no idea he would react so badly.”

“Didn’t you?” Aaron asked with a frown. “It’s just...it works out well for you, dunnit? If me and Robert get to see how miserable the idea of coming back here makes him feel.”

“Aaron, come on,” Vic said, looking surprised. "That's unfair."

Aaron shook his head with a huff. “Whatever.”

“I made a mistake, Aaron,” Rebecca said. “I got wrapped up in the idea of coming back home and didn’t stop to think that Seb might actually be happy where he is. I never to meant to hurt anyone.”

“You never do, do ya?” Aaron said with a twist of his mouth.

“_Aaron_,” Vic snapped. “I know you’re upset, but you’re taking it out on the wrong person.”

Aaron glared at her, mouth clamped shut, arms feeling heavy as he placed his hands on his hips, trying to anchor himself to the ground somehow. Giving his mind a moment to spin through all his frustrations, he lifted a hand to rub his forehead, trying to think. Robert hadn’t texted him back and he wasn’t answering his calls. What was Aaron supposed to do now?

“Since you've got tea sorted, I'm gonna go look for Robert,” he finally said.

“Where?” Vic asked. “Look...Aaron, stay put, okay? He could be back any second. _Please_. I don’t want to have to be worried about you and all.”

“Fine,” he huffed out after a long minute of consideration. “I’m going upstairs.”

“What about tea?” Vic asked.

“Not hungry,” he said, already half-way up the stairs. At the top he stopped outside Liv’s old room where he could hear Harry and Seb talking animatedly about something. Harry laughed, finding something funny. The sound of a recording followed, probably Seb and his phone. More laughter. Kid’s being kids, oblivious to all the drama around them. Good, Aaron thought, that was how it was supposed to be.

Shutting the door to his bedroom, he sat down right there on the floor, leaning against the closed door. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out his phone, calling Robert again. Again, it went to voicemail. Aaron felt his heart deflate. “Robert, where are ya? I know you’re upset, but you can’t just..._hide_. Please, come home, will ya?”

He ended the call, face twisting in frustration. He sat there, anxiety bubbling in his chest, weighing down his limbs. He felt tired out by it all. A knock at the door pulled him out of increasingly disastrous thinking. He got up and unlocked it to find Seb outside, looking uncertain.

“You okay?” Aaron asked. Seb nodded mutely, coming in when Aaron opened the door wider. Aaron watched him walk into the room, standing there looking a little lost, his fingers scratching at the back of his hand. “Seb. What is it?”

Seb scowled and then looked at Aaron. “Have I done something wrong? Is that why my dad’s gone off?”

Aaron was momentarily stunned into silence. He sighed inwardly, closing the door. Nodding to the bed, he said, “Here. Sit down.”

They both perched on the foot of the bed, Seb looking far too burdened for a thirteen year old. He said, “I heard Mum and Auntie Vic talking. He’s gone off because...because I don’t want to live here, isn’t it?”

“It’s not that simple, Seb,” Aaron said quietly.

“Thing is,” Seb said with a little energetic spark before he deflated again, back to looking frustrated. Quietly, he said, “Thing is...I wish I could see you every day. But...I...”

“You don’t want to move here because this isn’t your home,” Aaron said with a shrug. “It’s okay. You don’t have to feel bad about it. What you feel, what you want – all those things matter, Seb. Your dad and I, we just want you to be happy. _Nothing_ else. Doesn’t matter if it’s here or on the other side of the world.”

“Is he upset with me?” Seb asked, his face scrunched with worry, making him look even younger.

Aaron put an arm around him. “’Course not, mate. He _loves_ you. He’s just...he’s sad because he hasn’t been around the way he wanted to be. And he’s missed you, you know?”

Seb pulled back, earnestly telling Aaron, “I missed him too.”

“Yeah?” Aaron smiled.

“Yeah,” Seb said with a nod, looking somewhere inside his own mind. “Mum showed me all these videos and these pictures, so I wouldn’t forget him. But...I was so small when he left. Sometimes I’m not sure if stuff I remember is real. But every time you talked about him, I felt like I remembered him, like I knew him. And I missed him. Can’t...can’t you both come to Australia?”

“Right now we don’t even know if he’s allowed to leave the country for a holiday,” Aaron said, rubbing Seb’s back. “There’s all these rules because they let him out of prison early. Look, we’ll sort something out, okay? You don’t have to move here to stay in touch with your dad.”

“Dads,” Seb corrected him, looking at Aaron in a way that seemed to pry open a part of Aaron’s heart he’d rather was kept shut.

“Dads,” he said roughly, nodding back. He sighed, ruffling Seb’s hair. “Sounding like a proper Aussie these days.”

“Shut up,” Seb said with a grin as he playfully shoved at Aaron.

“Could be worse. Could sound like Ross,” Aaron said, slinging his arm around Seb’s neck. Seb laughed, carefree and childish, and it made some of Aaron’s anxiety ebb away. He let go of Seb, giving him a clap on the back. “Why don’t you go see if your mum and Auntie Vic need a hand, eh? And take Harry with ya.”

Seb jumped up, nodding and heading towards the door. He opened it and looked back at Aaron. “Thanks Dad.”

“No thanks required. It’s what dads are for, ain’t it?” Aaron smiled, getting up to go to him. He hung onto the side of the door, making a fist of his hand and holding it out. “Mates for life, yeah?”

Seb grinned and bumped fists with him, nodding. “Mates for life.”

Seb left, yelling for Harry as if the two had always been inseparable, both of them thundering down the stairs together. Aaron shut the door, leaning against it for a while, his mind slipping back to the look on Robert’s face when he saw how distraught Seb was at the thought of moving away from the place he called home. Robert’s hadn’t looked upset, or disappointed. Just defeated.

The phone rang in Aaron’s pocket, snapping him back to the present.

Aaron dug it out of his pocket to see Jimmy was calling. He answered it: “Yeah. What is it?”

“Your fella,” Jimmy said simply. Aaron felt his heart trip. “I just passed him on the way home. Looks like he’s driving up to the scrapyard. I thought I’d tell you because he was a little funny with me this morning, telling me he’d take a meeting he’d fobbed off on me in the first place. Said something about needing to get away. I take it you two have had a barney, have you? Back to your old selves in no time-”

“Is that it, Jimmy?” Aaron snapped.

“Oh, um, yes. He was driving a little on the _erratic_ side. You might want to get to him sooner than later. That Beemer _is _only for business use and we can do without it getting written off,” Jimmy said. “Right, I better put the phone down. Nico’s glaring at me from the gate.”

Aaron was already switching off the call and moving, running down the stairs. Vic called after him, “Aaron? Aaron!”

He ignored her and was out of the door in a shot, jumping into his car and out of the driveway in no time. The scrapyard wasn’t that far away, but the ride there felt like an eternity. It didn’t matter what Robert was doing there, what he was hiding himself in, what mattered was that he was alone when he didn’t have to be. Aaron braked to a hard stop when he got there, seeing a black BMW parked up. Aaron got out of his car and looked at the portacabin; the lights were all off, but Robert was definitely in there.

Aaron went towards it, pushing the unlocked door open and stepping inside. Shutting the door behind him, he switched on the lights. Aaron sighed as he looked around at the mess. There was a cracked window that would need replacing. Everything that had been on Robert’s desk was on the floor. There was an upturned chair near the broken window, answering one question. The place was a mess of stationary and paperwork. There were bits of grey ceramic, which Aaron recognised as Robert’s coffee mug. Robert was no where in sight, though Aaron could hear shuffling, hear the soft sound of breathing.

Aaron walked the length of the cabin, walking around Robert’s desk to find him sitting on the floor and leaning against his desk drawers, knees drawn up. There was an empty bottle of booze lying at his feet, his hands hung over his knees, one of them bloody. Aaron moved closer and sat down next to him on the floor. He took Robert’s hand in both of his to take a good look.

“What have you been doing to yourself?” he asked quietly.

Robert had hit something hard enough to make the skin of his knuckles break and bleed. His hand looked sore and Aaron could see where it was already swelling. He looked at Robert’s profile. There was a smear on his cheek where his bloody hand had touched his skin, the yellow of his hair looking pinked too.

“Rob,” he murmured. “What are you doing here?”

Robert turned his face to look at Aaron. He seemed blank, lost somewhere under a haze of alcohol and misery. He shook his head, frowning. “I don’t know what to do.”

“About?” Aaron asked softly.

Robert’s mouth fell open, wordless, the slow process of turning that question over all too visible in the slow blink of his eyes. He looked about ten years younger, something innocent about the smoothed out expression on his face.

“Turning back time," he mumbled. "How do I...how do I go back to eleven years ago? I’d do _anything_ to be able to do that. To go back. Be a better dad to Seb. Better brother to Vic. To _Liv_. An uncle to Harry. How do I go back and...fix _us_? How do I make you stop looking so sad all the time, eh?”

Aaron opened his mouth, but the words had remained stuck in his throat, and he had to try again, the sounds scratching their way out. “You can’t mate. Time don’t work that way.”

Robert nodded, heavy and drink-soaked. He laughed, his grin looking fragile on his face. “I’m such an idiot. I messed everything up, didn’t I?”

“Like what,” Aaron asked, unsure if he actually wanted to know.

“We were supposed to have a kid of our own,” Robert said, his words coming out in a rush of misery. “We were...we were supposed be _happy_ and I _ruined_ it. _Nothing_ I do can ever fix this. Thing’s will _never_ be the same again, because I ruin _everything_ I touch.”

Aaron’s lips trembled. He had to look away when he felt the tears begin to fall. Sniffing, he wiped them quickly so he could look at Robert, take care of him, try and make this better somehow. “Things don’t have to be same. Or fixed, Robert. They can be different. We can work to make them _better_.”

Robert stared at Aaron, his voice a confused murmur as he asked, “How can you say that? How can you _believe_ it? Why are you even _here_, Aaron? _Why_ are you even giving me the time of day?”

Aaron gave him an incredulous look, grating out the words, “Because I _love_ you.”

Robert blinked at him, looking expressionless for a moment. Frowning, he said, “Even after I did everything I could to make you hate me?”

Right, Aaron thought. You can’t cry for someone you hate. You can’t miss them if you hate them. Of course. But then...when did Robert’s plans ever work properly? Aaron nodded, trying to control the downward twist of his mouth. “I suppose you never really knew _how much_ I love you then. Did ya?”

Robert looked away, hiding his face in his hands, his elbows digging into his knees. Aaron could hear his shuddering breath, the sound of tears he was hiding from view. His hands slipped up, fingers dragging through his hair, spreading more blood, as he hung his head and murmured, “I’m sorry. I am _so_ sorry, Aaron.”

Aaron sniffed back his tears, wiping his face, pushing down the rising tide of emotions in his chest, in his head. He reached out to cup the back of Robert’s neck, stroking his hand up and down. Robert relaxed after a moment, head coming up out of his hands. He looked dazed and exhausted.

“We were gonna have a kid of our own,” he said quietly. He laughed, looking happy for just a few seconds. “Remember? We thought it might be a girl. And no one would be able take her away from us, because she’d be _just_ ours? Mine and yours.”

Aaron shrugged. He'd made a peace with this part of their reality some time ago. "So what if it didn’t happen? Seb’s still our boy, isn’t he?”

Robert looked at Aaron with a tearful and incredulous expression on his face. He was shaking his head, breaking Aaron’s heart. “_No_.”

“Don’t say that,” Aaron said, tears stinging his eyes. “You don’t mean that.”

“Did you see the look on his face at the idea of coming back here? I heard him last night, Aaron. _Crying_ in his bed,” Robert said. He let out a laugh, wet and heavy with unhappiness. “I had a dad who couldn’t send me away far enough, and now a son who doesn’t want to be anywhere near me. What a piece of work, eh?”

Aaron squeezed the back of Robert’s neck softly. “You know that’s not how it is. It’s _not_ about you. It’s about the life he’s living, the life he doesn’t want to give up. He _misses_ you. He told me himself. You’re a good dad, Robert, and you have another chance to prove it.”

Robert laughed again, this time it sounded ugly and dangerous. “Right. I’ve got a business I haven’t had a hand in for eleven years, and it’s running itself whether I’m there or not. Got a son who looks embarrassed by the fact that when he says ‘Dad’ I might answer instead of you. And as for being free...just when I think I'm coming out of the grip of prison life I break out into a sweat because something smells funny, tastes weird, sounds loud and I'm _back_. I want to leave. But I can't. I'm still there."

Aaron moved to grab Robert’s hands in his, tugging until Robert would look at him. “You need something to do? Run the scrapyard. I don’t mind being a house husband _at_ all. One day Seb will call you ‘Dad’ because it won’t feel weird anymore because you will have been around long enough to make it real again. You can't get prison life out of your system, then I'll _help_ ya. _I _will bring you home. And then..._everything_ will be perfect. I promise ya. You'll do it. Maybe not for yourself, but you'll do it for the people who matter to you."

Robert’s eyes were shining and drinking Aaron in. He extracted his hand to cup Aaron’s cheek, tearfully telling him, “Don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you, Aaron. You know you're _everything_ don't ya?”

"Shut up," Aaron said, shaking his head, Robert's words peeling open emotions that had been wrapped tightly and hidden away where they couldn't be disturbed.

Robert moved forward, crushing his mouth against Aaron's in a fevered kiss. Aaron felt raw, on shaky ground, trying to hold onto Robert. However, Robert was moving quickly, his hands on Aaron's jacket, trying to shove it back, move things in a different direction. But it was too much with Robert tasting of whiskey and desperation. Aaron gently pushed him away, Robert frowning at him with a wounded look in his eyes.

“Not when you’re like this,” Aaron said softly. “Just come home with me, Robert. Let me take care of ya. Okay?”

Robert nodded sluggishly. "Okay."

Aaron got up, Robert's gaze following him. Aaron held out his hand and Robert took it, allowing himself to be pulled up, heavy and uncoordinated. Aaron steadied him and put his arm around Robert’s waist, pulling Robert’s arm around his own neck. He was a drunken heap at Aaron’s side, but Aaron didn’t feel the weight of him even a bit as he took him home.

*****

Aaron had called on ahead, asking Vic to treat everyone to tea at the pub, or finish up quickly and go there for drinks. They didn’t need to see Robert like this, and Aaron didn’t want them to see him in such a state. He took him straight upstairs, helping him out of his clothes, helping him into the shower. For a full five minutes they just stood there under the water, Robert holding onto Aaron heavily, both of them dressed down to their boxers, Aaron holding Robert up under the cool water.

“I’ll get you a coffee,” Aaron told him as soon as he put Robert to bed.

“No,” Robert said, sounding tired, sounding blurred by drink. Sounding done. “Just stay here with me.”

He looked miserable lying there under the covers, one bare arm outside the duvet, holding it close. Aaron sighed, staring at him from the other side of the bed. Robert held out his hand, knuckles looking painfully sore. Aaron went to the bedroom door, making sure he heard the click that confirmed the door was shut. He turned the key and locked it, the sound loud in the room. He’d thrown on a long-sleeved cotton top and trackies, so if he ending up falling asleep, it wouldn’t matter. Vic knew he and Robert were home, they could all figure out the rest. He climbed onto the bed and lay down next to Robert who was staring at him with drink-bright eyes. Aaron took his injured hand in his.

“You haven’t said once what it was like. On the inside,” Aaron said quietly. "Can't just let it eat away at you quietly, you know?"

Robert closed his eyes, voice sounding heavy with tears and tiredness. “Aaron. If you can’t make me feel better, then don’t make me feel worse, okay?”

“Sorry,” Aaron said. “I just...Robert, being in a place like that. It poisons you if you don’t do something about it. You were in there eleven years. Am I supposed to just believe you’re okay?”

“I’m not. I’m not okay,” Robert said, opening his eyes, his voice a low murmur. “But being with you makes it better. Makes me believe I’ll get there. Eventually. What I can't ever get back is all that lost time. And...some days...I can’t handle it.”

Tears trickled from his eyes, over the bridge of his nose, into his hair and onto the pillow. Aaron leaned in, brushing his thumb at the top of Robert’s cheek. “What about the future? There’s still that, isn’t there? You’ll see Seb and Harry grow into young men. You can be a brother again. You can be my-”

Aaron stopped. Because...some things were still hanging, weren’t they?

“Your what?” Robert whispered, his eyes looking eager for an answer.

Aaron nodded at him, giving him all he had for the moment. “You can be mine. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, Robert. You.”

Robert nodded, his lips clamped shut, eyes pink and watery. Aaron moved into his space, slipped an arm under Robert’s head and pulled him in close, pressing his cheek to Robert’s, letting Robert curl his arm tight around Aaron’s middle.

“Love you,” Robert murmured.

Aaron nodded, whispering back, “Love you more.”


	10. Chapter 10

Aaron was standing by the side of a road watching in horror as Robert stood surrounded by the police. He wasn’t struggling, or trying to get away. He was just..._standing_ there, having his rights read to him, nodding. It made no sense. They were supposed to be leaving together. So how was Aaron standing here on the side of this road, and Robert was over there, getting further and further from Aaron’s outstretched hand?

*****

Aaron woke with a sharp intake of breath, his head immediately snapping to the side. He closed his eyes, sighed thankfully. Robert was right there next to him, fast asleep. Aaron swallowed down sleep and terror, opening his eyes again, taking a longer look at Robert.

_You can be my_

_Your what?_

_You can be mine_

The words tumbled around his mind like little pieces of Lego, too small to be a bother, too noisy to ignore. He and Robert weren’t boyfriends anymore. It didn’t seem to be a label that fit them now. They hadn’t been husbands in eleven years. So where did that leave them both? Where did it leave them besides...here, like this? Aaron looked down at Robert’s bruised hand. It looked strange without a wedding band. In Aaron’s mind, there was always a wedding band there. Even after Robert had given it to Aaron in the guise of safekeeping.

Aaron rolled onto his side, pulling his arms into his chest to resist the urge to touch Robert, to wake him from what seemed like a rare and blissful sleep. Eleven years. Each second had passed so slowly, and now it seemed like time had passed in the blink of an eye. Robert had been home months, and it felt like only moments. Unfair, Aaron thought, so unfair. Why couldn’t every new moment move with that same slowness time had moved without Robert around?

Dwelling didn’t help. Only wasted more time.

Aaron got up, making as little noise as possible. He took a quick shower and dressed, coming back to find Robert stirring. He looked terrible; as well as looking green around the gills, he looked pale and drained of colour. Aaron sat down on the edge of the bed, watching Robert’s tired gaze slide in his direction.

Aaron rubbed Robert’s arm softly. “Morning. You alright?”

“No,” Robert croaked, grimacing and covering his eyes with his hand. “I feel terrible.”

“Yeah, well, drinking like an idiot’ll do that,” Aaron said with a nod. “Just be thankful you didn’t get shopped driving drunk.”

“Aaron, leave it,” Robert complained.

“I’m not having a go. Just saying,” Aaron said, feeling lucky Robert was waking up here and not in a police lock up. He gave Robert a pat on the hand. “Stay put. I’ll get you some paracetamol yeah?”

“Just cut my head off and be done with it,” Robert muttered miserably. Aaron snorted, shaking his head when Robert called after him, “Can you get me some juice?”

“Will do,” Aaron said, out of the room and down the stairs, slowing his descent when he spotted Rebecca putting on a pot of coffee. He nodded to her. “Morning.”

“Hiya. Um, I’ll be out of your hair in a second,” she said. For someone on holiday, she looked like she could do with another one.

“It’s okay. I just came down for some juice and painkillers,” Aaron said. “Don’t need to go anywhere on my account-”

“You and I, Aaron,” Rebecca said, stopping him in his tracks. He watched her jaw working as she put her words into place, her entire frame looking tense. “You and I...we’re never going to be the best of friends. I get that. Moving away with Ross didn’t exactly help either. But...you love Seb. That means the world to me. For someone to love my boy the way I love him. I came here for _him_. _Nothing_ else. I...I really need you to know that.”

Aaron nodded slowly, feeling a slow creep of shame, regret stinging at the corners of his eyes. “I didn’t...didn’t mean those things-”

“You did,” Rebecca said quietly. She smiled at him, nodding. “You’re not a man who says things he doesn’t mean.”

“No,” he said with a nod. “But, I am an idiot who gets angry and says the wrong things sometimes. Loving people...it does your head in.”

“Agreed,” Rebecca said slowly. She let out a breath, her gaze flitting up at the stairs. “How is he?”

“Hungover,” Aaron said. “Still solving his problems by getting smashed like an idiot. I better get up there before he _does_ try to cut his head off.”

“That bad?” Rebecca asked, looking a little subdued as Aaron went to open a drawer, finding the small box of painkillers.

He shut the drawer and went to the fridge, nodding. “Yeah, downed a whole bottle of whiskey.”

Rebecca was quiet, somewhere off in her own head as Aaron filled up a glass of orange juice and put the carton away. He looked at her standing there, fiddling with her necklace, just staring ahead. If Cain had seen her, he’d probably laugh and say there was something about the Mill that turned people into zombies. He was right, of course. He just hadn’t cottoned on to the fact that the_ something_ was the people in the Mill.

“Can I ask you something?” Aaron said quietly.

Rebecca snapped out of her daydream and nodded. “Sure.”

“When Robert came out of prison...did you...did you know he was coming out?” Aaron said, feeling a little off-centre even asking. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know if the answer was yes. “Did he...get in touch with you before-?”

Rebecca shook her head. “Anything I needed to tell him had to go through a solicitor. He just...cut me and Seb off. I still don’t know how Seb got his head around that, the fact his dad didn’t want to see even him. Why?”

Aaron shrugged. “Just wondered. You know, because of Seb.”

Rebecca smiled at him. “If he cut off contact with the person at the top of his contact list, I doubt he’d make allowances for anyone else. Not without good reason anyway. You...um, you want some coffee?”

“No, thanks. I’ll have one later. Better get this up to him,” Aaron said, headed back towards the stairs.

“Aaron?” Rebecca called out after him. He looked over the railing at her. “He’s lucky he has you, you know?”

Aaron frowned at her, not pushing for an explanation on where that came from, or why she wasn’t telling him that _he_ was the lucky one. He just nodded and carried on, back in his and Robert’s bedroom, using his foot to shut the door behind him. Robert was still lying there looking wretched. Aaron sat back down by his side, popping two pills from the pack and getting Robert to lift his head long enough to swallow them down with a few mouthfuls of juice. Robert grimaced and let his head drop back down on the pillow, Aaron keeping watch quietly.

“Sorry,” Robert said quietly. “About last night. Bet I made a right idiot of myself.”

“You don’t remember?” Aaron asked, placing his hand over Robert’s bruised knuckles, stroking the back of Robert’s hand with his thumb.

Robert frowned, quiet for a moment. “I remember...I was looking at these videos, photos on my phone. It just hit me, everything I’ve missed. Didn’t want to think about it. Just wanted to..._forget_. Oh god...I smashed up the portacabin, didn’t I?”

He clamped a hand to his head, grimacing. Aaron said, “Hey, it’s fine. You cracked a window, but otherwise it’s just a mess. Easily cleaned up.”

Robert closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Yeah. If only I could just stop messing up.”

“You didn’t. Just mess up that is,” Aaron told him. “You...talked.”

Robert scowled at Aaron. He looked worried. God forbid that anyone could see Robert Sugden have a bad day. “About what?”

Aaron shrugged. “Prison being in your head. Everything you missed out on while you were inside. Seb. Stuff like that. We both agreed things would get better. _You’ll_ get better and I’ll be there to help you.”

Robert was staring at him quietly, his expression unreadable. He frowned and said, “And everything will be perfect.”

“You do remember,” Aaron said.

Robert nodded his head. “I thought I dreamed it.”

“Well, I mean it, Robert,” Aaron said. “We’re going to see you right. You don’t have to pretend to be okay, you know? You probably think you’ve been out months and you should move on, but some things take time, don’t they? You’re home now. You can take all the time you need.”

Robert reached for Aaron’s hand, his fingers stroking over the jut of bone in his wrist. “What about you? Have you moved on?”

Aaron looked down at their hands with a smile. “We’re not talking about me.”

“Why not?” Robert said. “Maybe we should.”

Aaron let out a laugh. “I had eleven years to think this all through. I don’t need to keep dwelling on it.”

“So we’re good are we?” Robert asked him. “Me and you.”

“Yeah,” Aaron answered with a shrug. “We’re good.”

Robert looked him square in the eye, quietly telling him, “Liar.”

Aaron brushed off the accusation with a small smile. “Well, I suppose if anyone can spot a liar it would be you, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah, it would,” Robert said, looking just a little too amused by Aaron’s response. He tugged Aaron closer. “Alright, enough foreplay.”

“Like you’d know,” Aaron scoffed, allowing himself to be pulled down and rolled onto his back all the same. He lay there looking up into the intensity of Robert’s gaze, so laser focused on Aaron it made his skin itch with heat. Aaron let out a calming breath, pressing his palms against Robert’s bare chest, his skin sleep-warm. “Thought you felt terrible.”

“Well, you’re here now. You can make me feel better,” Robert said with a shameless little smile. Aaron glared a little half-heartedly and then parted his lips for the kiss headed in his direction.

*****

“All on your lonesome?” His mum was stood on the other side of the bar, giving him a curious look.

Aaron nodded, taking a pleasurable gulp of his beer. “Yup.”

“Why?” Chas asked, her eyes narrowing from curious into suspicion.

“Robert’s spending the day with Seb. Rebecca’s over at Vic’s,” Aaron said. He held up his pint. “I’m having five minutes to myself. If that’s alright with you.”

“It is if _you’re_ alright,” his mum said. He rolled his eyes. “Well, are ya?”

Aaron gave her a little smile, one he felt reaching inwards. He nodded. “I reckon so.”

Chas grinned at him. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Aaron said quietly. “Feel like things might start getting back to some kind of normal.”

Chas smiled wide at that. “I’m made up for ya.”

“Oi oi,” Jimmy said, sidling up to Aaron. “A pint if you will, Chas.”

“Coming right up,” Chas said, still smiling.

Jimmy turned to Aaron. “I take it all is well this morning in the Dingle Sugden household?”

“Yep,” Aaron said with a nod. “Robert was in a bit of a state last night, but we got it sorted.”

“Well, it’s bound to happen, isn’t it?” Jimmy said with an understanding nod.

Aaron nodded back. “You know, you’ve been a really good friend to him since he got back. Means a lot, mate.”

“Oh, think nothing of it,” Jimmy said. “You know he was so worried there was nothing to come back to, but I said, mate, don’t you worry. It’s all still here.”

Aaron frowned, something turning round and round in his head, like the barrel of a gun, so far each chamber empty as he waited for the one with the bullet. “When did you tell him that then?”

Jimmy’s mouth went slack before flapping open and shut for a second. “Well, when he got back. Obviously. Oh, cheers, Chas. I’ll uh, I’ll just take it over there, shall I? Gotta make a little phone call.”

Jimmy dropped the money for his pint into Chas’s hand before scurrying away to a table far from the bar as Aaron watched.

“You alright, love?” Chas asked.

Aaron could still feel the press of Robert’s fingertips in his skin, the scrape of teeth, the slide of his lips. _Liar_. He’d whispered, _love you so much_, _love you_, _I love you_. Every way he could have said it, Robert said he loved Aaron. _Liar._

“Aaron?” Chas asked. “Love, you’re scaring me here.”

Aaron got up, pushing his drink away. “I have to go.”

“What? You haven’t finished your pint – where are you going?” she called out after him. He kept moving.

*****

Aaron sat staring at the mantelpiece. He often sat there, staring at it wondering how he’d gone from trying to kill himself in a garage, to married. To a _bloke_. How had he gone from hating what he was, to loving Robert so much that what the world thought was insignificant. He’d pick Robert over anything, anyone, anywhere. _Every_ time. It was funny that the one thing that made him feel strong, was something that also left him weak: Robert.

“Come on, you can help me get started on tea,” Robert said as he opened the door, Seb walking on ahead looking pleased about something. Robert spotted Aaron. “Hey. You’re home early. We were going to surprise you with tea.”

Aaron smiled. “Full of surprises, you.”

Robert frowned, giving him a little look. “You alright?”

“Yep,” Aaron said, getting up. He smiled at Seb who was rifling through a bag of whatever it was Robert had bought his affections with. _“_Your dad been spoiling you, eh?”

Seb grinned at Aaron. “He said the three of us can go go-kart racing. Have you ever been? It sounds brilliant.”

Aaron nodded. “I have as a matter of fact. Give you a few pointers so you can outrun grandad over there.”

“Oi, I’m not _that _old,” Robert laughed.

“Listen, Seb, could you do us a favour, mate?” Aaron said, patting Seb on the back. “I need to talk to Robert about something. It’s just some boring work stuff. Why don’t you pop over to your Auntie Vic’s for a bit? You can show Harry all this stuff your dad’s got you.”

Seb nodded, frowning a little. “Okay.”

Aaron smiled at him, pulling him in close for a hug. “Go on, off you go. I texted Vic, so she knows you’re on your way. Rob, you want to drop him off, yeah?”

“Yeah. Sure,” Robert said quietly, watching Aaron closely. “Come on, mate.”

They left, Aaron standing there in the middle of the living room, watching the door. Robert seemed startled when he came back to find Aaron exactly where he had left him. He closed the door behind him and turned to face Aaron, slow, tentative. He knew something was up, it was written all over his face.

“Jimmy knew you were going to be released,” Aaron said quietly, turning back in his mind the pages of days before this one. “I remember he said something to me about you being paroled anytime soon. Because he _knew_ you were coming out early. Didn’t he? Or at the very least he knew that you were coming up for parole. Didn't he?”

Robert’s expression faded to something blank, his caught out look. He shook his head, attempting to laugh it off. “Of course not-”

“Liar!” Aaron snapped, his breath ragged in his chest. “Tell me. You were in touch with him on the inside, weren’t you?”

Robert let out a heavy breath, anxious and guilt-ridden. “I had to know how things were. What was I supposed to do? Come back without knowing what was going on?”

“Oh my god.” Aaron ran a hand over his trembling mouth, shaking his head. “So, all this time, I’m walking around like some_ mug _thinking poor Robert’s completely cut off from the outside, and you’ve got _Jimmy_ spying on us.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Robert said, shaking his head. “When I found out I could get parole, I needed to prepare myself. I needed to know if I had something to come back to-”

“No Robert! You needed to be one up on everyone else!” Aaron yelled at him. “God...you just, you can’t change, can ya? You just can’t stop lying!”

Aaron stalked towards the door, but Robert rushed ahead, blocking it. He shook his head, looking frustrated. “You want to talk about this yeah? So _talk_. You can’t just start something and walk out.”

“Why not? You did!” Aaron snapped, jabbing Robert hard in the chest. “You said goodbye and you just _binned_ us, Robert, like everything we had was _nothing_. Like _I _was _nothing_.”

“Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life!” Robert yelled back. “It near enough _killed_ me.”

“Right,” Aaron said feeling breathless as if he’d run an eleven year long marathon. “Because getting home to find out my husband had me blocked from contacting him felt like it was like Christmas come early. You sent me _divorce_ papers two days after I saw ya.”

“You don’t understand,” Robert said, his mouth thinning out into a stubborn line.

“Do you know what it felt like?” Aaron asked through gritted teeth, getting in Robert’s face. “Do ya? Remember that _one_ time you went to see me in prison and they wouldn’t let you in? _That’s_ how it felt, only about a hundred times worse because all I had of you was the ring you gave back to me, and the memory of you _crying _for me to not forget ya.”

“I had to do it,” Robert said again, chin denting with grief, tears threatening to spill. “I _had_ to.”

“No you didn’t! You _chose_ to do it, and you broke us. You broke _me_!” Aaron shouted and shoved at him. Robert caught his wrists, tears shining bright in his eyes. Aaron’s fingers rigidly curled in Robert’s grip as he let out a shuddering breath, his head falling forward, shaking slowly. “I hate ya so much. You have no idea what you did to me.”

“I _love_ you,” Robert said, his chest shuddering. “I didn’t _want_ to hurt you.”

Aaron pulled back from Robert, snatching his wrists from Robert’s hold. “Well you _did_. It’s exactly what you did. You _hurt_ me. What do you care though, eh? You just do what you want. I thought you were the _one_ person who actually cared about how I felt.”

“I do. You _know _I do,” Robert said, a flare of anger hardening his voice.

“_Liar_,” Aaron said shakily. “If that were true, you would have told me what was going through your head, and we would have worked something out together.”

Robert shook his head, his words coming out ragged and desperate. “I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing you and losing you _over_ and _over_ for fourteen years, Aaron. Couldn’t cope with the guilt of stopping your life from moving on because of something _I _did.”

Aaron’s voice wavered when he asked, “Did you even think about asking me how I felt?”

“I know you,” Robert murmured. “Didn’t have to ask. Just had to make you hate me.”

“Just can’t help yourself, can you? You control if I get to see you, get to talk to you. You decide that my life is better without you. You decide that I’d be happier here than with _you_. Who do you think you are, eh?”

Robert moved towards Aaron, reaching out to calm him. “Aaron...”

“Get off me!” Aaron growled, throwing off Robert’s hand. Robert didn’t relent, reaching out again, only for Aaron to shove at his chest. “You gave up on us, Robert. You just gave up!”

Robert took a hold of him by his arms. “Aaron. Aaron, I _love_ you.”

“No,” Aaron said, struggling against him “You don’t. You _don’t.”_

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Robert said, and somehow he was pressed against Aaron, somehow holding onto him and whispering apologies against his throbbing temple.

“How could you do that to me?” Aaron asked, the grit in his voice disappearing, leaving it small, plaintive. Robert was wrapping his arms tight around him, murmuring _sorry_, murmuring love-yous.

“You think it was easy?” Robert whispered. “You have no idea what it did to me. I just...I couldn’t take your life away from you, Aaron. I know I hurt you, but...if there was a chance you could be happy, I couldn’t take that from you.”

“What it did to _you_, eh?” Aaron said thickly.

Robert pulled back, holding Aaron by his shoulders. “Remember I told you once you deserve to be happy? I _meant_ it. Living on the run, away from your home and your family, for something _I_ did. You deserved better.”

“Yeah?” Aaron said shakily. “Did you ever think that I all I wanted and _needed_ was you. _You_ took that away from me.”

His voice broke and he had to look away. Robert cupped Aaron’s face, turning it back so Aaron had to look at him. Robert nodded, tearfully telling Aaron, “You’re right. Okay? You’re right and you get to be right about everything from now on. I _promise_.”

Aaron shook his head, not wanting to look at Robert. “Yeah, ‘til the next time you decide to be an idiot.”

“Aaron,” Robert said quietly, so heartfelt that Aaron had to look at him. Robert was shaking his head, looking devastated. “Being so far away from you, hoping I might get to see you a few times a year...I couldn’t handle it. Just the thought of it was too much. I couldn’t expect you to live like that. It wasn’t fair.”

“I would have done it though,” Aaron said, his voice barely working. “Fourteen years? _Nothing_. I would have waited forty. I would’ve done _anything_ for you, Robert. You didn’t even let me try. You just...you just _left_ me.”

A fresh wave of grief hit him and for a moment it was if he was once again watching Robert giving himself up, watching him being taken away and out of his life. Aaron felt something in his chest giving, collapsing under the weight of his grief. He covered his face with his hands, his breath hitching before he couldn’t stop himself from breaking. Robert pulled him close and held him tight.

*****

“Here,” Robert said softly, coming back from the kitchen with a glass of water and handing it to Aaron.

Aaron sniffed, wiping at his cheeks with the end of his sleeve, before taking the glass. “Thanks.”

Robert sat back down next to him on the sofa, his gaze on Aaron. “You okay?”

“Some of the time,” Aaron answered honestly, putting his glass on the coffee table.

“And the rest?” Robert asked.

Aaron looked at him, wiping away a fresh stream of tears that trickled down his cheek. His voice had no backbone to it when he said, “Worried I’ll lose ya again.”

Robert took his hand. “You won’t. I _swear_.”

“And what if I do?” Aaron asked. “What then?”

“Then...I promise to always find my way back to ya,” Robert said. “Because I’m yours. As long as you’ll have me.”

Aaron stared at Robert through a blur of tears that made him glow like something magical. Maybe he was a bit. His promise seemed too big for any normal bloke to make. But this was Robert Sugden after all. Normal seemed too small, too mundane a word to describe him.

“Come here,” Robert said, pulling him close, both of them sitting back in the unburdened quiet of the Mill.

Robert was staring ahead, into his own mind, his eyes on the mantelpiece. Aaron followed his gaze to that same spot where their wedding photograph stood once, a perfect picture of happiness. For a moment, they both looked at the same spot and shared together what was lost, and what might take its place.


	11. Chapter 11

Time moved on, as was the way.

Seb and Rebecca went back to Australia. They had stood at the airport, the whole lot of them, wearing a collection of forced expressions so Seb could be happy about going home, happy about a good holiday. He’d hugged Aaron tight and Aaron had managed to keep it together. Not as well as Robert. No, Robert was a remarkable liar, the best. Anyone would think he was sending Seb off to camp.

“You look after your mum, eh?” Robert smiled at Seb, keeping the distance of a man waiting to be rejected.

Seb nodded at him, tentatively asking, “Can I come visit for Christmas?”

Robert’s eyes widened a fraction. He looked across at Rebecca, before nodding and saying, “Uh yeah. I mean, if it’s okay with your mum. You can come back to visit tomorrow as far as we’re concerned. Am I right?”

He’d looked at Aaron for confirmation. Aaron grinned and said, “Yeah, of course.”

Rebecca smiled at them. “I think that can be arranged.”

Robert nodded to Seb and said, “There you go. Christmas it is.”

Rebecca hugged both Aaron and Robert goodbye, her and Seb walking away. But Seb stopped, turning to frown at Robert. He went to Robert and gave him a hug that clearly surprised Robert, making him freeze before his arms came up slowly to hold his son tight. That mask of coping instantly showed all its cracks as he hugged Seb, telling him, “I love you, okay?”

Seb nodded, pulling back without looking at Robert. Aaron caught a glimpse of his down-turned mouth, something Robert missed as he turned his back so his son wouldn’t see the state of him. They were almost out of sight when Robert chose to look in their direction. That look of detachment was back for a moment, Robert leaving the present for some distant space of his own. Aaron went to him, took him by his hand and turned him around, pulling him into a hug.

“Come on,” Aaron said quietly. “Let’s go home, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Robert nodded, taking a shaky breath as they pulled apart. He looked at Aaron, with fresh eyes, pressing a chaste kiss to his mouth. “Home sounds good.”

*****

“How’s your Robert doing?” Aaron looked across at Eve who was perched there on the sofa looking like a mini-Chas, but with big round glasses.

“You sound like a ninety-year-old,” Aaron told her.

“Just being polite. He _is_ my brother-in-law. And I know he’s all sad because _Sebastian’s_ gone back to Australia. I’d be sad too. They’ve got deadly spiders, snakes, bees, sharks-”

“Yeah, enough, thanks,” Aaron said, holding up a hand. “How do you even know all this?”

“Read it in a book,” she said with a shrug. “_Deadliest Animals of the World.”_

“Oi. Missus. What are you doing in here? Thought I told you to go tidy that tip of a room,” Chas said, walking straight through to the kitchen and putting the kettle on. “Go on. Get up there. Now.”

Eve sulkily got up. “I was just talking to Aaron.”

“Well, you can do that when the contents of yours drawers and wardrobe aren’t lying all over the floor. Go on, go. Up,” Chas said, ushering her out of the room. She sat down next to Aaron once Eve was gone, sighing and asking him with a smile, “So. How’s your Robert doing?”

Aaron narrowed his eyes at her, his ears on Eve’s theatrically dramatic footsteps going up the stairs. “Um...yeah. Alright. He’s trying to find out if we can get away for a weekend or something. I was hoping France, but if not, even local would be good. We should get the go ahead. Pretty sure the can tell his shoveling people around the head days are over.”

Chas leaned forward, patting him on the leg as consolation for the holiday she expected they wouldn’t get. “Well, don’t give up hope. I’m sure they’ll see sense.”

“He’s been going to counseling,” Aaron said with a nod. “That’ll look good for him too. Not that I care about how it looks. Just glad he’s going. I told him I’d go back to too. Work some stuff out.”

Chas smiled, taking his hand. “That’s good, love. I’m proud of ya. Proud of you both as it happens. You know, you’ve been through so much. It’s time things started going your way, eh?”

Aaron nodded, but kept that one hope back in his heart. It was exactly when things started going right, they always seemed to start going wrong. A day of happiness at a time was enough for now.

*****

Robert was quiet. Counseling tended to do that to him. He’d return more closed off, distant for a day or two. He kept his reflections to himself and the results usually showed up in other ways. The way he listened when Aaron spoke. The way he tried to talk instead of drown his sorrows. The way he curbed his impulse to cover his anxieties with an _I’m fine_ or an _it’s nothing_. It was progress.

Aaron brought over two cups of tea and put them on the coffee table. Robert was sat on the sofa completely ignoring the TV, his eyes fixed beyond. Aaron nudged Robert’s knee with his own to get passage to his favoured size of the couch. Robert dropped his feet on the ground, letting Aaron sit down.

“Finally,” Aaron said, sitting back with a sigh. It had been a long and tiring day and Aaron intended to spend the rest of the evening moving as little as possible. “What’s on your mind? Gone all quiet on me.”

Robert shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Of course not,” Aaron said, reaching for his tea, taking a sip while it was nice and hot. He patted Robert’s thigh. “Was it that phone call with Seb? He’ll be back for Christmas. That’s only five months away.”

“It’s not that. I was just wondering,” Robert said angling his head in the direction of the mantelpiece, “about what happened to the picture. Did you bin it?”

Aaron blinked at him, before looking at the mantelpiece. His gaze dropped to his tea. Clearing his throat he said, “Smashed it. After you sent me the divorce papers.”

For a moment Aaron felt yanked back to that moment, the letter in his hands, that feeling of someone punching him in the chest. God, he hadn’t been able to breathe, doubling over and gasping until the tears took over. It felt so fresh it could have been yesterday. Aaron talked himself away from it. That was then. This was now. They both stared at the empty spot for a while, Aaron scratching at the rim of his mug of tea.

Robert sighed, reaching for Aaron’s knee. “I’m sorry.”

Aaron covered his hand. He’d started his own run of counseling. It meant instead of tripping and getting tangled up in all that old hurt again, all he said was, “I know.”

Offering a small apologetic smile, Robert said, “You know what we should do?”

Aaron looked at him silently, hoping Robert wouldn’t say something that was too frightening to think of right now. “What?”

“Take some new pictures,” Robert said. He grinned brightly. “When we go on holiday.”

“What?” Aaron stared at him. “Wait, they approved it?”

“Yup. Looks like they’re satisfied I’m not going to go on a murdering spree,” Robert said with a nod, not without a bitter twist to his mouth. “As long as I do it all by the book. Just need to pick a date now.”

Aaron put his tea down. Grinning, he all but launched himself at Robert, squeezing him hard enough to get a startled laugh out of him.

*****

They were both sitting outside the pub drinking down a cold pint each and making the most of the hot August weather. Robert was lost in his own thoughts, while Aaron was checking his phone and answering holiday related texts.

“November feels so faraway,” Aaron said. “Can’t we go before that? How much paperwork can there be?”

“I really don’t mind November. As long as we can go,” Robert said, not looking away from where his gaze was focused. “Though, I _was_ actually thinking about January.”

Aaron scowled at Robert. “That better not be in place of a birthday present.”

Robert laughed the comment off, his gaze still on Grace’s garden. Aaron followed it to see two small kids running in circles, their tired mum keeping an eye on them. Round and round they went, as if nothing was more amazing then the ability to just run around in a circle.

“Think we still have a chance of getting one of those?” Robert said with a small smile.

“Not unless you’re of thinking stealing one.” Aaron kept back the comment that two blokes with convictions were highly unlikely to be on the top of any surrogate’s list. Robert grinned at him suggestively. _Shamelessly. _Aaron shook his head. “Robert, we’re not stealing a kid. Well, not this close to home anyway.”

Robert grinned, grabbing Aaron by his arm and pulling him close for a kiss, murmuring, “Why don’t we go home and try to make one then?”

“I don’t know about you mate, but my biology don’t work like that,” Aaron said grinning back.

“No harm in having fun trying though, yeah?” Robert said, full of sunshine, full of sweetness and light and summer mischief. He got up and swaggered off in the direction the Mill. Aaron watched him for the joy of it for five seconds before he inevitably followed.

*****

“Never seen Robert look this happy before,” Vic told Aaron. They were both on the sofa, Robert and his namesake nephew busy making dinner.

Aaron felt a flutter of nerves kicking up in his chest. “Yeah. We just booked the holiday. November. We thought about January, but it meant rushing off after Christmas. Anyway, he’s really excited.”

“Nice. Where you going then?” Vic asked.

“Brittany,” Aaron said with a nod. “Booked a place at this little B&B. Been there loads of times. Run by this really nice couple. Thought I’d show him some of me favourite sights.”

“Bet you did,” Vic said with a sly smile.

“Shut up you,” Aaron said with a grin. “Anyway. You’re right. Haven’t seen him this happy since...I can’t even remember.”

They both turned their heads to look at Robert at the same time, Aaron feeling a swell of affection that left his eyes stinging. It was Harry who noticed him and Vic, rolling his eyes and poking Robert’s arm, telling him, “They’re doing it again, Rob.”

Robert just stood there smiling, soft and content, at his side his nephew rolling his eyes in a very Sugden manner.

*****

Time kept moving further and further from the point of Robert’s return.

But the past was strange. It was back there somewhere and yet it caught up with them again and again. In flares of anger. In bad dreams. In the constant reminders of what could have been, but never was. It was weird, Aaron thought, the way the past could do that, yo-yo back and forth out of their lives, and yet they couldn’t go back _there_ to fix everything that went wrong.

Aaron hadn’t thought about the box in the loft for a long time, letting it slide into the past like so much else. But there was Robert in their bedroom, staring at its tipped out contents. He was staring at his leather jacket, the one Aaron couldn’t get rid of, sitting at the foot of their bed, the jacket lying between Robert’s feet where his knees were drawn up, arms folded over them, a familiar watch clutched in one hand. He looked so haunted, his eyes showed into pale greys.

Aaron closed the bedroom door and sat down cross-legged against it, his eyes on the watch which stopped bothering with time years back. “What d’you go up in the loft for?”

“We used to keep all sorts of travel junk there,” Robert murmured. “Didn’t realise I’d find...well, me.”

Aaron felt tears spring to his eyes. Why’d Robert have to say something like that? Like...like Aaron had hidden him away, _buried_ him...why’d he have to say that? Aaron bit the inside of his unhappy mouth, he voice coming out constricted as he offered a broken, “I’m sorry.”

Aaron drew up his legs, folding his arms around his knees. His head fell forward and he hid his face and his tears. He could hear the quick movement of Robert untangling his limbs from where he sat, before feeling Robert at his side, his arm wrapping around Aaron’s shoulders and drawing him close, under some invisible wing, the feathers of which only Aaron could feel. 

“What you sorry for?” Robert whispered, his hand stroking up and down Aaron’s arm, the watch lying forgotten on the floor. 

Aaron lifted his head, peering at Robert sideways without looking into his eyes. He sniffed back the build up of tears and misery. “Dunno. For trying to hate ya. Forget ya. I tried so hard. Just made it worse. Because I knew why you were in there. I knew...what you gave up for me. So how _could_ I hate ya? I just...loved you _more_ and I couldn’t even tell you to your face.”

“So much for my plan to make you hate me,” Robert murmured.

Aaron did look at him this time, annoyed at himself for putting those taut lines around Robert’s mouth, making him feel disappointed in himself like that. “You told me I was strong. That I could get through anything. Well, I woulda been strong enough to run away with ya. Leave everything behind. And if we had a chance to do it again, I’d still choose to come with ya.”

“I know,” Robert said, nodding. “I know how stubborn you are, remember?”

“Robert,” Aaron said, “if things had been the other way around, if I was looking at life behind bars, I would have run, and I’d’ve been selfish enough to let you come with me.”

Robert smiled at him indulgently. Aaron knew Robert believed Aaron meant what he said, but he didn’t believe such a thing could actually happen – that someone might choose him. Robert told him all the same, “I’da come with ya.”

Aaron stared at him, dumbfounded. “Then why’d’ya not let me do the same?”

“Aaron,” Robert said with a sigh. “If you were on the run, I’d come with you because you’re all there is for me. The reason I never left this place. But you...you have a bigger life here than I ever did. Me? I never really felt like I belonged. Not until I met you. You…changed things, Aaron. You made me the kind of man who for once could face up to consequences instead of running away. A man who could stop being selfish and let go of someone he loves to give them a chance at a happy life. That meant not taking you away from the people you love. The people who love you.”

Aaron frowned at him. “You know I wanted you long before that, don’t you? I don’t love you _because _of who you’ve become, Robert. I love you because I don’t know how _not_ to.”

Robert pulled Aaron closer into his hold, deeper under that wing only Aaron felt, his gaze clear and earnest. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you had no choice in any of this. I felt so trapped, Aaron. The idea of not being there for you when you needed me, hurting _because _of me. I couldn’t handle it. The only power I had was to walk away. Offer you a chance a better life than the one you’d have married to me. It was the last thing I had left to give you...so I did. You know?”

Aaron nodded, mouth turning down under the weight of renewed sadness. “Yeah. I know.”

“But I’m here now,” Robert murmured. “With you, where I want to be. Where I’m _staying_.”

Robert kissed him, sealing his promise with a simple kiss.

*****

October came. It was strange.

When February had come, he and Robert were in a fragile space. There was no mention of first weddings or celebrating any anniversary. There was only a sad silence between them where neither could bring up the fact that a date had passed. Because so what? That date had passed unobserved for years. Aaron knew Robert didn’t mention it because he felt like he wasn’t allowed to, and Aaron hadn’t mentioned it because he couldn’t. Not without going off like a grenade.

But it was different now, wasn’t it? Aaron sighed into the dark. Why was it a big deal? Was it a big deal?

Robert groaned, rolling towards Aaron and slinging an arm over his chest. “Go to sleep. I can hear you thinking.”

“Yeah, and I can feel you tossing and turning what with me lying right next to ya,” Aaron said with a scowl.

Robert rolled away onto his back with a sigh, Aaron immediately missing the weight of his arm. Quietly, Robert asked, “What are you thinking about?”

“It's October,” Aaron said quietly.

“Three days to go,” Robert said, after a long thoughtful silence.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. He felt Robert nod next to him. Aaron pushed himself up onto an elbow, twisting to look at Robert as best as he could in the inky dark of their bedroom. “What are you thinking? I mean...should we be doing something? We didn’t in February.”

“That was different,” Robert said. “Everything was so..._tense_ back then. I wasn’t in my head. You were walking around like a rubber band about to snap and take out someone’s eye.”

“Now?” Aaron asked.

He saw the shadow of Robert’s head turn towards him. He thought he saw the glint of teeth. “Now...here we are.”

Aaron smiled. “You know what we should do?”

Robert pushed himself up on an elbow too, putting them face to face. “No. Go on. Tell me.”

*****

They did nothing.

They locked the front door. They put their phones on silent. They woke up late, indulging in each other’s bodies, hiding out in the sanctuary of their bed. They ate breakfast. They slept. They woke again, staring at each other in sleepy silence, until wakefulness made them want each other all over again and they took greedily from each other, without a care for time passing. Time could pass all it wanted.

Robert grinned up at Aaron kissing him sweet and slow, sliding his arms around Aaron’s shoulders and smoothly rolling them both and exchanging positions. Aaron lay under him, their legs sliding against each other, slotting together, both of them two pieces of the same puzzle. He closed his eyes and gave himself up to the drip drip drip of little kisses, chasing Robert’s mouth for more, growing impatient at playfulness stretching into unfair withholding.

“Rob,” he complained in a whisper caught between kisses.

Robert dragged his mouth to the spot under Aaron’s ear, nipping his earlobe before whispering something new, something that made Aaron’s eyes snap open. Aaron frowned at Robert, murmuring, “What was that?”

“You heard.” Robert grinned, cheeks pinked. “What? Aaron Dingle too hard for nicknames?”

Aaron shook his head. “No...it’s just...”

“What?” Robert said, looking intrigued, frowning, in wait of an answer. “Don’t like it?”

“I do,” Aaron said quietly. Perhaps...eagerly. There it was again. That feeling. Robert was right here and yet Aaron was missing him, missing all that time he didn’t have him. Aaron reached up to stroke a thumb down the line of Robert’s jaw, murmuring, “Such a soft lad.”

“Come here,” Robert said, moving against Aaron’s body, whispering into his ear again.

*****

“You all set for your weekend away then?” Vic was sat on the sofa, legs tucked under her, mug of tea in hand, Robert next to her with his eyes on his laptop screen.

“Yeah. It’s just two days, so we’re not taking much,” Aaron said, before amending, “Well, _I’m_ not taking much.”

“Funny,” Robert said.

“You going to show Rob your secret little French hideaways, Aaron?”

“Will you tell her to shut up?” Aaron said to Robert, as Vic laughed.

“Ah bless. He’s blushing, look,” Vic said, elbowing Robert.

Robert actually looked up and grinned. “You are a bit mate. It’s adorable.”

Aaron stared at him open-mouth. “You’re worse than her, you are.”

“Well, I do hope you both have a good time. Just, promise me one thing. Promise me you won’t come back married, because I’m pretty sure you two need to get married in the village every few years to make sure there’s a good harvest or summat,” Vic said with a grin.

That was funny as jokes went. Only Robert and Aaron were staring at each other, finally faced with the one thing neither of them had talked about.


	12. Chapter 12

Robert was sat leaning against the train window, elbow propped on the thin ledge, chin resting on his curled fist. He probably thought Aaron was still dozing. They’d taken a late train, intending to arrive in time for dinner and bed, with two full nights and days in Brittany before they’d head back on a morning train. Aaron had nodded off for a bit, not having slept a wink the night before, lying there awake until his taut anxiety had somehow snapped Robert right of his sleep. Aaron felt bad about it. Robert had never been one to oversleep, one of them early bird types, but his sleep was brittle these days and easily broken.

“You awake?” Robert mumbled.

“Thinking about what Vic said,” Aaron murmured.

“Aaron.” Robert sighed, sounding so tired Aaron felt guilty twice over. “She was messing about. Don’t worry yourself. We’ve done it twice. I get why you wouldn’t want to do it again.”

Aaron frowned. “You do?”

“Yeah of course,” Robert said. “We’re flipping _jinxed_.”

“Feels like it,” Aaron said after a moment’s pause. “So...do you not want to then?”

Robert sighed again, rolling close to Aaron, finding a spot to rest his head on Aaron’s shoulder, slurring his way back into sleep. “Aaron, I’d marry you a million times if I could.”

Aaron stared at Robert’s asleep-again head on his shoulder. He hadn’t been expecting a _million_ proposals.

They didn’t speak about it over breakfast. Not out loud. They evaded each other’s glances, offering each other little polite smiles. Robert had placed toast and tea in front of Aaron with a tentative, “Alright?”

“Yeah, ‘course,” Aaron lied. He wasn’t alright. He was nervous, and he wasn’t hiding it well because Robert’s gaze flitted to Aaron’s hands, the thumb of one hand scratching at the skin of the other. So Aaron had shrugged and said, “Bit nervous about this trip though.”

Robert looked relieved with that admission, dragging a chair to sit close to Aaron. “I know. Me too. Feels weird, doesn’t it?”

It did feel weird. What if someone stopped them? What if someone told Robert he couldn’t go? Aaron would have to look at Robert, see his devastation. He was _so_ happy, and that happiness seemed so delicately balanced on this day. “It’ll be alright, won’t it? We’ve handed over all the information.”

“It’ll be fine,” Robert said with a nod. Smiling brightly he said, “The best.”

He leaned forward, pressing his mouth to Aaron’s, kissing away all known and unknown doubts from Aaron’s mind. Aaron smiled against Robert’s lips, his mind slip-sliding between _this is good_ and _but what about_ and _no, this is good. _

*****

They left Emmerdale. The sky did not fall.

They left Leeds. The sky did not fall.

The train went into the dark of the Channel Tunnel. Aaron could only hear the sound of the train, not of the sky crashing into the sea.

He looked across at Robert who seemed to be staring at his reflection in the window which had turned into a black mirror inside the dark of the tunnel. When he turned to look at Aaron, it was with a soft little smile, part relief, but contentment.

Aaron could almost hear the clanging of a prison gate being shut somewhere behind them.

*****

They arrived in Brittany after five, the sky an inky black, heading straight for a small B&B in Morbihan, which had a small English town feel about it. Aaron had remembered feeling a little less out place here than somewhere like Paris where he had never really quite fit in. Morbihan felt a little like Hotten, but maybe in another universe, one where Robert hadn’t gone to prison. He was just...out on business a lot.

The cab stopped outside the long rectangular brick building that was their B&B, Robert getting out of the taxi to look up at the sign which read _Chez Liza_. He cast an eye over the building, which even in the dark looked pretty ordinary, warm lights behind the dark windows, the brickwork painted white, the lit up sign in red with black lettering that had fancy gold bits. Robert took both their wheelie cases in hand, nodding towards the doors.

“Come on then,” he said. “Lead the way.”

Aaron’s face went hot the second they went in because the reception was manned by the couple who owned the place and their faces lit up at the sight of him. _Liza_ came right for him, giving him a warm hug. She was in her early sixties, energetic and bubbly, her hair dyed black and in a complex do atop her head, a little smoky eye-shadow around her sparkling blue eyes, her frame fit and full. She’d reminded Aaron of Faith when he first met her, just a little less chaotic. _A little_ less chaotic.

Her husband, a few years older, was a barrel-chested bloke called Andre. He was around Robert’s height, with a thicket of grey/white hair, intense dark eyes and wine-pinked round cheeks. When Liza let go of Aaron, he extended both his hands towards Aaron’s face and proceeded to kiss each cheek, calling him _my boy_ and telling him it had been _too long, too long! _Meanwhile, Robert watched the whole display with a look of gleeful astonishment, as if Aaron had brought a talking dog to the dinner table.

Aaron proceeded to tell them _yes, this is Robert_. Liza looked thrilled, looking him up and down, before nudging Aaron. Andre did the manly thing and clapped Robert on the shoulder with one hand and extended the other for a sturdy handshake, whilst Aaron told Robert, “Rob, this is Andre and his wife Liza. They own this place. They’re good friends.”

Liza went a little dewy-eyed, whilst Andre said, “So you are his Robert! Liza, finally we meet this man. Good looking, like a movie star!”

In French he asked Liza if she thought he was a little moody looking like some French bloke Aaron had no idea about. Liza laughed and said moody wasn’t the word she’d use.

“You two mind?” Aaron said, watching them rabbit on about Robert in front of his face. Liza grinned at him, telling him she’d sort their room out, whilst Andre took their luggage off them, insisting on taking it up despite Robert offering to help.

Left alone in the small lobby, Aaron let out a sigh before turning his head to find Robert grinning at him. Aaron warned him, “Don’t.”

*****

They took some time to settle in and put their things away, mostly because Robert couldn’t stop winding Aaron up about how Andre’s handshake was unnecessarily tight, and whether Chas knew there was someone trying to adopt her son. Aaron took the teasing to mean he could shower first, not having any of it when he came out and Robert tried to grab for the towel around Aaron’s waist and then make a grab for him.

“I’ve got a table booked,” Aaron told him, laughing at the way Robert was pulling Aaron closer and grinning like an idiot. Aaron leaned up and kissed him, sensibly chaste, telling him, “Rob, seriously. _Later_.”

“Hold you to that,” Robert said, letting him go and heading off to shower. Aaron pulled a face once he was gone, immediately wishing Robert was back putting his hands all over Aaron.

Smart blazers and shirts on, they both stood in front of a long mirror in the corner of the room, checking themselves out. Aaron turned to Robert with a frown, smoothing down the front of his own shirt and asking, “You sure this looks alright? Don’t think I ironed it properly.”

“Looks fine. Come on,” Robert said, giving Aaron a quick peck on the mouth before picking his coat and Aaron’s winter jacket, moving towards the door and opening it, telling Aaron. “Sooner we leave, sooner we can get back.”

_Idiot_, Aaron thought fondly.

It was a thirty minute walk to the restaurant, and a nice night for it. The air was cold, but there was quiet and calm all around them and the sky looked a silky black, stars blinking who knew how many millions and billions of light years away. The moon looked huge for some reason, like a big yellow lantern, the kind one of them old French painters might have noticed and wanted to paint. It was nice, Aaron thought, really nice. Not as nice as the feeling of Robert idly taking Aaron’s hand in his as they walked down the quiet street, that one simple warm touch taking away the bite of the late November cold.

The restaurant was one Aaron liked. Andre and Liza had taken him there a few times on recent getaways. It was small, discreet, not too fancy. The furniture made him think of an over the top living room that hadn’t been decorated in a few decades, everything dark wood and deep burgundy fabrics, small framed paintings on the walls of cobbled streets and buildings, randoms standing around looking at the sea, boats and yachts, all in the same style.

The food was good though, or at least Aaron had thought it was. The wine, not that he had any taste in these matters, he thought was good too. So he sat opposite Robert at their little square table with its white tablecloth, a candle in the middle, watching him as he tasted his food and drank his wine, waiting for him to be bowled over, or be at least a little pleasantly surprised.

“Good?” Aaron asked, noting that Robert was looking around. It probably wasn’t Robert’s kind of good, Aaron thought.

Robert smiled at him, nodding. “Yeah, brilliant. Good food. _Love_ the wine. Good choice.”

“Yeah?” Aaron said brightly. He nodded. “Glad you approve.”

Robert took another taste of his wine, frowning at the glass in his hand before putting it down and turning that frown on Aaron. “You must have spent a lot of time here. I mean, not _here_ in the restaurant. But...here.”

Aaron drank some of his wine, using the pause to say the right thing and not _well, you kind of made me hate being in Emmerdale without you_. Putting the glass down, he said, “Wasn’t great not having you about.”

“Oh...right,” Robert said with a nod. “Sorry.”

Aaron shrugged. “Not exactly the worst place to go and hide though, is it?”

Robert smiled, casting another look at their surroundings, his gaze going from table to table, diner to diner. “How, um, how did you find this place? It’s...not exactly a meal for once place, is it?”

Aaron looked around the moderately sized space with its small tables, mostly occupied by twos, and a rare four. It clicked what Robert was asking. _Who_ had Aaron been here with?

“Andre and Liza recommended it. We ate here a few times,” he said flatly. He picked up his wine glass and downed half the contents. “I thought you might like it.”

“Oh,” Robert said quietly. A frown fleetingly touch his forehead before it was gone and he was nodding, _pretending_ he hadn’t asked what he had, and under the illusion that Aaron hadn’t heard the real question. “It’s nice. It’s really nice actually.”

Aaron wanted to snort that _actually_ Robert had kind of ruined that now.

*****

Eleven years Aaron had spent feeling hollow and incomplete without Robert, and here Robert was wondering if Aaron had been wining and dining some other bloke in expensive French restaurants. They spent their walk back through town in virtual silence, much like the rest of dinner, Aaron walking at a quick pace to get back, his head feeling heavy with too much wine.

“Aaron, wait up. What’s the rush?” Robert said, grabbing his arm. They were on a virtually empty street where most of the shops except for a restaurant were closed. It was almost pitch black dark. In the distance was either the actual sound of the sea, or Aaron’s remembered sound. Either way, it was oddly calming at his back. “Are you...are you cross with me?”

Aaron shrugged, his expression neutral, but his heart very much asking, _what do you think?_

Robert sagged, eyes closing with embarrassment. He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

“That’s not like you at all, is it?” Aaron said, earning a small reproachful look at the sarcasm. “I was here because you broke my heart, Robert. Not looking for a hook up.”

Robert nodded, before opening his dumb mouth and saying, “That place _was_ definitely too nice for a hookup.”

Aaron rolled his eyes and turned around, continuing to walk back towards the B&B, letting out a bitter laugh. “I don’t even know why I bother. If you’re not being an idiot, then everything’s just a joke, innit? Know what’s really a joke? Me. _I’m_ just a mug who never learns-”

Robert grabbed him by his elbow and twisted him around, telling him, “Will you shut up? I just...I had a moment of madness, okay? I imagined you sitting there across the table looking like...like _this_ with some other bloke and...and it was _awful. _I _hated_ it. Couldn’t stand the thought of you sitting there with some _muppet_. And I’m sorry...for being an idiot.”

Aaron frowned up at Robert in confusion before a small smile spread across his face. He let out a surprised huff. “You were getting jealous over some bloke who never actually existed?”

Robert let go of Aaron, rolling his eyes. “You don’t have to make it sound like I’m crazy.”

“Oh my god, you were.” Aaron couldn’t help but laugh. Robert gave him a look, but he was grinning too, and then he was grabbing at Aaron, fingers poking his ribs whilst Aaron tried to move out of reach, laughing just at the notion of a ticklish touch. “Alright alright! Stop.”

Robert stopped, but didn’t let him go, pulling him close. “It’s not funny. I had a proper little crisis.”

“It is a bit,” Aaron said, resting his hands on Robert’s forearms. “You _divorced_ me so I could be happy with someone else. You can’t even handle me being with some bloke you made up in your own head.”

“I’ve got layers,” Robert said, shrugging off eleven years of prison and misery with a simple lift of the shoulder. _There you are_, Aaron thought, _there’s Robert. _He didn’t have to stay, this Robert, but it made Aaron’s heart feel as light as a feather to know this Robert was still in there somewhere, prison unable to extinguish his absolute lack of shame.

*****

They got back to their room feeling handsy, laughing at nonsense and trying to steal kisses from each other. Aaron had Robert up against the door as soon as they got inside, pushing and pulling at clothes, getting through layers to taste and touch Robert’s skin as soon as possible. Robert was in his boxers when he decided to take charge, getting Aaron out of his blazer and shirt, kissing him all the way down onto the bed, before pulling off his trousers and his boxers in a series of impatient tugs.

He crawled on top of Aaron, slotting himself between Aaron’s thighs, helping Aaron to get rid of the last offending item of clothing, Robert’s own boxers which finally he kicked off when hands couldn’t reach them anymore. It prompted them both to start laughing again. Everything seemed to be going great until Aaron realised that while Robert was kissing Aaron, his arm was flailing out off the side of the bed for something.

Aaron finally got frustrated and asked, “What you doing?”

“Finding the light switch,” Robert said, covering Aaron’s next question with his mouth. They’d just bulldozed their way into the room without bothering with the lights and of course now Robert wanted them on and was looking for the switch near the bed.

“Mmmphh,” Aaron managed, before pulling his mouth away. “Leave it. Your hand could be doing much better things.”

“Wanna see you,” Robert said, rolling his hips against Aaron, making him moan and shudder.

“Robert, stop messing about,” Aaron panted, biting his lip when Robert did the same thing again, but this time a little harder, creating a little explosion of heat and friction. “Rob-”

Something crashed to the floor from the bedside table and they both stilled. Someone in the room next door was banging on the wall, but nothing else happened. No one came knocking. Robert whispered, “Okay. Fine. It’s not like I don’t know what you look like naked.”

Aaron laughed, prompting another bang on the wall, Robert trying to stifle the sound by covering Aaron’s mouth and shushing, only to start laughing himself.

*****

Aaron dreamed of dreaming. He dreamed that he was walking along a familiar seashore and he was looking out at the waves under an evening sky, and beside him was an empty space where he had briefly imagined Robert to be walking with him. He dreamed that there had been no real homecoming, just an imagined one, wishful thinking where his sleep used to be. Robert was still far away from him and no matter how loud Aaron called out his name, the water just swallowed up his cries, Robert remaining unaware and out of reach.

*****

Aaron awoke with a start, grimacing where he lay for a second, trying to get his bearings. Average sized white room with white furnishings and a big painting of the sea, and Robert lying under the duvet with only the top of his head showing. Right. He was caught up. Aaron’s head was aching in that way where it might turn into a big headache, or be gone as soon as he got up. Either way, it made him close his eyes and swallow a groan. He turned onto his side, inching towards the middle of the bed until he could spoon up behind Robert, burrowing deeper under the duvet, one hand slipping beneath their now shared pillow, the other finding a place on Robert’s chest, Aaron’s arm curled around him. He pressed his cheek to the back of Robert’s shoulder, letting his eyes drift shut. Not for too long though, because Robert’s hand had moved to cover his, which meant he was awake now.

“We should go down for breakfast,” he said, his voice a quiet croak. Aaron didn’t budge or make a sound. Robert squeezed his hand. “Aaron. Come on.”

Aaron moved his head, pressing his mouth against the skin of Robert’s shoulder before pulling away and murmuring, “I have a better idea, but it involves me staying in bed and getting breakfast anyway.”

There was some resistance to that idea, but Robert eventually went when he realised Aaron wasn’t going to budge. Aaron rolled across the bed until he lay in a cocoon made of the duvet, floating back to sleep. He blinked awake as Robert came back into the room, holding a wooden tray one handed, looking like a wet dream in good jeans and a blue sweater, his hair in quick-gelled disarray. He looked much tastier than whatever was for breakfast. Aaron watched him sleepily as he put the tray aside for a moment, before dragging the small round coffee table from the other side of the room until it was next to the bed. He placed the tray holding coffee, pastries, and fruit on the table carefully and then sat down on the edge of the bed, slapping his hand down hard on Aaron’s hip.

“Breakfast. Is served,” Robert said.

“Took your time,” Aaron remarked. “Make it yourself did ya?”

“Nope. Got talking to Liza. She loves a good chinwag does Liza,” Robert said. Aaron glared at Robert, but it seemed to embolden his smugness. “Thinks you’re adorable, she does.”

“Shut up,” Aaron said.

Robert was watching his fingers picking at a thread in the criss-crossing pattern sewed into the duvet cover. “She said...when she met you, she’d never seen anyone look so sad. Said she hoped I was worth it.”

Aaron snorted. “She’s one to talk. Andre’s not exactly Mr. Perfect.”

Robert looked up at him with a grin, pulling at the duvet to get it from underneath Aaron. “Come on, get up and have some breakfast.”

Aaron made a face. He knew for fact that if they just stayed here, Brittany wouldn’t be going anywhere either. But Robert stood up and tugged at the duvet with both hands. Aaron struggled as long as he could, but then the duvet escaped from under him, no longer a cocoon but back to its mundane blanket-like status. By then, they were laughing and Robert had been distracted by how naked Aaron was under that duvet. He seemed to forget about breakfast too, crawling on top of Aaron to kiss him. Aaron grinned into the kiss, pleased, and brought the duvet back over both of them.

Breakfast could wait.


	13. Chapter 13

It was hard avoiding the temptation to just stay lying in bed, trading pastry-sweet kisses in the glare of the approaching noon sun that was filling up the whole room with bright light. But despite his plans, Aaron wasn’t opposed to finding the time for indulgence. He and Robert deserved it, didn’t they, the use and abuse of time? No one could blame him for wanting to stay put where he lay bracketed between Robert’s drawn up legs, leaning against his chest and stomach, getting an eyeful of Robert’s upside down grinning face whenever he glanced up from his phone.

Finishing his text to Liv, Aaron wondered if this might have been their life in some other universe. Him and Robert in some small room somewhere in France, the uncertainty of the future meaningless because they had each other. Maybe in this other universe they had eleven years of wasteful bliss, moving from some small one room hideaway to a flat, then maybe a cottage, the two of them living for each other. It wouldn’t have been a bad life, would it? Eleven years without Robert had taught Aaron only one lesson: he didn’t want a life that didn’t have Robert in it.

As if Robert knew Aaron’s thoughts were drifting into murky waters, he leaned forward into Aaron’s eye-line and dipped his head, pressing a kiss to Aaron’s forehead. “You think we’re done lounging about?”

Aaron nodded slowly, murmuring, “Yeah.”

“What’s on the agenda then?” Robert asked. 

Aaron smiled, looking away as he reached out to cup Robert’s bare knobbly knee. “You’ll see.”

“Sounds interesting,” Robert said, sounding like he was grinning. “Big surprise is it?

Aaron sat up, twisting around to face Robert. He leaned forward slowly, placing a soft teasing kiss against Robert’s amused smile. When he pulled back, he looked into Robert’s eyes and told him very quietly. “I think we’re done lounging about.”

With that, he was out of bed and heading to the shower. He looked over his shoulder to catch Robert frowning at him with a small grin on his face. Strange, Aaron thought as he stepped into the bathroom. He felt as if he’d been in this moment before. Or maybe in this feeling before. It was something old, something hopeful and happy. It carried on as they changed to go out, moving around each other full of smirks and smiles, lighthearted and plain stupid.

Had they ever had this? They must have. There were moments when the world around them hadn’t pushed them into chaos. Was it back when they were sneaking about in hotel rooms and barns? No...there was their lay-by where Robert had sat smiling at Aaron, opening his heart without hurt this time, both of them proposing to each other, jinxing themselves like the idiots they were. 

The morning after that day..._that_ morning, it had been just like this one. Soft, slow and quiet. Robert was filled with a bright happy energy, all hands and kisses, making Aaron laugh and smile. That morning had felt like it could last forever – Aaron had wished it would. _This_ morning, it felt a strange extension of _that_, as if everything in between had been an eleven year long broken sleep made of nightmares. Maybe this was their moment of waking then, the start of their new day.

Aaron glanced at himself in the mirror, all decked in black, his insides filled with light.

*****

Robert kept glancing at him as they both made their way down the stairs. Aaron frowned at him. “What?”

“Nothing. Just looking. Can look, can’t I?” Robert said with a smirk and a shrug.

“Can do plenty more mate,” Aaron replied with a wink, prompting a delighted cackle out of Robert, his eyes sparkling with surprise.

They came out into the small lobby where Andre was standing in wait like he was waiting for the Queen or something, looking about as subtle as a bloke who had no idea how to handle a secret. His eyes widened in a terrible attempt at silently communicating with Aaron, who sighed and fractionally turned away from Robert, scratching at his eyebrow to glare at Andre.

Luckily Liza came out and distracted Robert with questions about how long he and Aaron had taken to have breakfast, _what was taking so long, eh? _Aaron broke off mid conversation with Andre to turn to her with a quick, “Aghhh okay, stop...just stop.”

“Just, as you say, making conversation,” Liza said with a sly smile, being about as subtle as...well, Andre.

Aaron glanced at Andre, asking him with a raise of his eyebrows if everything was ready. Andre just stared at him. Aaron shook his head, muttering, “Oh my god. Andre? Have ya...you know, done the _thing_?”

Andre looked a little offended at the possibility of his not having done _the thing_, offering up a gruff smattering of, “Oh la la la la. Oui, of course!”

Aaron glanced back to see Robert watching the exchange, laughing quietly. Aaron grabbed his hand. “Alright, stop laughing, you. Come on, outside.”

Well, half the surprise was ruined as Robert knew something was up. Aaron saw Liza excitedly moving towards Andre and hanging onto his arm, and Robert had seen it too, frowning at Aaron. “Please tell me you haven’t stolen a baby.”

“Well, depends on your definition of baby, dunnit?” Aaron said, pulling Robert along.

It was windy out, a strong breeze whipping open Robert’s coat and somehow sneaking through Aaron’s zipped up jacket. Didn’t matter, of course. It could be as cold as it was possible to get. Aaron felt warm inside out as he lead Robert down the street before coming to a stop with a pleased grin as he gestured to the silver Porsche gleaming by the curb, stopping Robert dead in his tracks.

Robert stared at the car, frozen stiff, eyes and mouth wide in shock. When the shock wore off, his face scrunched up as if he might ask a question, but then his mouth clamped shut and he just turned turned to stare at Aaron with such a soft look that Aaron suddenly didn’t feel so smug. He just felt...a little deeper in love with Robert than he already was. He smiled and said, “Surprise. I’m guessing it’s a girl.”

Robert grinned at him and turned back to the car, reaching out to smooth his fingers along the edge of the roof. He let out a breathless laugh. “I thought…”

“What? That I’d really scrap this?” Aaron said. “Thought about smashing its windows, but that’s about it.”

“No,” Robert said, shaking his head. “Not scrap it. I just thought you might get rid of it, sell it off. Didn’t think you’d want this in your face every day.”

“I didn’t,” Aaron said with a shrug. “When I brought it back to the Mill, it just felt like...like you were still there. Like any second you were going to get into this and drive off to work. I couldn’t look at it just sitting there. But I couldn’t let it go either. So, I brought it over here one summer.”

“Please tell me Andre’s not been driving this around,” Robert said with a small smile.

Aaron grimaced at him. “He might have taken Liza out once or twice.”

Robert seemed to think about that. “Fair enough. Liza’s actually alright.”

Aaron smiled, nodding in agreement. Robert was looking at him, smiling and keeping his thoughts to himself. Aaron stuck his hands in his pockets, taking a deep breath as he rocked back and forth on his heels. “So...you want to go for a little ride?”

Robert looked at the car, still looking a little stunned. Nodding, he turned his head to look back at Aaron with a blinding smile which gave Aaron the answer he was looking for.

*****

Aaron wasn’t sure if he liked the sense of time lost being replaced by déjà vu, though it also wasn’t exactly a terrible feeling to feel as if he was back in a better place, one where the future felt spread out in front of him and Robert, laid out for their taking. He sat in the passenger seat of the car, watching as Robert drove with an immovable smile on his face, the sun shining on them it seemed wherever they went. When they finally came to a stop, Robert sat back with a sigh, hands on his thighs, eyes on the steering wheel, lost in thought for a moment. He just kept shaking his head, a loose grin hanging slanted across his mouth.

“What?” Aaron asked.

Robert frowned at Aaron. “Aaron...I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t have to say anything,” Aaron said with a shrug. “It’s not even a present, really, is it? I mean, it’s yours.”

“I just...” Robert stopped, shaking his head again. He looked at Aaron in a way that felt skin deep...soul deep. “I’ve never had someone love me this much. It’s…I don’t deserve-”

“You do. Every ounce of it,” Aaron said, the words coming out in a hushed rush fired by a flare of anger. “Don’t ever say you don’t.”

Robert leaned across the gearbox, pressing a kiss to Aaron’s mouth, stroking his fingers down Aaron’s jaw. When they parted, he pulled back and frowned at Aaron. “So...d’you have Lachlan in the boot as well then?”

Aaron grinned at him. “No. _Though_, I do have something else.”

*****

The _something_ Aaron was talking about was a huge red boxy bag that Liza had filled with supplies. Aaron made sure not to use specific words to describe the nature of supplies and the manner in which they’d be used, but Robert, being smart and all, very quickly caught on and said, “We’re going on a picnic.”

“No,” Aaron turned his nose up at the idea. “Just gonna sit by the sea, have some bread and cheese, some wine, some coffee.”

“That sounds like a picnic,” Robert said with a grin. “Only, you know, _French_.”

“Mate, it’s not a picnic,” Aaron assured him.

“Is there a blanket in there?” Robert asked, pointing at the bag in the boot. Aaron blinked in answer. “Yeah, that’s a picnic mate.”

“Sorry, but did you _want_ to sit on the sand and be hungry?” Aaron posed the question quite seriously.

“No?” Robert replied smartly.

“Well, then, shut up and start walking,” Aaron said, ending the bickering right there, Robert still looking pleased and picking up the bag out of the boot.

It was too cold for beach dwellers, so the shore stretched out ahead of them with plenty of empty spaces to set down. They walked along, smiling and feeling silly, making each other laugh. Robert was all pink-cheeked and golden-haired, the wind ruffling through his short strands where Aaron’s fingers had been this morning. He looked so unburdened it made Aaron feel light enough to drift up off the ground and float away.

Robert seemed unbothered by the cold in his grey wool coat, though Aaron was beginning to feel the chill, despite being bundled into his black winter jacket. The lure of nipping into a cafe and just spending the afternoon lounging around there with Robert was strong. However, this place had been witness to Aaron’s loneliness so many times, and he wanted to make his peace with it, bringing Robert with him to tell the sea and the shore and the stars that he wasn’t alone anymore.

He let out a little growl, giving himself a shake as they walked along. "Freezing innit?"

“Well, Brittany in winter generally is,” Robert said with a nod. He transferred the picnic bag to this other hand, extending his free arm. "Come here, soft lad."

Aaron tucked his hands into his pockets, whilst ducking under Robert's arm. Robert asked him, “Better?”

_A million times_, Aaron’s heart sang, as he nodded and said, “Yeah. A bit.”

“This where you met Liza then?” Robert asked. “She said it was down on the beach.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said with a nod. “I was miserable. She was miserable. We had a smoke together. She spoke in bad English, I spoke in even worse French. But somehow, we knew exactly what to say to each other.”

Robert was looking at the waves rolling in, tightening his hold around Aaron’s shoulders. He pressed a kiss to Aaron’s temple and told him, “I’m glad you found each other.”

*****

They picked part of the beach where the shore was gradually giving up space to a smattering of rocks. Robert laid down the large blanket Liza had them on a spot Aaron knew well. He had spent a lot of time here over the years, swimming through the chaos of his thoughts as he tried to find a way back to forgiving Robert, remembering him without anger, loving him without condition. It was all there in that water, all his hurt, somewhere at the bottom of the seabed, nestled inside a seashell and becoming a part of some future fossil.

The settled down on the blanket, going for the thermos of coffee first, ignoring bread and cheese in favour of fresh croissants. As blissful as the hot coffee and still warm croissants were, watching Robert drinking and closing his eyes as he savoured the taste was even better. He looked free. Not like a man waiting to have his freedom snatched back at a moment’s notice. Aaron smiled, looking away before Robert could catch him.

“Came here loads when you were on the inside,” Aaron said, looking out at all the blues and greys of the sea from where he sat with his legs loosely drawn up and crossed at the ankles, his arms circled around them. “Walked on the beach. Walked around town. Sat indoors. Wondered what you were doing. If you were alright.”

Robert was lying on his side, propped up on an elbow, nodding. “I was. Most of the time. Just tried to keep busy, forcing time to go by quicker. Thought about you a lot, obviously.”

“Yeah?”

“All the time,” Robert said, eyeing the waves. “There wasn’t a single day that went by I didn’t think of you. Even wrote you some letters.”

“I never got them,” Aaron said, upset lifting its curious head in his mind, ready to run riot.

“I never sent them,” Robert said with a nod. “It just...it made me feel like I was talking to you.”

“What happened to them?” Aaron tried not to think about years of recordings he had stowed away, his own letters of anger, sadness and love. Did Robert need to revisit that time through Aaron’s pain? Did Aaron need to revisit it? Maybe one day, Aaron thought. One day in the future.

Robert opened his mouth to say something but then stalled, eyes closing, mouth working uselessly. Scowling, he said, “I’m not sure-”

“It’s okay,” Aaron said. “I don’t…you don’t have to show me them. Not unless you want to. I get it.”

“You do?” Robert asked with a searching look.

“Yeah. You probably said things in them you wouldn’t be able to say to my face. I get it,” Aaron said quietly. “Just keep your nose clean so you don’t end up back inside writing more of them letters though.”

“Bit a rich coming from you, isn’t it?” Robert said with a wry smile. “Cain brought me up to speed on some of your criminal exploits while I was away. Nicking cars, selling parts. Using the haulage business to transport stolen goods. That’s some serious criminal activity there, Aaron.”

“Yeah, well it was-” Aaron started.

“Impressive,” Robert said with a grin, catching Aaron momentarily off guard.

Aaron laughed as Robert poured more them both more coffee. Taking another pleased gulp, he said, “You know, when I was inside, sometimes when it got too much, I’d imagine I was somewhere else.”

Aaron frowned into his little coffee cup. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Robert said with a nod. “I’d close my eyes at night, try to block everything out and I’d think of us carrying on with our life...in that chateau by the river. Remember we talked about it?”

Robert was grinning at him. Aaron offered up an unsteady smile, nodding. “Yeah, of course I do. So...did it work out? In your head? Or did we end up starving to death?”

“Um...yeah,” Robert said with a chuckle. “I mean, once we realised a chateau costs a pretty penny and downsized our dream a little bit, it wasn’t too bad. We both got jobs. You as a mechanic. Me as an overqualified sous chef.”

“Whoa, wait. Why weren’t _you_ a mechanic?” Aaron asked throwing up a hand.

“Don’t look as good as you in overalls, do I?” Robert said with a grin. Aaron stared at him, teetering between taking the piss or laughing. He ended up shaking his head and laughing. “Anyway, then I sorted out something better and we moved out of our tiny little one bedroom apartment into a swish townhouse.”

“Nice,” Aaron said, impressed. “You obviously sorted out a bank to rob as well.”

“Details,” Robert said. “Anyway, once we were settled, had a little disposable income, motorbike, cheeky little convertible maybe, it was all long drives, picnics, late dinners in tiny bistros, spending half our days in bed. Eating fresh croissants. Drinking gourmet coffee...to keep our energy up.”

Aaron laughed, looking away from the bright shine of Robert’s ridiculous smile, telling him, “You’re mad you are.”

“Maybe. But it kept me sane in prison. Dreaming of you and this made up life together.” Aaron unfolded his legs, leaning on one hand as he tipped towards Robert, offering up a gentle kiss. Robert smiled at him. “Thanks for bringing me here. It's like...like time moves slower here. Like maybe we can catch up on all the years we weren't together.”

Aaron looked out at the sea. He felt something too, like he was back in time, walking down this same shore where his heart, which was even less smart than his mind, and dazedly searched for Robert despite knowing where he was. Only, now Robert was here and it was like being in a fulfilled dream, an altered reality. It felt like someone had taken pity on them and stolen back just a little bit of the time they had lost. 

“We should come back here again,” Robert said.

“Yeah?” Aaron peered closely at Robert. “You think?”

“Definitely,” Robert said. 

“Good.” Aaron told him. Nodding, he said, “I want to show you something.”

*****

There came a point on the shore where if you looked up you could see the rise of hills and homes in the distance. Aaron lead Robert up a path which made them trip and collide against each other a little, but they clasped hands, caught each other before falling, kept each other upright and moving forward. They went up the roll of one hill, down, and then up the roll of another until a fence and a hedge came into view.

Beyond the fence was a garden: small, neat, with an iron cast table and chairs, a small tree made almost bare by winter in the corner where the hedge met the long wooden gate. There was at the end of the garden a cottage made of old stone. Aaron had been struck by how much it had looked from afar like the Mill. Close up it was only a third of the size, most the similarity a trick of the light.

Aaron could see Robert had seen the similarity too. He turned to grin at Aaron. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Aaron said with a grin. “Weird innit?” 

They both stood next to each other, leaning on the gate, staring at the cottage. Robert scowled at the place. “It’s like someone shrunk it.”

“That’s what I thought when I saw it about ten years ago,” Aaron said with a nod. “Garden was all overgrown. You could tell the roof needed doing from a mile away. Belonged to an old fella. His wife passed away years back and he was just...he said he was waiting for her.”

Robert looked across at Aaron, expression flattened out into surprise and sadness. “Why’d he tell you that?”

“Saw me hanging about staring at his house, didn’t he? Offered me some wine. Gave me some food. I fixed his door for him. It was doing this weird...sticking thing,” Aaron said with a shrug. “I suppose he was a bit lonely. Lonely enough to speak bad English with a bloke speaking even worse French.”

“Think I just fell in love with you again, Aaron Dingle,” Robert said quietly. Aaron rolled his eyes, telling Robert to shut up, but Robert shook his head. “I’m serious. Right there when you were helping out some old French coot with his door, drinking his wine.”

“He gave me some bread and cheese too actually,” Aaron said, prodding the bottom of the gate with the tip of his boot as Robert laughed. Aaron took a steadying breath and unlatched the gate and pushed it open. Robert was frowning at him as Aaron took his hand and lead him into the garden. “Come on.”

Robert had questions poised on his parted mouth, but he didn’t say anything, just following with curiosity until Aaron let go of his hand to take out a pair of keys, proceeding to unlock the door. Opening it, he angled his head to the right, gesturing towards the French doors hiding the inside behind long curtains.

“Henri, the bloke who lived here, his family sold the place after he died. That used to be a wall there with windows. Knocked it through and put those doors in.” He looked back at Robert who was frowning at the doors in confusion. Smiling, Aaron said, “Let’s go inside.”

They walked into a small square kitchen. Aaron could tell Robert was surprised by its newness, the mixture of the Scandinavian wood of the square table in the middle, the cabinets, and the bright steel appliances. Aaron thought it looked a little like the Mill kitchen if _someone_ hadn’t gone completely mad when decorating. Aaron pulled Robert along into the small narrow hallway outside the kitchen, where the flooring was a warm brown, the walls a rich blue, the woodwork of the banisters painted grey.

Through the hallway they went into the only other room on the ground floor, with the same colour walls and flooring. The room took up the length of the cottage, windows facing the street on one end, curtained off French doors at the other. The furnishings were bare minimum. Opposite a small fireplace was an L-shaped sofa in a dark navy blue, a deep brown coffee table in front on top of a light grey rug. Not that Robert was paying attention to the Mill-lite decor. He was looking at something in the corner of the room. Something that was part Vespa, part lamp.

When he turned to look at Aaron, his gaze was soft, a strange smile on his face. Quietly, he said, “Thought you binned it.”

“Nah,” Aaron said told Robert. “Thought I’d make _you_ bin it.”

“Still don’t like it, eh?” Robert asked, his eyes beginning to shine.

Aaron nodded. “It’s so bad. Really. Making me cry, mate.”

“Aaron,” Robert murmured, looking almost pained by whatever was going on in that head of his. “What is all this?”

“For you, innit?” Aaron swallowed. “Our happy ending. It’s not a chateau by the river, but it’s ours. I fixed it up waiting for you. Because...you’re worth the wait. You’re worth a lot more than you realise.”

Robert came towards Aaron and crushed him into a tight hug. Aaron squeezed his eyes shut, hooking his chin over Robert’s shoulder, smiling from the heart out. He could hear Robert’s breath hitch near his ear, the wet warmth of it, Robert burying his face in Aaron’s shoulder. They clung to each other for a while before Aaron pulled back from Robert, rooting around inside his jacket pocket until he felt the small square box he’d been guarding closely since leaving Emmerdale.

He held it up under Robert’s watery gaze, opening the box and showing Robert the ring he’d taken off eleven years ago. “You gave me this? I said I'd keep it safe.”

“I remember,” Robert said, eyes shining, mouth twisting sadly. He was shaking his head. Aaron knew it was with regret.

“Well, I did,” Aaron told him earnestly, his eyes welling up at the sight of Robert. “Because I knew you were gonna come back to me, didn’t I?”

Robert’s chin wobbled, an unsteady breath escaping past his lips. “Yeah.”

“I know you said we’re jinxed, and maybe we are. Maybe we’re always going to mess this up, but you told me once, you wanted messy, and you wanted it with me.”

“I meant it,” Robert nodded, tears pinking his eyes in an effort to not fall.

Aaron’s voice cracked as he said, “Well, same goes for me. I love you...will you marry me?”

Robert seemed devastated, but they’d never really stop thinking about the things they’d lost, would they? When Robert spoke he sounded as he had when he made that broken plea years ago for Aaron to tell him he’d never forget how much he loved Aaron. “’Course I’ll marry ya. I love ya.”

Robert took Aaron’s face in his hands, kissing him with trembling lips, Aaron pulling Robert close by the front of his coat, letting out a shuddering wet breath against his mouth. Aaron thought they might never stop clinging to each other like this, having been parted for so long. But he pulled back long enough to slip Robert’s ring back onto his finger, before reaching into his own jean pocket for the matching ring, which he handed to Robert. Robert took it, staring at it for the longest time before taking Aaron’s hand in his and sliding the ring back where it belonged - sliding the universe back into place.

*****

They slowly walked along the shore, the stars twinkling, a big yellow moon hanging in the sky, its counterpart rippling on the surface of the sea. Sometimes the moon’s light glinted off one of their rings, and Aaron found himself smiling again. He had their picnic bag hanging from the crook of his elbow, his hands in his pockets and Robert had an arm slung around Aaron’s shoulders, both of them in no rush to get back to the car. It had waited eleven years for the return of Robert Jacob Sugden, it could probably wait a few more minutes.

"We didn't even get any sightseeing done," Aaron said, feeling just a little guilty. “Sorry.”

"No, no need to be sorry. Besides, I saw everything I wanted to." Robert's grin was bright even the dark, his smug tone getting Aaron hot under the collar too easily.

"Well, we'll have to make up for it tomorrow,” Aaron said.

Robert came to an abrupt stop, letting go of Aaron to face him instead, causing the picnic bag to fall to the ground with a thump. "Aaron. _Nothing_ can top this day. Today's been...it's been _brilliant_."

Robert sounded winded, breathless. He took Aaron’s hand in his, head dipping in the direction of the silver band on Aaron’s finger. Aaron frowned at him as Robert took Aaron’s other hand too.

He quietly told Aaron, "Nothing compares to this. Being here with you. Being _anywhere _with you. Even...even when I was inside a prison cell, daydreaming. It’s the only time despite being locked up, I could feel a little free. Because of you, Aaron. And I hate that I had to push you away because I thought it was the right thing to do. I _hated_ not seeing ya. I don’t ever want to be apart from you again, Aaron. Not for a _second_."

“You won’t,” Aaron said softly. “It’s going to be alright now. Isn’t it? You and me.”

“Yeah. Yeah it is. You and me,” Robert said sounding determined. “Aaron?”

"Yeah?" Aaron whispered, still frowning at Robert.

"I, Robert Jacob Sugden...”

“Robert,” Aaron said, his heart tripping in his chest. “What...what are you doing?”

“Take you, Aaron Dingle, to be my husband. I promise to love ya, cherish ya, and be with ya from here until...forever. And I promise to never leave your side again, Aaron.”

Aaron felt his breath stutter in his chest as he let out a wet laugh, looking up at the sky and seeing blurred stars. Vic would kill them both for this, and his mum would wonder if he was still angry at her. But...Aaron looked at Robert who was waiting, and had waited long enough.

“I, Aaron Dingle, take you Robert Jacob Sugden, to be my husband. I promise to... _never_ let ya go, to _love_ ya, and to be with ya from here until...until the end, Robert. To be with ya always.”

“Always,” Robert said with a nod, pulling Aaron close. “I now pronounce us married and I insist you kiss your husband.”

Aaron grinned, his hands gripping Robert’s arms as their lips met, warm in the biting cold. Aaron smiled when he felt Robert’s mouth stretch into a happy grin, before a laugh spluttered out of him. “I love you. Mr Dingle.”

“I love you. Mr Sugden,” Robert murmured, pulling Aaron even closer, ever so gently swaying their bodies together. Aaron went with it, resting his head against Robert’s shoulder, letting Robert lead their little slow dance. After a moment, Robert said, “You know, someone might think we're dancing here. We dancing?”

There was no music, just the sound of the waves rushing eagerly to meet the shore, before sliding away again. However, somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, Aaron thought he could hear a song starting to play again, and he thought it sounded like their song. Aaron closed his eyes, sinking into the warmth of Robert’s arms, moving as Robert moved, telling him, “Yeah. Yeah, we're dancing.”

**Author's Note:**

> Back in July I wrote _[He Belongs To Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19426678)_ as a way to (not)deal with the impending end of Robron, and this fic ends the series of possible returns of Robert Sugden with a way to (actually have to)deal with the end of Robron. What can I say - it's been emoshe.
> 
> ###  [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQoqM7l-vlQ&list=PLzmsiVvp2QOVVk8beU7DVFZvnJDxumPAj): 
> 
> [[I Belong to You / Muse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQoqM7l-vlQ)] --Title and theme song--
> 
> [[So Broken / Bjork](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naEyCnXOpJA)] - In a fit of anger, he emptied the box, kicking at the contents.The regret was instant. It may as well have been Robert he had thrown away. He ended up sitting there gripping Robert’s favourite leather jacket in his hands, breathing it in.
> 
> [[I Just Don’t Know What to Do With Myself / The White Stripes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Snyxh8PtYkQ)] - Without Robert around life seemed like a big empty space that was pressing down on top of Aaron. He’d wake up feeling a strange sense of his own body inflating around him, as if it was itself filled with wide open spaces.
> 
> [[I Go Walking Down There / Chris Isaak](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GAYKha8Owg)] - Without Robert, the world was just filled with other people’s happiness. It grated on Aaron.
> 
> [[](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Snyxh8PtYkQ)[Without You I’m Nothing / Placebo feat. David Bowie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TOE3bRGaYI)] - Time seemed to pass differently for Aaron. As differently as it must have for Robert. Slow, he thought. Aaron scowled where he sat, his eyes flicking from the clock to the mantelpiece, to the spot where there used to be a wedding photograph
> 
> [[Cellophane / FKA Twigs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbCfi25poI8)] - He went home, to his and Robert’s home, turned off all the lights and got into their bed, lying in Robert’s spot, staring at his own empty space. 
> 
> [[Shiver - Coldplay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otNqnVgEs9M)] - Aaron could have joked Robert had kept him waiting eleven years, but the truth of it was, it was Aaron who had realised he would wait for Robert as long as it took.
> 
> [[Something Good / Sarah Blasko](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fproKBvcOiA&l)] - You’re all there is for me. The reason I never left this place. But you...you have a bigger life here than I ever did. Me? I never really felt like I belonged. Not until I met you. You…changed things, Aaron.
> 
> [[Baby I’m Yours / Arctic Monkeys](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atYNqvZcQ3M)] - You know, someone might think we're dancing here. We dancing?
> 
> [[Better Off As Two / FrankMusik](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABzEfWw19OI)] -- Outro --


End file.
